POLLIE TICKLED: What Kwaussie really means

When you turn a 'fork tung' speaker upside down, Chinese currency falls out

As we deck the halls of commerce with bows of lolly, the silly season gets even sillier than last year.

Dasha turns out not to be one of Santa's reindeer, but a politician who dashes off to create more havoc than most. Dasha speaks Fork Tung, a dialect of Chinese.

The symbol for Fork Tung speakers is a combination of the symbols for Compromised and Power. Inverted it makes the symbol Proud Australian.

However, speakers of Fork Tung should not be inverted in public lest Chinese currency falls out. Chinese people see currency as good luck. Well, good luck, Dasha, you'll need it.

Oh, that's right, you're a NSW Labor powerbroker in the fine tradition of Eddie Obeid. I guess Shorten will have to keep you in a job so you keep Shorten in his.

Kwaussie is the Australian word of the year - of course. It is a mystery to most of us. But a little digging revealed its origins.

Kwaussie was invented and spread by Peter Dutton's Border Security and Citizen Control department.

Another Dutto brainwave, the idea was anyone heard using it in public was obviously not from Australia. This indicated they had parents who were boat people and thus had boat peopleness conferred upon them at birth and could be deported to a hulk floating out to sea.

It's back to our roots.

After all, Britain founded Australia in 1788 as a penal colony to get rid of the convicts that didn't fit into its prisons and were being kept in floating hulks. They invented boat people tourism and sent them here.

Dual citizenship is a genetic disease some parents have and can pass to unsuspecting children. CSIRO is working on a cure, a vaccine and a preventative. Suddenly it has been given enough funds to run one project.

There will be no increase in its funding for science, however.

Member of Parliament turns out to be a person who keeps a seat warm while waiting for a Comcar trip to the High Court.

Also called a pre-dual citizen.

Landslide win - as Malcolm Turnbull said, "Barnaby Joyce has been re-elected member for New England with what appears to be the largest swing to the government in the history of by-elections - a demonstration of the strength of our Coalition."

Or maybe it's because Tony Windsor didn't stand, Malcolm.

Oughtism is the expectation by society that a person who has been caught with his pants down - literally or figuratively - ought to know that autism is a condition some people live with, not a lame excuse for a control freak who is out of control to explain his lack of common sense and common decency.

Memory foam is not what beds, pillows and insoles are made of, but what our brains have become since we have Facebooked and binge-watched our way to this new mental state.

Redacted document is usually applied to any info obtained under freedom of information. It has a special meaning in politics and the public service - "non- incriminating version of that report that would have you behind bars".

Fizziology is the new science that studies election disasters that happen when spin doctors and politicians believe their own PR.

Pollie Tickled is a satirical column.

Originally published as POLLIE TICKLED: What Kwaussie really means