Alas poor Alan, we knew him so well

'HE DIDN'T really mean for ScoMo to ram a sock down the throat of the world's most popular and respected leader'

Alan Jones leaves Brisbane Supreme Court after defending defamation claims. Picture: John Weekes

POOR Alan Jones. He's just so misunderstood, when really it's just inexperience that makes him mix up his adages, aphorisms and metaphors.

He didn't really mean for ScoMo to ram a sock down the throat of the world's most popular and respected leader. Although I bet ScoMo laughed along with Jones.

Anyone listening would surely have interpreted his comments as mangling the maxim "put a sock in it”.

Who could forget the grilling Jonesy got when he suggested then-PM Julia Gillard should be similarly dispatched by being shoved in a chaff bag with a heavy weight, dragged out to sea and thrown overboard?

Again, poor Alan was taken completely out of context by left-wing media who couldn't see the subtle truer meaning he intended, that Julia should "jump in the lake”.

Is public perception so blinded by political correctness that it couldn't see that?

All our most popular sayings should be taken with a grain of salt and adapted as required, or for Jones, understood when correct words fail him.

When AJ uses such colourful language as "Ms Triggs should be speared through the eye with a javelin that comes out the back of her head and nails her to a telegraph pole” he is merely mangling the phrase "better than a poke in the eye with a blunt stick”.

Without exception, the targets of his phrase-mangling are the "gentler” sex (as Jonesy would say). There's just something about women in power that seems to bring out the best in his malapropisms.

So, Mangled Tonsils, you should be "thrown on a pyre of burning rubber tyres with a big banana shoved down your throat”.

What? Out of order? All it means is, maaate, you're "all sizzle and no sausage”, which may explain his predilections.

But why give Mr Jones any oxygen at all? Surely, we all (especially his advertisers) should be saying "ram a steel rod down your gob until it comes out your rear, you misogynist rabbit”, which everyone knows and accepts as a common reinterpretation of "pipe down”. Don't we?

Clearly "he's not the full bottle” and the guy needs a frontal lobotomy, while I'd rather have a bottle in front of me.

Originally published as Alas poor Alan, we knew him so well