The real question we should be asking our sons

‘What is a woman’ has become one of the most loaded questions you can ask. But amid a masculinity crisis facing our sons, one group is asking something far tougher.

‘What is a woman?’

Somehow, this has become the ultimate loaded question, used to trip up politicians and public figures around the world in this era of controversial culture wars.

Is being a woman a biological term or a social construct? For every definition, there is an exception, and an exception to the exception.

But while ‘womanhood’ is apparently a contested space, the question we should really be asking is ‘what is a man?’

Because our boys are more confused than ever as to who they are supposed to be. And this uncertainty is taking its toll on their mental and physical health.

Josh Glover, senior facilitator for The Man Cave, Australia’s leading preventative mental health and emotional intelligence charity for teenage boys, said the organisation’s research showed that young men felt left behind, unsure of their place in the world and had turned to ‘traditional’ unhealthy forms of masculinity simply because it was at least clearly defined.

Indeed, recent analysis by policy think tank e61 Institute showed that while Australians have generally become more progressive on gender roles over the past 25 years, males aged 15-24 now held more traditional beliefs about gender roles, such as believing it was best if males earned more and women cared for children, than any other age group apart from men over 65.

Josh Glover, senior facilitator for The Man Cave.

The views reflected a significant change since 2018, when the attitudes of young men were still moving toward more progressive views. The trend remained even when factors such as education, employment and the urban-regional divide were taken into account.

Mr Glover said gender roles had evolved significantly over the past few decades, with the #metoo movement and headlines about ‘toxic masculinity’ resulting in a defensive backlash from young men who felt mischaracterised as ‘bad’.

He said these boys sought solace, validation and connection in the ‘manosphere’, an online movement that overlaps with the far-right and alt-right communities with leading figures including Andrew Tate, a self-described misogynist.

Tate’s definition of masculinity is based on dominance, machismo and wealth, in his world ‘real men’ drive fast cars and treat women as property because women like to be controlled.

Unfortunately, Mr Glover said this clear but limiting definition of masculinity – based on dominance, machismo and wealth, where ‘real men’ drive fast cars and treat women as property they deserve to control – was already creating high rates of mental ill-health, male suicide, gender-based violence and male disrespect towards female peers and teachers in schools.

However, he said Gen Z struggled to see a more empowering picture of masculinity, one that was strong, empathetic, driven, caring, principled and supportive.

And that’s where The Man Cave comes in. Visiting schools across Australia, including southeast Queensland, its student workshops are a series of whole-day experiences that explore the concept of masculinity and aim to build healthier relationships.

With the Federal Government last year announcing partial funding for the Man Cave as part of a landmark investment in the future of masculinity in Australia, Mr Glover said the charity was already seeing an incredible impact through its work.

“Just this week we’ve worked with 700 boys, and we are seeing the change as we take them through a rite of passage experience that helps stretch them to be more connected to their authentic selves and to be the kind of friends and men that their communities want them to be,” said Mr Glover.

“When we ask the boys what the biggest issue is that they face and, without a doubt, the number one issue is mental health. Some of that is because they lack the skills and space to navigate those challenges, but a lot is to do with their confusion about what their role and purpose is.

“They are really feeling very lost and not seeing their worth, or their role to play in our world. That’s why they’re moving online, because they feel so incredibly isolated in their own world, but are finding some sense of connection and belonging online. “We try to create that space and that sense of purpose for them in real life.”

A session run by The Man Cave, Australia’s leading preventative mental health and emotional intelligence charity for teenage boys.

Mr Glover said the primary ethos of the Man Cave student workshops was to ‘choose to see the greatness’ in boys.

He said he would never describe boys as toxic or broken, but sought to connect with teens through play, competition, banter and general silliness.

“You have to meet them where they are at, and it’s fun,” he said.

“But we let them know from the start that we respect them, there is nothing wrong with them, but there are always ways we can grow and improve – and that includes ourselves as facilitators.

“We tell our own stories, ways that we have struggled and ways that we have pushed through, we show them what it looks like to be authentic and then we give them a challenge.

