Exclusive: Sam Burgess tells all on rehab and marriage breakdown with Phoebe

The former NRL star has opened up about his drug driving charge, rehab, marriage breakdown, relationship with his children, love life – and personal traumas he is finally confronting.

In the nearly two years since he called time on his storied career in sport, former NRL player Sam Burgess has never been far from the headlines, mostly for all the wrong reasons.

Sordid allegations amid the bitter dissolution of his high-profile marriage and an arrest for drug driving did little to improve his public image.

It was a turbulent period that prompted Burgess, as he tells Stellar in an exclusive interview, to embark on some long-overdue self-reflection – and a trip to confront the personal traumas he had ignored for so long.

How are you? That sounds like polite small talk, but given the events of the past couple of years – which we will talk about in more detail in a minute – it’s a pretty big question. So how are you?

I’m actually really great. As you touched on, it’s been a tumultuous time, but I’ve always had a very positive outlook on life situations, since being a kid. Considering the current lockdown situation, the world is in Covid chaos, I’m actually doing great.

“I’ve forgiven myself and forgiven others. That’s where I am in my life.” (Picture: Steven Chee)

Earlier this year, you pleaded guilty to a driving charge after testing positive for trace amounts of cocaine at a roadside drug test in February. What is your relationship with alcohol and drugs today?

Yeah, I’m sober from drugs and alcohol. With alcohol – I’ll have a glass of wine with dinner if I fancy it. But it’s a completely different relationship to six or 12 months ago. That charge, it was probably the straw that broke the camel’s back for me. I was really, really deeply embarrassed about that. I really needed to address a couple of things in my life and I feel great for doing that. Wish I’d learnt these tools 15 years ago … I’m doing the work to put things right.

The thing is, I’ve been a professional athlete for 15 years, my whole life really, constantly working on becoming better as an athlete both physically and mentally. I’ve had 15-plus surgeries on injuries, so when I get to the gym every morning, I spend 15 minutes on pre-existing injuries to make them stronger. But in terms of some injuries I’ve had in life, some traumas, I just don’t work on those and thus have not learnt how to process them, to manage them. Stemming back from being a kid.

You went to rehab?

I spent 28 days in rehab. And it gave me the tools to process and manage the scars or the injuries of my life. I was really reluctant to go. To be totally honest, I didn’t think I needed to go. I initially went for the break to get away from the hostility of my life. But when I got there, there was an option to be there for seven days or 28 days, and after day one I went back and said, “I’ll be here for 28 days. I’m in the right place.”

“If we forever judge people for what’s happened previously, how can we expect anyone to move on? How can we ever expect anyone to be better?” (Picture: Steven Chee)

When you refer to traumas in your life, can you talk about what some of those are?

It’s known that I lost my dad young to motor neurone disease, which is a pretty horrific disease to go through. I was my dad’s main carer. I had just finished school and was making my way as a professional athlete. Thankfully I had done quite well, so I managed to support the house and care for Dad, and pay the mortgage and bills. The moment Dad passed away, I went to training the next day. We held the funeral a week later, I played two days after the funeral and from that day, my life became about sport.

That was my escape. So I never really mourned my father. And it sounds crazy, 15 years on now, to say I never really processed the death of my father, which if I’m being totally honest with myself, I didn’t. Because since that day, my life has been so busy and the way I dealt with things was to be the first to training every day and the last to leave, go home, make dinner then go to sleep excited to do it all again the next day. And that was my routine. I became obsessed with sport and being as good as I could be. I wanted to change my life – change my family’s life – forever. So that’s probably one of the deepest, biggest scars of my life.

More recently has been my retirement … I didn’t have the game to go and get lost in. It was a lot in the past 18 months. I went through all of that in rehab. Once you start to unlock the first bit, you can then start to unlock the second and third. It makes a lot more sense now. As men – especially growing up in a house full of boys and in a male-dominated sporting environment – we tend to hide from our emotions. Whereas in actual fact, I believe it catches you up if you haven’t processed emotionally. So that’s what I’ve learnt. It is a wonderful thing to go through. Quite softening, you know, like, “Oh, I’m human. I feel things, I’m not a robot.”

“As men … we tend to hide from our emotions.” (Picture: Steven Chee)

After getting married in 2015, you and your ex-wife Phoebe separated in 2019, not long after the birth of your second child. Phoebe has spoken to Stellar about subsequently rebuilding her life in the wake of what she described as the “pain and trauma” of that time. How has the end of the marriage impacted you?

I really don’t want to say too much or do anything to sort of bring any more pain towards Phoebe in this situation. It is much harder than I thought it would be. Essentially, I still think it is the right decision for us both … I still care about Phoebe, we have two amazing kids [Poppy, 4, and William, 2]. We just didn’t work out as a married couple.

We should work out as parents and that, to me, is the most important thing right now. I’m trying to better myself so we can be better co-parents, which is my ultimate goal in this situation.

How is your relationship with your children?

I’m very fortunate. I have two amazing kids and Phoebe has done a great job with the kids. I see them every week. I’m blessed to have healthy, fun, charismatic kids. Both different. My daughter is wild, crazy and fun, and my son is calm, considerate and gentle. I thought it might be the other way around [laughs]. I’m so fortunate in that respect. I count my blessings every day. They’re wonderful children.

