Why the phrase ‘older mum’ is guaranteed to make women cringe

“Older mum”. Is there a phrase more likely to make women cringe?

Flip Byrnes with her second baby girl Leni-Grace at age 16 days. Picture: Justin Lloyd

The number of women giving birth between the ages of 40 and 44 has almost trebled in the past three decades, latest figures show.

Dr David Knight, medical director at Demeter Fertility, says the pressure of a modern lifestyle is forcing more women to delay motherhood. “There has been quite a considerable change in social circumstances over the past decade,” says Knight, who specialises in improving the rate of conception in women over 40.
“We are seeing more women focusing on a career during their most fertile years and more women in mobile relationships, meaning they are entering second or third relationships later in life, and then wanting to start a family.”

Knight warns, however, that despite the growing number of 40-something mums, the chance of falling pregnant after the age of 35 drops drastically.

“Conception relies on how often a woman makes an egg that is good enough to make a baby,” he says. “In your early 20s, that’s once every two or three months. By the age of 40 that drops to about once a year.”

Flip Byrnes is relishing motherhood with Leni-Grace and Lotte, 16 months. Picture: Justin Lloyd

FLIP BYRNES, 41, OF LINDFIELD

Flip never intended to be an older mum but her plans to start a family only began when she met her husband ... at 38. She had her first daughter, Lotte, at 40 and her second, Leni, last month.

“As I was nearing my late 30s without a partner, I’d started organising my life to be a single person with no children, filling it with travel and plans with family and friends. When I met Til at 38, it was a massive surprise and I thought having kids with him at this later stage in my life would be an even bigger bonus.

When we started trying for our first child, we had no expectations. I knew the statistics were not in our favour and we left it to fate, chance and luck. Miraculously, I fell pregnant in the first month. I remember the moment so vividly: the second line appeared on the home test and we sat in the bathroom grinning and hugging.

When Lotte was seven months, our doctor told us every month counts when you’re in your 40s. In fact, he went on to say getting pregnant at 39 was vastly different to getting pregnant at 40. He said it was akin to throwing two ping pong balls at opposite walls and expecting them to bounce back and hit in the middle. Again, we held out little hope but I fell pregnant. I embraced it because I knew how lucky we were. People ask if it bothers me I’m an older mum, and I’m being totally honest when I say it doesn’t. Til and I consider ourselves to be so lucky, any potential negative consequences, like being a 50-year-old when my kids are in primary school, are of no relevance when compared to the miracle of having two healthy babies. I tell everyone I’m a 41-year-old mum and I don’t think anyone dares burst my bubble with any negativity. Anyway, I don’t consider mums over 40 an oddity any more; mums under 30 are now rarer.”

Sarah Gambi, 43, with daughter Evelyn, 16 months. Picture: Dylan Robinson

SARAH GAMBI, 43, OF CAMMERAY

In an ideal world Sarah Gambi would have become a mother in her early 30s.
But 11 years and nine IVF treatment cycles meant she had her daughter, Evelyn, now aged 17 months, in her 40s. She says:

“We started IVF when I was 32 as we had been trying to fall pregnant for two years. Throughout my 30s we would intermittently try an IVF cycle, then abandon it to try to fall pregnant naturally. During this time, we also considered other options such as adoption or fostering through Barnardo’s. For various reasons, neither idea worked out for us.

We did our eighth cycle of IVF when I was 40. At this time I heard about a friend’s wife who fell pregnant at 43 overseas and we looked into doing the same. We chose Mexico, where they follow a treatment that involves lowering your immune system in order for your body to accept the sperm, a treatment not done in Australia.

I fell pregnant on the first cycle in Mexico. At first I tried not to let myself get too overwhelmed as I had experienced two miscarriages in the early stages before. But when I heard the heartbeat for the first time, I burst into tears. I had hoped for so long.

The perception about my being an older mum is largely positive, but there has been the odd comment like ‘Wow! You’re not thinking of having another one, are you?’

My mother was 18 when she had me and I remember her leaving us with babysitters a lot because she wanted to go out. I think there are pros and cons to both scenarios.

I often think about a house-warming party back in 2003 where a tarot reader was giving readings. The reader kept referring to the number nine and saying she didn’t know the relevance but that it was important. It was only recently I realised it was the number of the IVF cycle where we conceived Evelyn.”

Cecilia Karakasis with her daughters Alyssa, 7, and Mikayla, 2. Picture: Richard Dobson

CECILIA KARAKASIS, 46, CARRS PARK

For Cecilia Karakasis, life quite literally passed her by before she realised she was running out of time to have a baby.
The 46-year-old from Carss Park had her first daughter, Alyssa, 7, at 38 and her second, Mikayla, 2, at 43. She says:

“It was never intentional to have my children at this age. In fact, it was not something I sat down and thought about. It was always just something I would get around to one day.

And I was quite uninformed about the reduced chance of falling pregnant after 35. I guess if I’d known the stats, I would have started trying earlier.

It took three months for me to fall pregnant with Alyssa, which was a blessing.

We started trying for our second when I was 40 and I presumed it would be much the same as it was with Alyssa. But the reality was very different.

We tried to conceive naturally for two disheartening years before we decided to do tests to see if there were any issues. We were in denial and didn’t really want to go down the IVF route.

The test basically showed my eggs were declining and so we turned to ­IVF.

We were so lucky to fall pregnant in the first cycle. Now that I know the statistics, we were just lucky; there’s no other way to look at it.

It does not worry me to be an older mum. To me it’s about how you feel and how you look after yourself. You can be a mother 20 years younger and be very unhealthy.

I think that’s worse than being older. And I think I am a better mum at this age than I would have been at a younger age. I’m a more confident person, we’re financially secure and I have time for my kids without wanting to go out and party, and that’s precious.

I do have one regret though. If my girls, like me, wait until their 40s to have kids, I’ll be an 80-year-old grandma and the chances of seeing my grandkids grow up will be slim. For that reason, I wish I’d started earlier.”