Chanel Miller on how she took back her name
After a young woman known only as Emily Doe was sexually assaulted by Brock Turner five years ago, her victim impact statement went viral. Now Chanel Miller explains why she revealed her identity – and why she’s a survivor.
Stellar
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Five years ago, a young American known only as Emily Doe was sexually assaulted by then-student Brock Turner. In 2016, her victim impact statement went viral worldwide. But it wasn’t until late last year that people learnt who this brave woman was: her name is Chanel Miller, and she is no-one’s victim. She’s a survivor.
For a long time, I was adamant about keeping the assault separate from my identity. I put it in a corner, interacted with it whenever it was necessary, but I didn’t allow it to surface in my day-to-day life.
Writing my book, Know My Name, finally allowed me to weave it into my narrative, and to accept that it’s part of who I am. I get to describe how it informs me. It happened, but it doesn’t have to damage me every day.
When I decided to reveal my identity, it felt like my family and I were preparing for a battle. My guard was up; we were readying ourselves for those waves of hostility that we had already endured.
Instead, when I stepped out into the light, I was widely embraced. At first I was tentative to accept all of that warmth, but over the past few months I’ve been learning to trust people again.
I think that throughout the court process, I lowered the bar on how I expected to be treated. Now it’s like, of course people should be kind to you. That should be normal.
In the beginning, the anonymity was necessary for self-preservation; I felt really porous and vulnerable. Any negative comment I read online was absorbed directly.
But, over time, anonymity can be damaging because you’re concealing such a formative part of yourself. There is value in fully and openly acknowledging what you’ve been through. I needed to do that for myself. I craved rejoining the community. It was so isolating to be writing a book alone in my room, and lying to 90 per cent of people in my life about what I was doing.
When I read my impact statement aloud in the courtroom, I emerged thinking my words were worthless. It never occurred to me that reading it had been a courageous act, that I should be praised in any way. I felt punished.
But for people to give me a new framework to see myself [after her lengthy statement was published online and notched up millions of views within hours], to have them say, “Wow, you are eloquent, talented and brave...” I thought, yes, I am those things. It just took me a long time to realise it.
When I heard the guilty verdict, I envisioned that to be a moment of triumph, but there’s so much work left for me to do. To those going through trauma, please be patient with your feelings. There are no deadlines for this type of internal work.
And never question your importance. Because my story was fragmented, it was always dismissed. As I had a gap in my memory, I don’t think I was taken as seriously. I was someone who couldn’t provide a full narrative.
Even when I was given the opportunity to write my book, I thought “Who am I to tell this story?” There are people who are experts in this field.
But I understood that I had something others didn’t have, which was experience. Your experience is so valuable, and it is only yours to tell. No-one is allowed to dismiss what you’ve been through.
Chanel Miller will speak at the All About Women festival on March 8; sydneyoperahouse.com/all-about-women.