Why losing a pet can hurt as much as losing a family member

When a beloved pet dies, the grief is devastating but owners are often told to get over it or get another dog, all of which can diminish the intense bond people share with their animals.

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When Karen Jaques lost her 18-year-old cattle dog Lucy eight years ago, the grief floored her.

“She’d basically been with me through thick and thin, through every break up, job change, death in the family. We were very, very bonded,” Ms Jaques told The Daily Telegraph.

“I was out of control after I lost her, I couldn't focus, I couldn't work and I started looking around for somebody that I could talk to.”

Referred to a counsellor who wasn’t a pet person and “just didn’t get it”, she struggled to find the help she needed. So she became a counsellor herself.

Now one of only two counsellors in Australia certified by the Association of Pet Loss and Bereavement, she supports others struggling with the death of a pet and those going through ‘anticipatory grief’.

“That's people that are considering euthanising their pets, or they have an elderly pet that may be passing soon so they come to us for assistance in how they move through that stage coming to a final decision which is usually pretty life changing,” Ms Jaques said.

Karen Jaques’ 18-year-old cattle dog Lucy, left, and right with Billy.

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Research has shown that for most people, the loss of a pet is comparable to the loss of a human loved one. Pets provide an unconditional relationship hard to find with human beings. They’re an object of caregiving and a source of security and emotional comfort.

But when they die, many owners feel like they’re expected to just “get over it”.

“I get a lot of people saying they’ve not experienced grief like they have with their pets, even over their mother and father,” she said.

“The way that our pets see us is in our absolute raw form. There’s no games, there’s no pretence. You bare your soul to your pet and when you open up on that level, it’s intense and it’s far more powerful than sometimes the love that you have with a family member.

“To lose that out of your life … it’s devastating.”

I get a lot of people saying they’ve not experienced grief like they have with their pets, even over their mother and father

Pet grief is characterised as ‘disenfranchised grief’, a grief not widely acknowledged by society and difficult to openly express. There are no common rituals for pet death to help people process the loss like funerals.

Other than supportive comments on Facebook, most people bear their pain in silence.

“With disenfranchised grief, not only does your workplace not take it seriously, but if you take some time off, they think you’re crazy, it was just a dog, a cat, a bird. You’re supposed to just move on very quickly,” Ms Jacques said.

“You get people saying ‘When are you going to get another dog?’ So it becomes trivialised and you feel like you can’t open up to people, they’ll think you’re stupid because you’re stuck in your grief.”

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It can also be complicated by other trauma or loss people haven't dealt with and a beloved animal’s death can tip people over the edge.

“Some people can be suicidal after the loss of a pet. Predominantly speaking, they are people that have a very small network of friends,” she said.

“They are isolated either in the home or in the workplace. They don't have a connection or they're emotionally very reserved and those people find it very, very hard to express their feelings and thoughts unless they were with their pets.

“So that pet is their emotional connection in life. And once that's gone, they can end up with compounded grief because there's no one to talk to.”

People don’t understand that the grief goes on, the anguish people feel for weeks, or months later

At Sydney's only dedicated pet cemetery at Berkshire Park, some pet owners have had their ashes interred with their pets, a sign of the intense bond between human and animal. Picture: Justin Lloyd.

Vet Dr Michael O’Donoghue, who co-founded Pets and People which now connects people with 19 pet loss counsellors and services across Australia, said people’s relationships with pets usually takes place at home in private, so often loved ones don’t comprehend the bond.

“Your friends and family didn’t really know that dog, they didn’t have a relationship with that dog, they don’t understand the bond you had, that it was a profound part of your life,” he said.

“People don’t understand that the grief goes on, the anguish people feel for weeks, or months later.”

He said it was important for people to seek help, especially those who lived alone and were more dependent on their animal and more vulnerable to unrecognised grief.

“People think they’re going crazy so often counselling lets them know, what they’re going through is normal,” he said.

Ms Jacques said we become better people from having pets in our lives and when they pass, that is their legacy.

“In my in my opinion having an animal in your life completes you. And I think that for people that are flying solo, especially elderly people, just the joy that it brings into families, there's no words that can describe that joy. You just feel complete.”