Zings, power moves and hecklers: Tony Abbott one-upped in Zali rivalry

Tony Abbott was given the lead when his rival Zali Steggall ditched a televised community forum. And the former PM was upstaged.

When Tony Abbott moseyed on down to the pub in his blue-ribbon battleground of Warringah to face voters last night, the absence of his arch rival Zali Steggall should’ve allowed for some free shots from the former prime minister — but his chance at scoring points on his arch rival was hijacked by zings, power moves and hecklers.

Tony — whose popularity in the area was declared “diabolically bad” following internal Liberal Party polling this week — remained subdued during the Paul Murray-hosted Sky News forum, where candidates in the hotly contested northern beaches seat were grilled by a rag-tag group of voters who resembled the weirdos depicted in that new Chris Lilley Netflix mockumentary.

After 11 weeks of Married At First Sight, we were expecting rough and tumble scenes at the Harbord Beach Hotel in Sydney’s northern beaches. Maybe tensions would rise over a question about renewable energy and Tony would be forced to throw wine on that lady from The Greens.

Heaps fun … Tony Abbott, United Australia Party’s Suellen Wrightson, Green’s Kristyn Glanville.

Quietly entering the pub through a back entrance surrounded by security detail, the self-declared “underdog” came for the votes but stayed for the snacks.

“Do you want something light? A sandwich? A little bruschetta?” he was asked ahead of the broadcast.

He couldn’t resist the offer of bruschetta. Quite the fancy treat. Very la-di-da. There wasn’t a scrap of bruschetta on the banks of the Nepean River where ScoMo was hanging out last night, but this was different. Warringah is Liberal heartland: they eat bruschetta for breakfast.

Tucking into the light snack and downing a beer while standing with sister Christine Forster on the pub floor alongside voters was a power move to show his comfort — this is the seat he has held for a quarter of a century: he belongs here.

But his tactic wasn’t as powerful as the baller move pulled by Bronwyn Bishop, who choppered into the beachside suburb of Freshwater to appear as a commentator throughout the broadcast. She whirled across the bar floor in platform boots and a black pantsuit, whacked her patent leather clutch on the table and demanded a bowl of hot chips. Bruschetta, schmu-schetta. Demanding a bowl of hot chips wherever you go while wearing a silk scarf draped around your neck is an example of true influence in action.

Of course Bronwyn’s in a great mood, she just had hot chips.

Perhaps Tony should’ve also demanded a bowl of hot chips, because the bruschetta didn’t fire him up. Despite being in the fight of his life against independent candidate Zali, he barely attempted a decent swipe at his rival. When asked about electric cars and climate change, he didn’t even jump at the chance to bring up those salacious photos of Zali driving around in a regular car instead of a horse and carriage like people who actually care about the environment.

Tony’s heart wasn’t in it and throwing insults around a pub when your rival isn’t there is for amateurs. He prefers to bring down an arch nemesis like a normal person: by renting the storefront next to their place of work and plastering the windows with sledge posters.

Instead, the task of throwing random insults came down to United Australia Party’s Suellen Wrightson who gleefully stumbled through Zali zingers.

“Politicians usually stop working after they’re elected … Zali stopped working before it even started!” she said slowly, making sure she got the wording of her insult just right while trying to contain her excitement at the thought of how the audience was about to react. She got so swept up in the dis she almost licked her index finger and touched the air while making a sizzle noise.

When candidates were asked about Steggall’s association with progressive lobby group GetUp!, Wrightson again swooped in to offer up a clumsy burn.

“Let’s start with four words: GetUp need to get out!” she declared with a satisfied smirk, pausing for the crowd to hoist her up on its shoulders. Silence fell across the room as everyone squinted and mentally counted how many words Suellen had just said.

It definitely wasn’t four words. It was, like, a million.

Anyway, just as everyone began arguing about whether GetUp! should be counted as one word or two words, that confusing mock GetUp! mascot appeared in the window and everyone shrieked and then he got trapped in the glass corridor while attempting to crash the broadcast.

Frightening scenes.

“I hope he says something stupid,” a voter said. She could’ve been referring to the mascot but I’m pretty sure it was about Tony. Captain GetUp! seems pretty switched on.

As the old adage goes, if you don’t have anything stupid to say, don’t say anything at all.

Cue a 20-something man asking the former prime minister about housing affordability and the cost of living. Tony blamed immigration.

“You know what’s depressing wages at the moment? You know what’s sending house prices and rent up? It’s immigration!” he announced as one particularly reckless section of the audience groaned.

“Oh f**k off! You’re a migrant, Tony!” one woman yelled as the house wine was running dry.

Bronwyn continued to pick at her bowl of now-cold chips nearby. It was obvious she regretted coming.

And so did host Paul Murray. He was getting tired of having to tell the rag-tag team of voters to stop crapping on and to just ask their damn questions. By the time a 100-year-old man Zimmer-framed his way up to the microphone with a speech typed over three A4 pages, Paul had had a gut full. And as he tried to again explain to the assembled folk of Warringah how to ask a question like a normal person, some loser in a stained T-shirt nursing a beer walked behind the panel to subtly flip his middle finger up at the camera.

Yet another baller move.