Smarty Pants: How to deal with couples who merge their Facebook accounts

When you see a couple has a joint Facebook account, the first questions that springs to mind are: Who cheated and who can’t be trusted? This is why they are doing it.

Darren Levin has spent his life making bad decisions so you can make better ones. Ask away!

This week’s question is:

My married friends recently joined their Facebook accounts together into one super account with a photo of them on holiday. That doesn’t sound like a big deal but I never really know who I’m speaking to and it’s driving me crazy. How would you recommend I tackle this?

James, 43

Dear James,

Who cheated and who now cannot be trusted on social media?

That’s the obvious first question when your friends merge their Facebook accounts. And, no, that’s not just my opinion – it’s the global consensus of millions on the internet.

It’s the first place your mind goes to when your friends Charlene and Mick suddenly rebrand to “CharleneandMick R Definitelymarried” until they divorce three months later, surprising literally no one.

Until then it’s best not to assume you’re talking to one of them in particular.

Columnist Darren Levin is pondering the question: Why do some couples have merged Facebook accounts?

Try an innocuous inquiry like, “What are you up to?” If it’s Mick he’ll say, “Nothing. Wanna come over?” Whereas Charlene will just answer normally: “We had a lovely dinner last night and are now planning for Christmas.”

Every time a Facebook account merges, Mark Zuckerberg sheds a single tear. It’s because the more people who use his platform, the richer he gets. But also because he knows in his cold dead heart that it’s the sign of a deeper problem. That problem isn’t exclusively related to fidelity, however.

If you’re a dad born between 1946 and 1978, chances are you’ve outsourced all your social media obligations – like everything else in your life – to your long-suffering partner. They probably can’t be bothered maintaining two accounts.

There’s an argument to be made that most posts on social media point to deeper issues. Hotdog legs on a beach are a cry for attention. A pouty selfie in a pub toilet at 1am is a cry for help. Putting the caption, “Felt cute, might delete later”, on an objectively cute photo is a sign you’ve lost all perspective. Maybe it’s time we all logged off?

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Originally published as Smarty Pants: How to deal with couples who merge their Facebook accounts