This easy-to-do love hack is the secret to a long-lasting relationship

A love guru says he has discovered the key to a strong relationship - and it’s a small gesture that could make the world of difference.

Successful long-term relationships are created through small words, small gestures, and small acts, says Dr John Gottman, a US psychologist famous for his work on marriage.

There’s no doubt that relationships are hard work but, according to Gottman, the number one hack which makes all the difference is “turning towards”.

Along with his wife, psychologist Dr Julie Schwartz Gottman, the Gottmans have not only studied love for more than 50 years, they’ve also been happily married for 35.

In a groundbreaking 1992 lab study, they were able to predict with 94 per cent accuracy whether a marriage would last after observing couples for just 15 minutes. One of the key factors was how often a couple turned towards their partner, along with how they made and responded to “bids for connection”, with the happiest couples dropping what they were doing to engage.

Dr John Gottman and Dr Julie Schwartz Gottman.

Trish Purnell-Webb, clinical psychologist and certified Gottman therapist, says that turning towards shows that you’re attentive and responsive to your partner’s needs and calls for your attention.

“It’s building emotional safety and trust into the relationship, and it tells your partner that they can count on you to be there for them when they call,” she says.

While all relationships go through a “honeymoon phase” this tends to decline over time.

However, Purnell-Webb says the difference with some couples is that they innately understand the importance of turning towards and they continue to do it.

“Early in your relationship, if you’re turning towards each other, and it’s meeting your needs and your partner’s needs, it feels good,” she explains.

“When something feels good we want to repeat it.”

The Gottman study acknowledged that it isn’t always possible to turn towards your partner, but couples who stayed together for at least six years did so 86 per cent of the time, while those who got divorced only did it 33 per cent of the time.

AWARENESS

Shahn Baker Sorekli and Helen Robertson are clinical psychologists, co-founders of My Love Your Love app, and happily married. Baker Sorekli says that while it might be common for couples to ignore a partner’s bids for connection, it’s not healthy.

“Without this awareness and responsiveness to your partner’s attempt to connect, there won’t be much left of a long-term relationship, just the general running of busy lives day-to-day,” she says. “Also, we need to learn to identify our partner’s bids for connection and to express our own.”

A young couple 'turning towards' each other.

Purnell-Webb says that in situations where you can’t drop everything to engage, the key is how you handle it.

“Acknowledge your partner and tell them that you can’t give them what they need right now, but commit to a time when you can,” she says.

“That shows your partner you’re not rejecting them, but that moment in time.”

If turning towards has faded from your relationship John Gottman recommends a 10-minute check-in. Pick a time to check in with your partner when you’re able to listen and ask if there is anything they need from you today.

He also recommends “picking up the pennies” as they add up over time. Like picking up a coin on the street, consider every moment of connection as valuable.

The act of turning towards isn’t just for couples either.

“It can be applied to dating and any relationship we wish to foster,” Robertson says.

“Learning skills in being present, listening, empathising and validating will boost any type of relationship.”

CHECKING IN

Merrin and Mark Schnabel from Geelong have been together for more than 20 years and married for 15.

 They admit to having had ups and downs over the years, but they also believe in communication, scheduling date nights, and prioritising intimacy.

“I didn’t know about the ‘turning towards’ hack,” Mark, 44, says.

Merrin and Mark Schnabel from Geelong, who have been married for 15 years.

“But I realise I’ve been practising it forever as I like to resolve problems rather than let them simmer. So if something is wrong with myself or my partner, I always want to talk about it, to resolve the issue.”

Merrin, 42, says she “loves” the hack. “I believe you should always check in with your partner, look them in the eyes when you’re talking to them and always be present,” she says.

“When you are out for dinner, for example, sit opposite them so you’re being present with them.

“Those small things that show you are attentive are even more important after a long time together.”

A DAILY CONNECTION

1. Each day, tell your partner how thankful you are to wake up next to them.

2. Give your partner undivided attention when they talk about work or family.

3. Tend to your partner’s needs, big and small.

4. Always kiss hello and goodbye.

5. Verbally acknowledge when your partner looks stressed.

Source: Gottman.com