Sam Armytage: Sunrise host shares her honest review of 2020

2020 hasn’t been easy on anyone, including Samantha Armytage, and now the Sunrise host has divulged her novel solution for making things right.

The following is an excerpt from a consumer review on the year that was. The reviewer tried to be as polite as possible given the circumstances. And I... I mean, she, will be pursuing this under the full force of the law.

Dear Sir/Madam/Non-Binary Pronoun,

At the beginning of this year, I paid (in full) my membership to the human race for 2020. I feel the past 12 months have not lived up the promises made in the brochure of life.

I have been let down in almost all respects, and I demand a full refund. Although I received my membership pack in January, I didn’t get to wear the cap, because we couldn’t go outside.

I immediately lost the keyring and lanyard, as everybody does. Although the club scarf did come in quite handy, initially as a preventive mask for bushfire smoke, then throughout the year on random trips to Woollies to stock up on toilet paper.

“I ask that you grant me a full refund on 2020. I would also like a public apology and one million dollars in cash.” (Picture: Hanna Lassen/Getty Images)

As I purchased the Premium package, I was promised dining at the cafe or restaurant of my choice. I was guaranteed a seat in the stadium for the Finals. I was also assured priority boarding on the plane. None of these were delivered.

As one of your valuable clients, I was entitled to be able to go to a nightclub and stand up to dance – even if I was sitting and drinking and there were less than 50 people on the dance floor, although more than 50 on the dance floor and there were 2 people per 4 square metres.

Or 1 person per 2 square metres. And no-one at the bar. (Oh hell, who am I kidding? I haven’t been to a nightclub since 1994.)

“I feel let down by my membership in 2020 as I’ve missed out on a lot of wonderful experiences.” (Picture: Instagram)

I was given an undertaking that my ride this year would have 12 months’ warranty, free servicing, leather seats and cup holders. What I actually received was pretty much the sticky, hot, vinyl seats and overflowing ashtrays from my childhood.

The vehicle had Takata airbags and I think the seatbelts didn’t even work. In fact, at one point I tried to cross the border into Queensland and was fined simply for hiding in the boot of my husband’s car. Disgraceful.

I saved millions of Loyalty Points during my membership of the human race and planned to use them this year on a lovely, peaceful all-expenses-paid family holiday to Wuhan. Well... that certainly didn’t happen, did it?!

I feel let down by my membership in 2020 as I’ve missed out on a lot of wonderful experiences. Working from home has denied me the pleasure of office politics and the absolute delight of travelling during peak hour in a major city.

So, to conclude, I ask that you, The Universe Pty Ltd: grant me a full refund on 2020. I would also like a public apology and one million dollars in cash (said in Austin Powers’ Dr Evil’s accent.)

Samantha Armytage features in this Sunday’s Stellar.

Alternatively, I would like JobKeeper for life. I would also like a guarantee that I will not be spammed for all eternity as a result of QR codes.

I thank you for your understanding.

And I ask that you work hard to ensure better service in 2021.

Yours sincerely,

Name and address withheld (perhaps just call me Karen.)

Samantha co-hosts Sunrise, 5.30am weekdays, on the Seven Network.

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