Women older than their partner reveal why they broke old convention – with one big if

Hollywood has entered a new era – flipping the script, featuring relationships with older women and younger men instead of the stereotype of the reverse – and so has Australia’s dating scene.

Hollywood has entered a new era – and so has Australia’s dating scene.

From Nicole Kidman and Zac Efron in A Family Affair to Anne Hathaway and Nicholas Galitzine in The Idea of You, and Laura Dern and Liam Hemsworth in Lonely Planet, rom-coms are flipping the script, featuring relationships with older women and younger men instead of the stereotype of the reverse – and it seems the trend is reflective of what’s happening right here, off screen.

Dating age rages are shifting, says Trudy Gilbert, director and founder of Elite Introductions – and it’s about time.

“It’s a new era the last 10 years in Hollywood – women are taking charge … as action heroes and as romantic leads,” Gilbert told The Sunday Telegraph.

“The older-woman-younger-man thing? It’s the next level of empowerment … women calling the shots, deciding what’s right for them.

Nicole Kidman and Zac Efron, Nicholas Galitzine and Anne Hathaway, Laura Dern and Liam Hemsworth. Pictures: Getty Images/Supplied

“And now, thanks to dating apps, women don’t have to wait around for the right guy to walk in … they just swipe left until he pops up.

“With all this obsession on staying young, women today look 10-15 years younger than their mothers did at the same age … plus now they can just fib about it on their dating app profiles.”

Gilbert said 40 was the new 30 – in fact, 50 is the new 30.

Trudy Gilbert, director and founder of Elite Introductions.

“Just look at Demi Moore, She’s 61 and looks incredible in The Substance,” she said.

“When a younger guy meets an older woman he’s attracted to, the age issue goes out the window. What used to matter isn’t even part of the equation anymore.

“While some older men are on the couch with their slippers and Netflix, vibrant women are picking younger, more dynamic partners who actually keep up.

“I talk to women every day who want a partner with the same energy and passion as them … you know, someone who’d rather take them dancing than get them into the members’ stand at the SCG.

“Younger guys … if they’re more socially and emotionally evolved, they leave the older blokes in the dust.

“Here’s the caveat though – picking up a younger guy on Bumble is easy, but finding one who shares your vision, values, and life stage? Whole different story. When things get serious, that’s where it often falls apart. My advice? Forget age as a number. Focus on finding someone who matches your energy, life stage, vision, and emotional maturity. That’s where real compatibility lies.”

Maria and James Hayhoe have been together for more than 13 years now, married for close to 11 – and with Maria proudly almost eight years older than her husband and best friend, they’re happily proving the world wrong.

They met when she was around 36, he was in his late 20s. She was a divorced single mum of two sons and, after an abusive relationship, friends warned her not to start seeing a younger man. The best thing she ever did was not listen.

“The two of us never had a problem with it, because of our attraction and the way we actually got along and we just sort of fit together,” Maria, now 50, told The Sunday Telegraph. Her Jimmy is 43.

“But other people did, especially people that cared about me because I was divorced with two young kids. They were like ‘just be careful, he’s very young, he’s not even 30’, so it was out of concern more than anything else.

“I was referred to as a cougar a few times, but I feel that was more in jest than out of seriousness … people could see our relationship was genuine, and they could see our connection was real, and I think that’s what made the difference.

Maria and James Hayhoe. “I was referred to as a cougar a few times, but I feel that was more in jest than out of seriousness … people could see our relationship was genuine.”

“After all these years, I feel like we’ve almost have gone ‘haha, we did prove you wrong’ – but not in a smug way.

“It was never an obvious thing, but you kind of did feel like people were sort of going, ‘it’s not gonna last – maybe it’s a physical thing and that’s it – he’s just going through his older woman phase’.

“But it was never an issue for us, and I think we were so lucky to find each other. We’ve actually had people comment on the intensity of our love – they can actually see it, and say ‘I’ve never seen you this happy’.

