Carrie Bickmore: The truth about mothers-in-law
“MY mother-in-law used to wash, dry and iron my partner’s clothes for him. I thought it was ridiculous,” writes Carrie Bickmore. “But fast forward a few years and his mum is my saviour.”
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I’VE been thinking a lot lately about becoming a mother-in-law.
A little weird, I know, given my eldest is only 10! But all the movies I have ever watched make mothers-in-law or MILs (not to be confused with MILFs) out to be controlling, meddling, conniving creatures who don’t want to share their son with another woman. And while I am sure there are elements of truth to these stereotyped plot lines, I reckon the mother/daughter-in-law relationship is a little bit more complex.
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I say mother/daughter-in-law relationship because I think it’s different for mums of daughters compared with mums and their sons. Mums of daughters seem more naturally involved. Think about weddings. The mother of the bride is usually far more involved than the mother of the groom, and at births you’ll often see the woman’s mum in the labour ward, not hubby’s mum. I have no intention of being anywhere near my son’s partner’s “business end” if he ever has a kid, but the point is men tend to rely on their mums less once their partners come along.
One of my good friends has always been super close with her son. Enter beautiful Italian lass. They had a brief romance here in Australia before she got homesick and they moved back to Italy, and had a baby. Since moving, the dynamic has changed. My friend always seems to call at the worst possible time, and when she goes to visit she gets in the way.
Staying with a couple in their one-bedroom flat for three weeks is very different to popping over for a mid-week dinner. Three quickly becomes a crowd and my friend noticed her son’s sense of relief when it was time for her to go. He loves his mum, but I guess in his head happy wife equals happy life.
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I’ve been fortunate enough to fall in love with men who had incredible mothers, but I am still aware that my arrival probably changed their relationship in some way.
Take my partner Chris. He works hard, is hands-on with the kids, isn’t scared to cook (if you like sweet chilli sauce on everything), and will happily do the washing (he may accidentally machine wash your delicates) but, point is, he isn’t afraid to dig in.
But when his mum is around, she does EVERYTHING. When we first met, she would come to his house, take his dirty clothes home and bring them back washed, ironed (even his underwear) and hung up. When I asked, “Why do you need your mum doing your laundry?” he would reply, “I don’t NEED her to, she just likes doing it!”
I thought it was ridiculous — and unfair on her — and I put a stop to it. (I would have loved to know the conversation that ensued at the other end.)
But fast forward a few years and his mum is my saviour. She pops round with mountains of meals, will hang up the washing and looks after the kids. I can’t imagine what I would do without her.
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So what changed? I changed.
I stopped thinking her desire to help was a reflection of my capabilities or wanting to meddle and realised that she just wants to help make her child’s life easier.
Sure there are times I cringe when watching her hanging out my teeny G-strings but, hey, if it makes her happy.
Carrie co-hosts The Project, 6.30pm weeknights on Network Ten, and Carrie & Tommy, 3pm weekdays on the Hit Network.