Big Brother host Sonia Kruger’s ‘lame’ cleaning confession

Big Brother host Sonia Kruger’s share house days may be behind her, but there are a number of bad house habits she still can’t tolerate.

For one brief, shining moment in time, I lived alone. Just me, myself and I. My relationship had broken up and after my ex moved out, I stayed in our one-bedroom apartment completely on my Pat Malone. I both loved and hated living solo. There wasn’t much to the tiny flat; it was more like a panic room with a kettle.

But I was the only holder of the key and that gave me an immoderate sense of power and sovereignty.

I was both the master and servant of my domain. I would make my bed, clear away the clutter and clean all the light switches (nothing OCD about that) before I left for work, only to come home to it looking… exactly as I’d left it. Wait…what? Why did I not fully appreciate that for the time it existed?

“I really admire about people who can live harmoniously with others and not get all bent out of shape about crumbs in the margarine tub.” (Picture: Daniel Nadel)

Over the years, I have had various flatmates. One of the best was my friend Andrew, who was an international flight attendant. Andrew was an awesome flatmate, basically because he was never there. But when he was home, he would wash and fold my clothes faster than you could say “five-star hotel laundry service”.

His skills in the galley – sorry, kitchen – were second-to-none, and when he finished preparing either the chicken or beef on offer, he cleaned the kitchen till it sparkled like champagne flutes in the Qantas first-class lounge. We’re still friends, more than 30 years later, because we have been forever bonded over the joys of Windex and Jif.

Everyone knows cleaning duties are the natural enemy of the share housemate. Whether you’re flatmates by choice or legal marriage register, those who clean versus those who are filthy animals raised by wolves – did I say that out loud? Er, those who don’t “contribute” – is a point of contention older than dirt.

Even now, in my chosen share house with my partner Craig, our six-year-old daughter Maggie and Teddy our COVID puppy, I find it hard to go to bed and relax until the benches have been wiped, the sink cleaned and the strainer emptied.

While we’re on it: what’s with people who put the sink strainer on the bench? Or anywhere, in fact, that’s not in the sink hole itself? I mean, how useful is a sink strainer when it’s not in the sink hole?

Sonia Kruger features in this Sunday’s Stellar.

I know how lame this all makes me sound. It proves that I’m really not cut out for sharing and would, in fact, be the most annoying housemate of all time if I were to ever go into the Big Brother house. I would be the bore lecturing people about picking up their towels and bitching about the housemates who didn’t wash their plates after a delicious serving of oatmeal rations.

Needless to say, I would probably be the first housemate nominated, followed by a landslide vote and an explosive eviction ceremony, where I would let rip about being the only one to empty the bins and storm out, taking all the Chux with me just to spite the others.

Don’t get me wrong. There’s something I really admire about people who can live harmoniously with others and not get all bent out of shape about crumbs in the margarine tub. There’s more to life than – to quote Eddy from Ab Fab – “surfaces, darling, clean lines and surfaces!”

So I’m trying to let go and live a little; to release my grip on the sink strainer, if you will, and adopt the mantra: “Our house is clean enough to be healthy, and dirty enough to be happy.”

Wish me luck.

Sonia Kruger hosts Big Brother, which airs tonight at 7pm on the Seven Network.