Ian Roberts recalls being first NRL player to publicly come out as gay

Former NRL player Ian Roberts reveals the personal pain and homophobia which followed and engulfed his controversial - yet historic - 1995 admission.

Just days after publicly outing himself as gay, rugby league star Ian Roberts was admiring the Sydney Harbour Bridge from between the wharves at Circular Quay when king hit by two thugs.

He crumpled to the ground before an elderly woman rendered assistance.

She told Roberts that the pair had then dragged, kicked and abused him while unconscious on the ground.

“What the f… just happened,” Roberts asked himself. “That moment changed me.”

Welcome to life as a gay man.

Ian Roberts at Balmoral Beach. Picture: Tim Hunter

Then there was a game between Roberts’ Manly and St George at Jubilee Oval, Kogarah, when a fan punched Roberts in the face – and called him a “faggot” - as Sea Eagles players left the field at halftime.

Roberts reacted by wrestling the culprit to the ground before spectators and security stepped in, the man later charged with assault.

Welcome to life as a gay man.

And Roberts also cannot forget an interstate trip with one of his NRL clubs when his selected roommate, a well-known player who Roberts wants to keep anonymous, said: “I feel uncomfortable rooming with Ian because he’s a faggot.”

“Words can have devastating consequences,” Roberts said.

Welcome to life as a gay man.

Ian Roberts, now 55, has mustered the determination to tell his courageous story about becoming the first NRL player to publicly admit being gay. He tells of the personal anguish and homophobia which followed and engulfed his controversial yet historic 1995 admission. He also suffered a mental breakdown.

“When someone viciously calls you a ‘f…ing faggot’, that cuts to the bone because that’s meant to dehumanise you. It would do my head in when people were abusive on the street,” said Roberts, now happily in a relationship with partner Daniel, a school teacher, for the past 15 years.

“We still have work to do as a community about discrimination, misogyny, homophobia and racism. You need to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes to understand.”

Ian Roberts was the first NRL player to publicly cout out as gay.

COMING OUT

In 1995, Roberts shocked rugby league by becoming the first player to publicly come out as gay. It was a groundbreaking moment for the game.

“It was the worst kept secret in ruby league. Even when I was at Souths, everyone knew I was gay. I have since spoken to a lot of reporters who have all said they wanted to ask me that question but didn’t out of respect for me. I found that really respectful,” Roberts said.

“In 1990, when I left Souths for Manly, I was going to come out then by making a public statement. But just before I was going to, Justin Fashanu over in the UK, he was an English soccer player playing in the Premier League, came out and the English press treated him viciously, it was awful.

“He ended up getting dropped and took his own life in 1998. It was such an ugly story. I felt my family didn’t need it, my mum and dad didn’t need that. That’s what I worried about, I was never really worried about my situation because I was always comfortable being gay.

“I have been ‘out’ privately since I was 19 or 20. I was always comfortable growing up being gay.

“In 1994, I went on the Kangaroo tour (to England) as a gay man. Terry Hill was my roommate, he was a good friend and he knew I was gay for a long time. So on that tour it kind of came out. Everyone on that tour knew I was gay.

“There was a new gay magazine at the time and I did other magazine interviews. I remember thinking: ‘I wish I’d come out earlier when I was at Souths’. I always felt like I was protecting my family but you can’t protect people from being who you are.

“My parents weren’t happy that I came out publicly but they knew I had always intended to come out. They had known for a long time but it was difficult. I was sledged on the field but I never thought anyone hated me because I was gay. I got called ‘faggot’. It was fine.

“I used to feel for my mum and dad at games because people would scream s… out. I was worried they had to hear that but there are certain things you can’t protect your family from. I was never ashamed of saying I was same-sex attracted but if I came out in the late 1980s, they would have had to endure it more.”

MODERN DAY DILEMMA

Ian Roberts was hospitalised in 1998 after a mental episode. Picture: Tim Hunter

Roberts is adamant there are players competing in the NRL now that are homosexual.

“It would be naive to think there wasn’t – I won’t name the coach but a few years ago he said he didn’t think there were gay men playing rugby league. He meant it,” Roberts said.

“It was a really negative thing to say and it was wrong. I know that factually. There are definitely same-sex attracted guys playing rugby league in the NRL. Everyone’s journey is their own. My only advice is to make sure you feel safe.

“But there are gay men playing rugby league here in Australia. You only have to look at the women’s game. They are more embracing of same sex attraction and less judgmental about it. Some people don’t think they have ever met gay people.”

MENTAL BREAKDOWN

Before he left Townsville in 1998, after representing North Queensland, Roberts began to hear voices. He was terrified.

“For nearly three weeks, I wasn’t sleeping, I was hearing voices and my mind was racing, it wouldn’t shut down, basically. I thought I was going mad and would be like that forever,” Roberts remembered.

“I was hospitalised for a couple of weeks. I had a mental episode, anxiety, depression. My then partner, Andrew, told me I had to do something, there’s something not right. But I didn’t want to admit that myself.

“I remember that conflict within myself, thinking: ‘I can look after this, I will come good, I’m just having a bad day’.