“That challenge is to do the one thing which so much of society is telling them not to do, which is to authentically share how they’re going. Like, actually drop the mask, drop the bravado, drop the performance of masculinity, and just authentically be themselves. And then we really celebrate who they are, as an individual and as a group.

“In one of my earliest workshops I worked with a year eight group, and this one boy shared this beautiful but challenging story about how he had been feeling very depressed for the last six months, not wanting to come to school, feeling incredibly isolated at school.

“This was a big moment for him, it was the first time he had shared it, and it was so wonderful to see all his classmates get around him and support him.

“Two years later, I came back to the exact same school with these boys who were now in year 10, and that same boy came up and shared how the highlight of his life was when the Man Cave came that first time, because he had been so depressed and he finally had the opportunity to share what was going on for him.

“He said that had completely shifted his friendship group after that, his mates now knew what was going on and they now knew how to support him and show their care, he said that school had just gone on a completely different trajectory for their whole cohort.”

Mr Glover said while issues with boys at private schools seemed to make the most salacious headlines, every school had its problems and its strengths.

He said while students at state schools, particularly those in lower socio-economic areas or country schools, might have experienced more trauma, they were also hungry to learn.

“Once you’re doing this job, most of your misconceptions get myth-busted pretty well straight away. Public or private, every school has issues, every school has highlights,” he said.

“The only big difference is the sorts of challenges that the kids have gone through in life. Private school children tend to have experienced less trauma, although there are certainly exceptions, and trauma can create behavioural issues.

“But the flip side of that is where private school boys might know the right answer to say, state school boys speak from the heart much more easily.

“That helps create an even greater impact because they really understand why this workshop is important, they get it and they are hungry for it.”

A session run by The Man Cave, Australia’s leading preventative mental health and emotional intelligence charity for teenage boys.

Mr Glover said it was his own experience at an all-boys private school that sparked his interest in helping students.

He said he had felt first-hand the shallowness of male friendships and the social policing that boys performed.

He said he wanted to offer the opportunities he wished he could have had in school.

“As a student, we felt restricted, that we weren’t really allowed to let each other in, we couldn’t allow our friendships to go any deeper than jokes.

“Male friendships where we can be playful and fun and have a lot of banter with each other are great, but there’s so much more if we can give permission for vulnerability and for sadness and softness.

“One of my best mate’s parents divorced in year 10, and we knew he was going through a hard time but none of us knew what to do. Nobody talked about it and he never talked about it, and years later I found out he had been close to harming himself at that time. This was my closest mate and we didn’t know how to be good friends to each other.

“And the other side of that was that I have three sisters and I want them to be in a world where men are kind, authentic and compassionate.”

Indeed, Mr Glover said one of the reasons that boys have become such a topic of discussion, and their behaviour and beliefs placed under the microscope, was because of the effects of their actions on girls.

He said the push for equality and women’s rights was necessary and beneficial to society, but some men perceived that as meaning their rights or their role would be minimised.

“It’s a very nuanced thing to discuss, because feminism has done wonderful, wonderful things for our world,” he said.

“The hope, the aspirations and the success of girls and women is something we should all champion, and it has shifted culture in a positive direction and at a speed that we really haven’t seen in history.

“But one of the things that maybe we missed was to say to men, this is where we need you in this story. We need your role to be moving into hands-on fatherhood, we need you in professions like teaching and health.

“We need to explain that just as women’s roles are changing and growing, so too are men’s. They aren’t losing their role, it’s expanding.

“It can be a difficult topic because boys do still have privilege, and it should not be the burden for women to reassure them, but we also don’t want to continue this narrative of a zero-sum game.

“If girls are being lifted, that doesn’t mean men are being pushed down. The less rules and restrictions we have on who we can be, the more authentic we can be.

“And that’s when everyone wins.”

Perhaps the most powerful answer to the loaded question of ‘what is a woman?’ or ‘what is a man?’ is to stop asking it altogether, and instead empower our teens to define themselves.

Originally published as The real question we should be asking our sons