David Campbell: ‘Hey 2020, go get stuffed!’
With Christmas a mere 12 weeks away, David Campbell is making the case for celebrating early. In this week’s column, he writes about why the silly season couldn’t come soon enough this year and how he hopes Santa will tell 2020 to ‘get stuffed’.
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With Christmas a mere 12 weeks away, David Campbell is making the case for celebrating early. In this week’s column, he writes about why the silly season couldn’t come soon enough this year and how he hopes Santa will tell 2020 to ‘go get stuffed’.
’Twas the months before Christmas and all through the nation, the kids were stressed Santa wouldn’t bring a PlayStation.
Will borders open up in time for holiday gatherings? Will Dad’s COVID belly get any less flattering?
All year, it had seemed, we stayed in our homes, socially distancing and responsibly staying in our zones.
With masked mouths, outside we would venture, the toilet-paper wars were a real bum-clencher.
Each child learnt from home, much like days of yore, so wine o’clock started much earlier than before.
Gone were the norms we relied upon. Who to turn to? “Arise, Norman Swan!”
Well the nation closed down and so did the world, we all bunkered round, our bleak futures unfurled.
Adrift and at sea, we sensed nothing but doom, pub-trivia nights were now relegated to Zoom.
Our hands we did wash like never before, while all through our Netflix we had time to explore.
Bread we did bake, the dough it was sour, as we reminded ourselves we should probably shower.
As month after month became one and the same, we collectively decided we all had no shame.
“Fashion be damned” we all screamed with haste, and sweatpants we bought for their forgiving waist.
Regardless of education, from arts to zoology, we are now all armchair masters of epidemiology.
Experts were we. How good? Just ask us. On Twitter you can’t be sued for malprah-ctice.
Glued to our TVs for word from our leaders, now is not the time for the wheelers and dealers. Now ScoMo! Now Dan! Now Gladys! Now Anna! On Steven! On Mark! Almost none had a clanger.
Popping home to see Mum would now be a dream, unless you head straight into a long quarantine.
Two weeks in a hotel, but not of your choice, trapped with no air and bad food just doesn’t seem noice.
Hey wait… is this it, for the rest of our days? A prisoner of our homes, our lives seem a haze.
So much we have lost, a lot we held dear, arts, theatre and gigs, all put off ’til next year.
Most sporting teams found a way to adapt, the AFL final Brisbane kidnapped!
Schoolies was gone and the Olympics, too. Not the Logie Awards?! Oh no! What would Grant Denyer do?
Is Halloween dead? Could the kids trick or treat? Are ghosts and ghouls even allowed on the street?
As the year starts to close, we can all see a light, for the Year 12 students put up a formal-night fight. Reason prevailed, the formals are on, no touching while dancing, just like Kevin Bac-on.
So we look to you Christmas and the end of the year, even without fireworks, I’m sure we’ll all cheer.
For this year will end, none too soon for us all, everyone’s affected, no matter how big or how small.
Our lives have now changed, the future’s unclear, although if there’s one wish I would like us to hear.
It’s as Santa springs to his sleigh, as the reindeer take flight, but before St Nick disappears in the night.
As Mr Claus rides off, he should yell loud and tough: “Fare thee well 2020 and from us all... go get stuffed!”
David co-hosts Today Extra, 9am Monday to Friday, on the Nine Network.