“Andrew came home one day I was in the corner having this episode. There were other things happening inside my head that weren’t real. There was some crazy stuff happening. The voices … I was having this argument with someone and that I was okay but I wasn’t okay. I’m not ashamed, embarrassed or uncomfortable to talk about this.

“It was a battle, like having another personality in your head. It’s hard to explain. I went to see the doctor at the Cowboys and it was a weird sensation. He told me I was having an anxiety episode but I was going to be okay. That was a wonderful moment. It was like he had a hammer and he hit me on the head and from that moment it kind of left.

“Obviously I had ongoing problems but that moment, when the doctor said I was going to be okay, was a central relief, a life-changing moment.

“I have now got to the point where I have been able to manage it. There is a history of mental health in my family. I’ve been on and off medication for my mental health for 30 years now.”

RUGBY LEAGUE

Ian Roberts.

Roberts enjoyed a distinguished 13-year football career where he represented Souths, Manly, North Queensland, City, NSW, Australia and Wigan in England. When just 21 years old, master coach Jack Gibson called Roberts “the best front rower in the game.”

“There were certain periods where I had a supreme confidence on the field. It was almost like: ‘This is what I was made and meant to do’,” he said.

“There was also the theatre of sport. It was that whole gladiator thing; playing to the crowd, pleasing the crowd and pleasing yourself. There was a level of creativity there that people may not recognise within sport.

“That confidence becomes a drug. Anyone who has played at any elite level of sport would understand that – it’s addictive. I found that really difficult to let go of when I called it a day.

That was a real grounding point.

“I was lucky I had a skill at something, I could earn a living from it and had an understanding that I was good at this game with an above-average level of ability - not that I’m trying to pretend I was any better than the next person.

“I enjoyed my football most at Manly, that’s because by that time my private life wasn’t really private anymore. Everyone at the club knew I was gay and I was comfortable.”

Not that Roberts can sit back and reminisce.

“I’m grateful for YouTube because I lost most of my own memorabilia in a fire 20 years ago,” he said. “That’s news clippings, videos, games and rings. I’ve never really recovered. I only get to revisit games when I see them on YouTube or if someone sends me a clip.”

GARRY JACK

Former Balmain fullback Garry Jack took Roberts to court over a nasty on-field brawl in 1991 which included Roberts.

The Manly and Balmain on-field brawl at Leichhardt Oval in 1991.

Jack attempted to sue Roberts for $100,000 in damages, alleging he suffered traumatic injuries to his face along with shock, headaches and numbness. The matter was settled out of court with Roberts ordered to pay $50,000.

“I apologised to Garry at the court case and I’ve apologised to Garry in person,” Roberts said. “Garry and I are in touch now, we’re on speaking terms. I have also apologised to his family.

“I regret that whole situation. I look back and people ask me about it. I was a young bloke acting out. It was a moment I really regret. I do, absolutely. It was uncalled for. I don’t even know how it happened but I do remember frustration being part of it.

“It was such an ugly look for the game. He didn’t deserve it, his family didn’t deserve it. I felt I really let down my family and myself. It was a really ugly situation I wish had never happened.”

Garry Jack after the 1991 Manly vs Balmain rugby league game.

Garry Jack leaves Leichhardt Oval with a bloodied face during the 1991 game.

SUPER LEAGUE

Roberts signed with Super League in 1995 despite playing with Manly, an ARL club. When told he had been banned from playing representative football because he had joined the rebel league, Roberts – along with Gorden Tallis - took the extraordinary step of sitting out the entire 1996 season in protest before returning to play for North Queensland.

“I absolutely think I made the right call to join Super League but wish I hadn’t been so pig-headed. After 1995, the ARL said they wouldn’t allow any Super League-aligned players to represent NSW or play in the World Cup.

“So I sat out the ’96 season in protest. Manly went on and won the grand final so they obviously didn’t miss me. That was my one chance to win a grand final. Looking back now, because I never won a grand final, maybe it was pigheadedness or a sense of fairness.

“Super League was good for the game and wonderful players. Super League was the whole starting of Foxtel. The game has since come on in leaps and bounds.”

ACTING BUG

Roberts struggled post-career when the accolades and limelight vanished. He then returned to another passion, acting.

After studying at the National Institute of Dramatic Art, Roberts made a cameo in Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones and then in Little Fish, starring Cate Blanchett and Hugo Weaving. He also appeared in Underbelly: A Tale of Two Cities.

“Football left a huge void – the first few years after retiring were really empty and hollow,” he said. “What do I do now? There was a sense of worthlessness too…I was only good for one thing. I was judging myself.

“But I was lucky to fall into something I am passionate about. I was always part of an ensemble when I was at school so it wasn’t like acting was never in my universe. It was always part of my life.

“I got back into acting because, quite literally, my car broke down 200 metres up the road from NIDA at Kensington. I was walking to a service station to try and get someone to come and tow the car when I popped into NIDA thinking there might be someone who could help me get back into some one-on-one training.

“The pursuit of learning the craft again filled that football void. I take the work whenever I can get it but, to be honest, if I had to survive living week to week on my acting cheques, I’d go hungry.”