China has played Anthony Albanese like a fiddle

This trip showed the world that China could treat Australia like dirt for seven years and our prime minister would still rush to Beijing as soon as he was allowed, and pledge friendship.

You’ve got to read the transcripts to really get the joke.

You see, for seven years we’ve waited for this moment – the day China’s dictator let an Australian Prime Minister visit him in Beijing.

Oh, how Anthony Albanese had worked for this meeting with Xi Jinping.

He’d shut up about China’s aggression in the South China Sea.

Albanese had worked for this meeting with Xi Jinping. Picture: AAP

He’d suspended Australia’s legal action against China’s unlawful bans on our exports, imposed to bring us to heel.

And it worked! Albanese got an hour with President Xi!

This was Albanese’s biggest moment as a statesman after, as he said last year, being “underestimated my whole life” as a housing commission boy.

But when he emerged, flushed and smiling, to describe his “historic” meeting with the leader of the world’s most menacing regime … well, I’ll quote the transcripts because you’d otherwise think I was making this up.

“President Xi relayed stories about his visits to Australia,” announced Albanese.

This was Albanese’s biggest moment as a statesman. Picture: PMO

“He spoke about the Tasmanian devils as being cute animals in Australia. I pointed out that whilst I liked Tasmanian devils, they’re probably not as cute as pandas …

“He reminded us of the fact that not all pandas are cute, by relaying the Kung Fu Panda story as well.’’

That was just “one of the anecdotes”, our Prime Minister assured journalists.

“We even had a bit of a debate about wine and the quality …

“President Xi relayed that after one of his visits to Australia, he went to New Zealand and they were pitching up how good New Zealand wine was. But he certainly agreed that Australian wine is good.”

The two men also shared remember-when stories.

Xi said he remembered another Labor Prime Minister, Gough Whitlam, visiting Beijing 50 years earlier to open diplomatic relations with the new communist regime:
“In China, we often say when drinking water, we should not forget those who dug the well.”

Albanese responded: “This is indeed a historic time for me.”
(Oops. I’m sure he meant it was historic for Australia.)

He continued with praise for Whitlam, his hero, and souvenir a bit of the local culture: “As you said very well, I do like China’s phrases, he dug the well.”

Albanese said during the trip: ‘this is indeed a historic time for me’

Are you wondering what this meeting was about, other than China playing a starstruck Albanese like a fiddle?

Is Albanese’s incessant travel – 20 foreign trips in just 18 months, if you include a Pacific meeting on Wednesday and an APEC one next week – all pomp and no circumstance?

True, Albanese did tick off on a checklist of issues he’d promised to raise with Xi: trade, the global economy, global warming, and China’s false imprisonment for four years of Australian democracy advocate Yang Hengjun.

But Xi gave him nothing. Didn’t even bother engaging as Albanese ticked off Yang’s name. Back to the transcripts:

Journalist: What response did you get?

Albanese: Well, I raised it in the meeting.

Journalist: Did (Xi) have any requests of you?

Albanese: No. It wasn’t transactional.

No, Xi wasn’t there to talk business.

This was just about showing the world that China could treat Australia like dirt for seven years, even holding Australian citizens hostage, and our prime minister would still rush to Beijing as soon as he was allowed, and pledge friendship.

Albanese ticked off on a checklist of issues he’d promised to raise with Xi, but Xi gave him nothing. Picture: AFP

China’s bosses must have laughed to see Albanese soak up their flattery.

Premier Li Qiang even went so far as to tell him: “People were saying that we have a handsome boy coming from Australia.”

And it worked. Albanese afterwards burbled: “I think the honour that China has given me as Prime Minister of Australia in being welcomed here to the Great Hall of the People banquet lunch as well, where the band learnt five Australian songs, including as ‘I Still Call Australia Home’ and ‘Click Go the Shears’ just shows the extent to which our hosts have gone out of their way to show us courtesy and respect and that is very much appreciated.”

I bet it was. But may I remind Albanese the purpose of going to Beijing wasn’t to lunch or listen to “Click Go the Shears” or talk about Tasmanian devils or swap wine-tasting notes or be called a “pretty boy”.

I can’t imagine any serious prime minister – a Bob Hawke, Paul Keating or John Howard – falling for that, and leaving Beijing with not one damn thing.

But I do understand why this government is now sinking in the polls, and why some Labor MPs will now wonder if Albanese really is a leader, after all.

Originally published as China has played Anthony Albanese like a fiddle