“And it’s true.”

Maria’s friend Renee Martensen, 36, also sees the benefit of dating younger men. She met Gordan, four years her junior, 18 months ago after widening her age range on dating websites – and it paid off.

“It feels like we’ve been together forever,” Renee said.

She didn’t want their first date to end, and within three months they were living together. They communicate, they’re open with how they feel about time-sensitive issues like children and the future – and it’s looking bright.

“Before I met Gordan, one of my friends actually said ‘I think you should start dating younger men, because they’ve got the energy to keep up with you’, which I love,” Renee continued.

Gordan Dowling and Renee Martensen. “All my friends absolutely adore Gordan, and the age thing has never been brought up, which is great.” Picture: David Caird

“And all my friends absolutely adore Gordan, and the age thing has never been brought up, which is great.

“But it was only because my friend actually challenged me to be open myself.

“I guess I was brainwashed a little by the perception … and I’m glad that I’ve got enough smart people who have different opinions to challenge that in me as well.”

Relationship expert Samantha Jayne said that while traditionally, older women dating younger men have been frowned upon, judged and considered scandalous, the tables have definitely turned.

“With advances in medicine, society and the anti-ageing movement, this has caused more women to seek younger men that match their levels of energy, enthusiasm, joy and happiness,” she said.

“With the cosmetic advances, more and more women appear ageless and they are making the most of it.

“Women have become more independent and no longer rely on men for financial security, so a younger man is attractive to them for a number of reasons including their vitality, fresh approach to life and often the freedom that comes with that.

“This dynamic has been around for a long time, it’s just becoming more socially acceptable and less obvious given the often ageless appearance of women.

“It’s become more popular due to people becoming more fluid and free with people’s choices.

“I often hear younger men that choose to be with older women because they like their intelligence, stability, the lack of games and some men are just old souls.”

Relationship expert Samantha Jayne.

She said, at the end of the day, age is just a number – and there are no guarantees in relationships.

“I know a gorgeous couple who have been together for over 20 years. He is 25 years her junior and, while you can see he is younger, you don’t actually know it’s that age gap,” she continued.

“They are a quirky couple. They were always so happy and the life of the party. They were even known to skinny dip in their pool together

“Another example was a friend’s sister met her now husband who was 21, she was 24. Everyone was warning against dating him, scared that she was wasting her time and could miss out on marriage and kids as he would dump her when he was older – 12 years later they are still going strong. They have two kids, they have travelled the world and are super happy.

“No one has a crystal ball.

“What is important is that your values align, you have mutual respect and you want the same things out of life, especially when it comes to timing.”

She said the risk of dating a significantly younger man was higher if you are in your child-bearing years and you want a family.

“If you’ve had kids and you just want a beautiful relationship, then you have nothing to lose,” she said.

“Sure, if it ends, you could end up heartbroken but, at the same time, you would have created some beautiful memories together.

“Follow your heart, go have fun and enjoy.”

Dating coach Jiveny Blair-West.

Dating coach Jiveny Blair-West said more of her clients in recent years had started dating younger men, some with age gaps of more than six years.

“I think it’s largely because the stigma around age-gap relationships has eased and, in some cases, older men – over 45 – can be a bit more set in their ways, while younger men tend to bring a more open-minded, adaptable energy,” she explained.

“However, as with any relationship, ensuring that vision and values remain aligned is crucial for long-term success.

“Dating a man in his early 20s when you’re in your mid-30s and considering starting a family may not align with every young man’s stage in life, though some might be ready for it. “Similarly, a woman in her late 40s dating a man in his 30s may face complications if he wants children and she is unable to or doesn’t want to have any more.”

The author of How to Make the Biggest Decision of Your Life said that compatibility was something she and her father, Dr George Blair-West, discuss in depth in their book as one of the biggest indicators of lasting happiness in relationships.

“When couples realise that, despite deep love, their long-term goals are misaligned, it’s always heartbreaking to part ways.”

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