The Sketch: The hegemony of the hirsute has infiltrated Australian politics
OPINION: It has gained little attention until now. But this particular part of our political landscape is telling. It clearly signals some forme of secret society — the hirsute equivalent of the Masonic handshake.
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AIR today, elected tomorrow.
The hegemony of the hirsute has infiltrated Australian politics and all thinking Australians with a sophisticated grasp of the history of Western liberal democracies should be experiencing deep neural alarm.
Both prime ministerial aspirants are experiencing the impacts of male pattern baldness in a phenomenon known colloquially as having a “sparse front lawn”.
But in most two-dimensional televised appearances Bill Shorten and Malcolm Turnbull can create the perception they have a reasonably hairy head, and therein lies the evidence of their participation in a sinister global conspiracy.
No bald US president has been elected since Eisenhower in 1953.
In Britain a nude nut hasn’t occupied 10 Downing Street since Churchill.
Ever since Lester B. Pearson’s arrival in the ’60s, Canadian leaders have become progressively more hairy in a trend building up to that follicular symphony crowning Justin Trudeau’s head when he took office last November.
Statistically the chances of so many leadership positions being filled by shaggy-headed middle-aged men goes way beyond the mere “improbable”.
It’s clearly some form of secret society — the hirsute equivalent of the Masonic handshake.
In fact, it’s become an open secret in Australian political circles that Kevin Rudd was co-opted by this fleecy elite, whose global commandant is British MP Boris Johnson, to take out the brilliant but bald-as-a-plucked-chicken John Howard.
That widening crown on Abbott’s head left no option other than being neutralised by the slightly more pileous Turnbull.
Bill is flocculent enough to maintain a grip on power should he win in July but if Mal is victorious he should watch not merely his back, but his forehead, concentrating first-term efforts on turning back not the boats, but the hairline.
He can try all the Donald Trump-like subterfuges he wants as the woolly assassins start to circle.
But if that slow retreat accelerates, the lush locks of a Mathias Cormann will swiftly find their way into the prime ministerial suite.
Originally published as The Sketch: The hegemony of the hirsute has infiltrated Australian politics
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