Late last year, The Australian published a detailed account of South Sydney Rabbitohs allegedly covering up claims of drug use and domestic violence to protect you. Do you still deny those allegations?

Yes. Categorically deny the allegations. That really hurt me a lot because, simply, it’s just not true and it’s just not who I am or how I was raised. I felt trapped. I couldn’t come out and say anything at the time. I’ve not said anything to this day about that. It was just really hard to read, but I categorically deny any case of domestic violence: being aggressive towards Phoebe – or any other woman.

The timing of everything was extremely disappointing. It was a very hard period to sit through and weather the storm, and try to be calm and just considerate about everyone else in the situation.

“I don’t want my kids exposed to it anymore. I don’t want to be exposed to it. It’s just not a healthy way to live.” (Picture: Supplied)

A police investigation into the allegations raised (Burgess has not been charged with any domestic violence-related offence) is ongoing – so are you still somewhat in limbo?

I am, totally. I’ve lost all my jobs, lost all my work overnight. I know my truth and I’ve held on to that tightly … one thing I would like to say [about] the alleged domestic violence: there were seven or eight people in the house that day. We’ve heard from two of them. So in time, the truth will live forever. And that’s what I’m holding on to right now.

Back in March, you succeeded in overturning a conviction for intimidating your former father-in-law, Mitchell Hooke. How is your relationship with your children’s grandparents today?

I am respectful. Obviously myself and Mitch don’t really talk too much, but I speak with Sarah, Phoebe’s mother. Things happen in the heat of the moment and I’ve moved on in my life. I think people get caught in the past, holding on to those grudges – I don’t want my kids exposed to it anymore. I don’t want to be exposed to it. It’s just not a healthy way to live.

Do you worry about what your children will make of all this when they are old enough to ask questions about the past few years?

There’ll be some things in there I’ll have to explain. Obviously, the driving charge is going to come up [and] they’ll probably ask questions about some other things, but I’ll just be totally open and honest. Tell them about the lessons I learnt. I’ve never claimed to be perfect. They’ll make their own mistakes in life, too. It’s my job to be there for them and guide them through that. Hopefully they’ll learn from the mistakes I’ve made. I’m not too scared by it. It’s life.

There has been some criticism over you being cast in the upcoming TV series SAS Australia. What would you say in response to that?

Well, I mean, I don’t know if I need to say a great deal. People are always going to question or disagree. But if we forever judge people for what’s happened previously in their life, how can we ever expect anyone to move on? How can we ever expect anyone to be better?

“I became obsessed with sport and being as good as I could be. I wanted to change my life – change my family’s life – forever.” (Picture: Supplied)

We will also draw some criticism at Stellar for running you on the cover. But there is a power in forgiveness and redemption. What would you say to other men who may learn from your experience in confronting unresolved trauma?

In the past 18 months I’ve had so many learning experiences that I can’t help myself from sharing that. This is probably as open as I’ll be about it publicly. But subtly in my day-to-day life, I feel my responsibility is to pass on that information, to encourage men to think about that and talk to someone, because the majority of players or young males I come across are from disadvantaged backgrounds, broken homes, violent backgrounds.

I stood for something on the field. I was just this big gladiator sort of player, but that was for 80 minutes a week. For the other 10,000 minutes, I’m not that guy. I’m completely different. Just Sam. Just the family guy, like every other man in the world. So I know I have a place for that, for breaking down some of the stigmas that are in male-dominated sport, or even in general. And that’s what I want to do over the next part of my life. Coaching, mentoring … I think I can make a real difference.

There’s always speculation about Russell Crowe and the role he plays in your life. What can you tell us?

He holds a great place in my heart and to my family, too. He’s just a wonderful man. Russell is the man who made it possible for me to change my life. He’s been true to his word from the day I met him. He said, “There’s not a door I can’t open for you, but you’ve just got to step through it.” And he’s totally stuck to that.

You know, I’d like to think on my side, I’ve lived up to that for him. The past little while I probably could have done things a bit better. But again, he’s still there for me. He’s been a great constant in my life.

Sam Burgess features on the cover of Stellar this Sunday.

What does the future hold for you in your personal life? Do you foresee a day when you would potentially remarry?

That side of my life is quite tricky. I’ve always said I love kids, and I’ve wanted a lot of children, but I also want to be extremely respectful to Phoebe. I’ve got friends with kids that are older – 15, 16 – and repartnering. So I’m not sure. These are all things I’m going to have to work through and figure out. While I was an athlete in that mindset of going in this direction or that direction, everything happens really fast and quick.

Now at my old age of 32, I’m kind of mellowing out [laughs]. I look at things with more of a bird’s-eye view of the situation. How’s it going to affect each part of my life? Is it fair on everyone? Is it fair on a new partner to be thrust into it all? I’ve met a couple of lovely girls, but it’s just not fair to put them in that position of being in a relationship right now.

There will be some people who will be cynical about your motives for doing this interview, and who will question the sincerity of your rehabilitation. What, if anything, would you say you to them?

That’s OK. My reasons for being here are not to do that. But I can live with that. You said something earlier about forgiveness – and forgiveness isn’t a weakness, it’s really not. I’ve forgiven myself, forgiven others. Life has got a lot of beauty in it when you can forgive people. That’s where I am in my life.