I keep choosing the wrong guy. How do I change?
What should you do if you have a history of choosing men who are not available or accessible? Clinical psychologist Jo Lamble has some expert advice.
Stellar
Don't miss out on the headlines from Stellar. Followed categories will be added to My News.
What should you do if you have a history of choosing men who are not available or accessible? Clinical psychologist Jo Lamble has some expert advice.
My close friend recently had a baby and I have become concerned that she may have postnatal depression. She’s not herself, hardly leaves the house and has said a few things about how having a baby isn’t what she thought it would be.
I can’t be sure as I haven’t had a baby, but I have lots of other friends and relatives who have and I know it’s never easy, but this feels different to me.
I don’t know how to approach her about it as I don’t want her to be offended, but I also think it’s important to check she’s OK. What should I do?
Many mums suffer in silence as they feel they are failing if they’re not enjoying motherhood. If someone has had a history of depression or has a family history of depression or postnatal depression (PND), then they are at higher risk of developing PND.
The other huge risk factor is a lack of support. Does your friend have a supportive partner? Does she have family around to help?
Signs that she might be suffering from PND include: social withdrawal, tearfulness or sadness, irritability, anxiety, decreased confidence and a lack of enjoyment.
MORE STELLAR:
Ksenija Lukich: ‘Channing Tatum was a bit smarmy’
Looking back on the making of Muriel’s Wedding
The best thing you can do for your friend is to offer her plenty of support. Cook some meals for her. Offer to sit with the baby while she has a shower, or a walk or a sleep.
Reassure her that you’re fine to sit at home with her, but offer to take her out if she’d prefer.
Tell her that although you don’t have children, you can see how tough it looks to have a newborn.
Ask her about what she finds most difficult about her new life. Be that safe place where she can hopefully start to open up about how she’s feeling, and then encourage her to seek help. The Gidget Foundation is a fabulous place to start. Visit gidgetfoundation.org.au.
I am in my mid-50s and single, although I have had relationships over the years.
I have a history of choosing the wrong partner as I tend to be interested in men who are not available or accessible. And so the relationships don’t last, which has seen me become scared to try again.
How can I change tack so I start choosing men who will be in it for the long haul?
With your history of choosing unavailable men, I’m guessing that you might have a fear of commitment.
Confusingly, commitment phobia tends to come from a fear of abandonment. In other words, it’s not the fear of being in a committed relationship that is the problem; it’s the fear of being hurt or rejected.
By choosing unavailable men, it can feel easier to cope when the relationship fails. You can tell yourself that he wasn’t yours in the first place, so it doesn’t hurt so much.
It can feel like a much greater risk to date someone who wants a commitment from you because then there is no excuse if it fails.
Commitment phobia is usually caused by a past hurt or watching a parent being hurt.
To change tack, only date available men. And when you start seeing someone, just focus on one date at a time.
Try not to think too far ahead. Don’t make plans for next year.
As soon as your mind drifts too far to the future, the fear of losing him can rise.
Enjoy the present with a nice available man and let it evolve slowly. But in the end, the best way to overcome commitment fear is to commit.
Got an issue for Jo to tackle? Send your question to stellar@news.com.au.