David Campbell confesses his deep, dark secret

“I am going to confess something here that very few people know,” TV host David Campbell says. “My only hope is this allows other guys like me to be honest and talk to each other about it.”

David Campbell: “My only hope is this allows other guys like me to be honest and talk to each other about it.” (Picture: iStock)

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I am going to confess something here that very few people know.

It’s not something I am particularly proud of and, indeed, it may not endear me to a lot of you out there.

My only hope is this allows other guys like me to be honest and talk to each other about it.

I can’t fix anything. When something around the house breaks, my natural reaction isn’t, “Let me grab my toolbox and I will have this done in no time at all.”

My basic instinct is to stare blankly at the door handle/light fixture/tap/flat tyre and think: “Well, that’s broken. Where do I buy another?”

Or, “Maybe I can call someone who knows what they’re doing.” Said person will have tools and will fix this for a fee.

When there’s something broken in the neighbourhood, who you going to call? Not David Campbell. (Picture: iStock)

I don’t own a toolbox. In fact, the only tool in my home is, well... me.

I find going to Bunnings completely overwhelming and truth be told, I’m only in it for the sausage sizzle.

My first part-time job out of school? A hardware store. I kid you not. I learnt nothing. Give me a call, Alanis Morissette, because I have another verse for ‘Ironic’.

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Of course I am joking around and poking fun at this here for you on a Sunday, and yet I do find the whole conundrum really emasculating on some level.

When I look around, it seems like everyone drives a ute, can fix anything, can perform a perfect home renovation and loves to shop at IKEA, just so they can build an entertainment unit which also doubles as a bar and a cot. Not me.

I really don’t have a skill set and this is seriously bothering me the older I get.

I can trace it back to not being raised by people who were “handy”. The handiest they probably got was nicking a pack of chewy at the checkout back in the day.

Maybe not having a father at home has something to do with it. Although my dad is not really Jim The Tool Guy, is he? I would give anything to see him try a flat pack from a Swedish shop. The screams!

“I don’t own a toolbox. In fact, the only tool in my home is, well... me.” (Picture: Damian Bennett for Stellar)

David Campbell’s column features in this Sunday’s Stellar.

Also, it seemed to me like every sitcom in the ’80s featured an episode where the sink breaks, the wife says, “Let me call a plumber,” the “man about the house” gets a spanner and attempts to fix it himself, inevitably making matters worse and having to call the plumber after all. These were teachable moments from our past.

I do care about how this looks for my children. I would like nothing more than to pull something apart with my son or daughter and spend a Saturday afternoon toiling away like a triage mechanic saying, “Pass me the cordless impact wrench.” (I just Googled it and it’s a thing.)

The fear is I would pull something apart, with my children watching in wonder, sweating and trying to hide my unmanliness behind grunts and mumbles until they wandered away realising that they are the offspring of someone who has no clue whatsoever about the practical basics of life, and can’t help them in any way, shape or form.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is my legacy.

David co-hosts Today Extra, 9am Monday — Wednesday, and Weekend Today, 7am weekends.

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