How England's cricketers can enjoy Australia after their inevitable Test match defeats
At this rate, English cricketers might be spending less time batting and more time sightseeing. Here’s Tim Blair’s guide for our time-rich, talent-poor English mates... and their fans.
Test cricket is a gruelling sport, pitting the world’s best players against each other in five days of brutal leather and willow action.
Unless, of course, you’re an England cricketer who’s crashed out of a Test within two days - in which case the biggest challenge is finding something to do with all your spare time.
Here at The Daily Telegraph, the Paper That Cares, we aim to help our time-rich, talent-poor England mates.
Lost a Test and lost for tourism options? Just consult our handy Australian capital city and Test venue guide, and you’ll be fully occupied.
Unlike England’s batting creases.
Second Test: Brisbane
Fun fact: Australian fast bowler Mitchell Starc can get wickets during night Tests just by walking back to his mark.
A one-day Gabba Test is therefore on the cards, leaving England’s shell-shocked stars free to roam Queensland’s famous beaches, tour the tropical north or drop in on the Irwin family’s Australia Zoo to celebrate Robert Irwin’s win in Dancing With the Stars.
Oops – that’s another Aussie triumph. Sorry for the reminder. Here’s an alternative location: Dreamworld, the popular Gold Coast theme park. None of the rides at Dreamworld will provoke any terrible Test memories.
Most of them, anyway. Just steer clear of the Giant Drop, which lifts you nearly 120 metres before plunging you to the ground.
It’s the gravitational equivalent of being 1/105 before … well, you know. Maybe give this one a miss.
Third Test: Adelaide
The Adelaide pitch is usually our nation’s slowest and calmest, meaning easier than usual batting conditions. With the Australian pace attack blunted, experts believe this Test match may even reach a third morning.
Afterwards, the beautiful Barossa Valley beckons. So does Kangaroo Island, if post-traumatic stress disorder doesn’t kick in upon seeing live examples of half Australia’s cricket logo.
Better perhaps to stay on the mainland and hike around the delightful Belair National Park – except that it’s full of emus, the other half of our logo. Anything on Netflix?
Fourth Test: Melbourne
Or “Naarm”, to use the southern capital’s Indigenous name. Did you know that “Bazball” is an ancient Wurundjeri term for “win the toss and still lose a five-day Test inside just 12 hours”? It’s true!
There’s so much to do in Melbourne, but not all of it is fun. Lots of it is machetes. England players with a few days to spare may find themselves dodging street gangs or being subject to angry public abuse.
But it won’t be locals. It’ll be members of the Barmy Army, furious about wasting their entire annual leave from the kipper cannery on just two days of cricket per city. Give them space, and head straight for …
Fifth Test: Sydney
One England captain has a brilliant record here. Problem is, his name was James Cook and he hasn’t had much to do with the place for the past 250 years or so.
Maybe take in some of the historic sights associated with early settlement, or visit Kingsford, the Sydney suburb that became home for England’s fast bowling great Harold Larwood – someone who could actually win a Test.
And there’s always the stunning Sydney coastline. Our best beaches have nets, but don’t worry.
They’re nothing to do with cricket practice.
Onward and upward, England. Or, if you can’t manage those, head outward.
First look at Sydney’s Power 100 list
