Beyond hippies and surfers: 11 signs you have become a Byron Bay cliche
From the “forever DJ” who lives for the beats, to the “freedom fighter” who has forgotten the cause, here are some of the stereotypes on show in the Northern Rivers’ most glamorous seaside hub.
Byron Shire
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OPINION
The Northern Rivers has changed.
What once was the enlightened gathering waterhole of hippies and surfers is now a different place, a mecca for wellness and the promise of “a weekend with the girls”.
And with that, the demographics of the area have also changed.
Where do you fit in the Byron stereotype scale?
1. Covid refugee
You did not arrive on a boat, but you own one.
You hate the term ‘blow-in’.
When Covid hit the fan, you called “your” Rose Bay (or Northern Beaches) real estate agent and asked him for his cousin’s number: a real estate agent in Byron Bay.
With a bit of help from the bank and leniency from the NSW Government, you were able to dash to the airport and check on the Myocum/Suffolk/Wategos house your realtor’s “cousin” found for you.
And voila! In a month, your champagne-coloured leather couches were here, but you were at a meditation retreat when they arrived.
The truck drivers who delivered said couches were in the news a week or so later, but you don’t watch the news, too dark for you.
2. The freedom fighter
You were there every dawn for Bentley to ensure Metgasco did not frack the Northern Rivers but you really don’t remember it.
That’s because you were high on “life”, but that’s another story.
You have been to every demonstration that has been called via Facebook: the Lennox Head tree, the 5G tower in Mullum and the one against Netflix, although your brother was in that series.
You were going to go to the Tweed border to protest against the lockdowns but your mum needed you to run some errands at Main Arm.
You have found your dreadlocks and political stance have fitted right in at these rallies, which, coincidentally, are also a good place to pick up.
You have been doing the same TAFE course for five years but besides your mum, who keeps asking you to run errands to Main Arm, nobody remembers.
3. Semi-retired artist
You hit the top of the charts and now you are changing nappies at 45, so you may as well do it in Byron.
You were a loose one in the 80s, or was it the 90s?
Sure, Myf Warhurst knows you by name, but nobody under 30 does anymore. Thank God for Google.
You won a Grammy/Emmy/Oscar/Aria/Dolphin Award a while ago and you can almost play/act/sing as well as you did, but life caught up with you in 2004.
Now you have a wife half your age and she’s preggers.
Time to get a German/Brazilian/hot au pair to change the nappies for you.
Who knows? You may even write another hit. One day.
4. Inherited boomerism
You have never accomplished anything, but you inherited your parents’ 17 properties, so...
When you turned 25 and both your parents passed away of old age, you left your job at JB Hi-5 (is that what it was called?) and moved to their home in Lennox Head.
You can’t surf. All your friends are surfers but nobody has noticed yet, because all your barbecues are at your place anyway and you get all the beers.
5. Forever DJ
A distant cousin of the semi-retired artist, the only difference is that you are still chasing the dream.
After years DJing at Cocomangas, Cheeky Monkeys and whatever doof they invited you to, you hit 30 in 2005 but you have looked 45 since 1999.
You call everyone a ‘blow-in’, even people who you went to school with.
The Forever DJ doesn’t live for the music, she lives “for the beatz”.
Your boyfriends are always dealing drugs so they last a couple of years and they end up relocating to another state or going to jail (or both).
But you are a “free spirit” so you don’t care.
6. The suburban drug lord
Nobody would suspect Kev from Suffolk Park moves more gear than Pablo Escobar, right?
I mean, he’s got his three girls at a private school and has a shop in the big smoke as well as two in Byron that sell SFC (stuff from China).
His wife is too busy getting Botox at the Gold Coast with her friends to ask who’s paying for it.
But every now and then the paranoia takes on him and he moves houses for no apparent reason.
His wife complains until she realises that the new house has an extra five bedrooms.
7. Mum is the word
She ismarried to Kev, has three gorgeous girls and just the right amount of body fat.
Activewear is her look of choice on her way to a marking walk up the lighthouse with “the girls” and then to the shops.
She sure is an alcoholic, but nobody would mention it.
Never too famous on Tik Tok, she amuses her 500 followers (also known as family) with whatever she copies from real influencers half her age.
Kev provides for her, so she makes sure he’s taken care of and doesn’t ask too many questions, money is boring anyway.
Well known at the girls’ school as an active member of the PCYC, she always looks the part, until Kev has to go away for a while and then it’s her against the world.
8. Imported free spirit
It’s time to subpoena a stud from Argentina.
Born somewhere in South America, their tanned physique and outdoorsy attitude goes well with Byron culture.
They were backpackers just before the turn of the century and for some reason they stayed, waiting tables, dancing at drumming circles and the like.
They have that goofy, sexy accent that makes German backpackers weak in the knees, but their dream is to marry an Aussie and stay forever.
Everyone calls them a ‘blow-in’ but they have zero idea what the word means.
Just don’t ask them to fill out a tax declaration or a Medicare form, please. Cultural shock.
9. The ‘artisan’
Someone please tell her that wearable art made of cigarette butts will never be a “thing”.
You have seen them at the markets, creative types, showing you their latest creations. At least they are not SFC, but there is no way you would ever wear anything created with reused stuff.
Like, I’m all for the environment, but that diadem you are selling for $150 still smells smokey and my Chihuahua has asthma, sorry.
10. Gen Z Influencer
How did you live before the internet?
Boomers still call you Millenial because, well, they clearly can’t tell you apart.
Blamed for every bad thing in the world, like making up global warming, and every pandemic or catastrophe, your life is better online, where you are in control and there is a filter for every mood.
Gen Z’s career of choice is Instagram influencer and Byron is the perfect setting for gorgeous content, darling.
All you need is a phone, a stylist, a good wardrobe, a hot boyfriend who can take a photo and influencer friends to cross promote.
11. Forever surfer
How’s the surf today mate? Did you get run over at the Pass yesterday? Is Lennox better today? Did you see those hot chicks from Lithuania learning to surf on the weekend mate? I am working extra shifts at the restaurant to buy a new board mate. Are we still planning to go surfing in Bali and Maui in 2022? I watched the surf at the Olympics mate, only good thing to watch I reckon.
Have you got a spare ciggy?
The author may or may not have fitted into some of these types during his time on the Northern Rivers.
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