Samantha Armytage: Hey haters, I’m not only beautiful, I’m funny too
SAMANTHA Armytage’s last column in Stellar on body confidence got the punters talking — and the haters hating. Now she’s back for Round Two.
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AS that great foremother of hilarious newspaper columns Erma Bombeck once observed: “When humour goes, there goes civilisation.”
Well, guess what, people? Civilisation has gone. Let the looting begin. Society has officially lost its sense of humour.
And because martial law now exists in this wasteland of wit, from this day forward I will now write JOKE in capital letters and parenthesis, after each joke, so that the more literal among you will know when to laugh (just like they do for those American-canned-laughter studio TV audiences).
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So here we go... Earlier this month, I wrote what I thought was a brilliant (JOKE), hilarious (not a JOKE) column for Stellar on how no-one is perfect and we all have to love what we are.
Mid flow, I explained if you don’t think I’m beautiful (with all the TV hair and make-up and lights) you were entitled to your opinion. But that you’d be wrong. (JOKE! JOKE! JOKE! JOKE! One more time for the dummies — that was a JOKE!)
As with most of what I say in life, my tongue was firmly in my cheek.
Well. The ensuing outrage could only have been beaten by the beating given to Bert or Barnaby. Entire newspaper pages were dedicated to my breaking of the golden rule for women: to NEVER admit you’re beautiful. (I was actually not aware that was a rule.)
I thought when society told us to be confident, love what we’re blessed with (and hide the scary bits) we were actually meant to be, and love and hide. Whoops!
The outrage commentators also kindly (JOKE) shared with me what the burning fires of hell (aka the online “comments” section for articles) were spewing up from the anonymous underworld of those vile and ugly haters. (Not a JOKE.) I was “over the hill”, should “work on radio” and, my favourite, “not all that”.
Well, guess what, idiot? I AM all that. (Not a JOKE.)
(FYI: I NEVER read the comments sections as I have better things to do, like slam my hand in a car door 15 times.)
Exasperated didn’t even begin to describe it. Silly me, I’ve always enjoyed the funny, outrageous people in society, and tried to avoid the ones who consider Kath & Kim a documentary.
“Isn’t laughter the best medicine?” I wailed to my mother (a former registered nurse).
“No, Samantha. Medicine is the best medicine,” she replied, deadpan. (The haters will be pleased to know that in addition to being hideously ugly and ridiculously unfunny, I still regularly and with great gusto whinge to my mother about bullies and idiots.)
I reflected if I was to blame for creating this outrage (JOKE). It’s true, I DO rely on the laughing-crying emoji too much, but is that a sin punishable by death? Perhaps.
And then my mother called me back and said, “Write a column about how stupid and lacking in humour people can be these days.” And I whined, “Jeez Mum, I haven’t got time today to improve society.”
But I’ve always prided myself on my self-deprecating humour, despite making my living from the TV industry. And I never shy away from a fight (as I make my living from the TV industry).
So, like the tenacious (not a JOKE), try-hard comedian I am (JOKE), I began to write. And here ’tis.
If you don’t think I’m funny, you’re entitled to your opinion.
But you’d be wrong.
Samantha co-hosts Sunrise, 5.30am weekdays, on the Seven Network.