America stinks of weed, and if we’re not careful the Greens will do the same thing to Sydney

Widespread decriminalisation of the devil’s lettuce has turned the world’s greatest superpower into something with the sour aromatic qualities of a mopey teen’s bedroom.

I’m now back from a month in the US, and there’s no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to come right out with it.

America stinks.

As just about anybody can tell within moments of arrival, the whole place absolutely reeks of marijuana, from coast to malodorous coast.

Widespread decriminalisation of the devil’s lettuce – dope is legal in 24 states for recreational use and in 38 states for medical use – has turned the world’s greatest superpower into something with the sour aromatic qualities of a mopey teen’s bedroom.

By “medical use”, incidentally, authorities generally mean “medical excuse”. Rock up to any one of the more than 12,000 approved marijuana dispensaries currently polluting the US and you’ll usually need only a vague note of approval from a helpful doctor.

The door is basically wide open and everyone’s walking on through. “All conditions could qualify! No medical records required!” promises a provider in the state of Virginia. “Over 99 per cent approval rate!”

Dope smoking is legal in 24 US states. Picture: Leonardo Munoz / AFP)

You’d be surprised at the enormous number of middle-aged American women, in particular, who’ve lately discovered an urgent need to treat decades-old childhood basketball injuries and the like with medical cannabis. Once any so-called “medical” gear is outside the dispensary, of course, it’s game on for whoever wants it – and a gamey stench for whoever finds themselves within nasal detection range of your typical US stoner.

A state Legal Marijuana shop sign in downtown Seattle.

I cannot overstate just how disgusting this all is. Anti-tobacco activists wailed for years until they largely removed that product’s relatively delicate scent from society, but in the US it’s been replaced by hippie armpits.

America has swapped second-hand smoke with marijuana’s second-hand stank. Other odours have also been pushed aside. As one New York City resident observed online a few months ago: “The unofficial scent of NYC has gone from the stench of urine to the aroma of cannabis.”

The word “aroma” is doing some heavy lifting there. But a reply to that comment pointed out that dope for urine isn’t a straight sensory trade.

Instead, the two team up to form a revolting compound. “Turns out cannabis scents don’t actually mask urine,” the reply said. “It just smells like cannabis flavoured urine now.”

In the New York subway system’s boiling summer confines, you’d really prefer dealing with an old-fashioned crazed gunman.

At least they let you breathe. You know, for a time.

Older readers who perhaps danced with Mary Jane in eras prior may think I’m exaggerating. By their recollections, dope wasn’t much of an odour issue at all.

But marijuana has become far more potent over time and stinkier with it. This is why marijuana’s presence is powerfully noticeable even in outdoor settings.

Why, your correspondent was practically assaulted by a Cheech and Chong cumulonimbus upon turning a footpath corner in Phoenix, Arizona. It turned out that the smoke’s source was a cluster of youngsters killing time between pizza deliveries.

There are more than 12,000 approved marijuana dispensaries in the US. Picture: Spencer Platt/Getty Images/AFP

A few slices may have failed to reach their destinations.

Another shock awaited in Las Vegas, where a quick tour around the celebrated gambling capital revealed four or so legal dope dispensaries.

It wasn’t hard to work out that the staff at my hotel preferred a certain level as their inhalation zone. I don’t want to smear the place, but let’s just say it’d be wise to avoid the 46th floor at any future Vegas lodgings.

Even in states where marijuana use is broadly illegal, such as Texas, laws are either rarely or only lightly enforced. If you wish to avoid daily encounters with the olfactory equivalent of a Woodstock sleeping bag, you don’t have many options.

Which brings us to Australia, where for now we’re mostly free of public cannabis infection. Even inner Sydney and Melbourne are safe or safe enough. Adelaide, not so much.

We’ll all be at risk of repeating America’s error, though, if the Greens have their way.

“We are excited to bring our Greens’ Legalising Cannabis Bill to a vote in parliament this year,” Greens senator for NSW David Shoebridge announced in June.

“This will be the first time any legislation has been brought in the Australian parliament to create a legal cannabis market, and if we get it right, we could have legal recreational cannabis by the end of 2024. It’s pretty exciting!”

It’s pretty nauseating. Still, let’s attempt to make this an exercise in societal advancement.

Before pushing for legal dope, the Greens should invest their own money in scientific programs to rid the stuff of its stench.

Once they’ve succeeded, that technology could be exported to a grateful world – at which point local legalisation may happily be considered. After that, the next great dope-themed challenge: creating a scent-free Greens voter.