Matchmaker reveals 25 vital dos and don’ts of a first date

Save yourself the time and trouble of 1000 dates by taking advice from a matchmaker who has done the legwork for you.

After 1000 dates, six heartbreaks and plenty of disappointments, Anna Swoboda was ready to give up on love forever.

Instead, she took four years off from dating, looked within, found her forever love with her fiance and has turned everything she learnt about dating and relationships into a matchmaking business.

“I started dating when I was 16 in Poland and dated a lot of men before I found love in the traditional way through a mutual friend when I was 38,” Swoboda says.

“I look back now and see that I really wasn’t being myself on all of those other dates.

Anna Swoboda who has turned her experience into a business. Picture: Supplied

“It wasn’t just that I wore perfect make-up and beautiful clothes, I was overdoing it in every way by trying to be perfect.

“When talking about myself I was more successful than I really was, more this, more that.

“I was saying, ‘Please like me’.”

Her dream to meet someone became a mission via online dating.

The Sydney-based, former TV producer would date five days a week, sometimes stacking multiple dates into one night.

Dates wouldn’t last more than an hour and she would never drink alcohol on the first date.

“I was very committed to finding love,” she says.

“If I dated someone for a month and it didn’t work out, I’d be crying Friday, Saturday and Sunday but on Monday I’d be back on. I had that drive, that fire that he was out there.

“When I really had enough, instead of rushing and trying to figure it out, I just stopped. I stopped trying to be perfect.

“Instead, I really worked out what my life was about, what relationship I wanted and I let myself be vulnerable. I let go of perfection and the expectation that it had to happen a certain way.”

Meet in person as soon as possible to make a genuine connection. Picture: iStock.

Relationships Australia (Victoria) psychologist Anastasia Panayiotidis says it’s crucial not to rush through the dating stage of a relationship and to take time to practise and learn.

“Dating is a commitment in itself because it’s very tiring but hope always keeps people going,” Panayiotidis says.

She believes it’s imperative people meet in person as soon as a connection is made online which she compares to a “lolly shop” where many make the mistake of thinking something sweeter will come along.

“If it doesn’t translate into a real date after six interchanges, it’s just like a computer game,” she says.

“But if you can establish it’s a real person and meet, the fundamental thing is connection and chemistry. A person knows in their heart if they want to see a person again and chemistry is that gut instinct, unless the other person is a player so be careful of fake charm.”

Don’t let online and app dating become like a video game. Picture: iStock

In looking at her own life, Swoboda became a relationship coach and now puts her clients through rigorous self-examination to prepare them for a relationship.

She, like many women, had been told she was being too picky, too shy, too confident, too much.

“I say ‘No’ to all of that,” she says.

“You really just have to be very clear on who you are, what you really want in life, not just in a relationship and what is your vision for that life.

“A lot of people will say they want a trustworthy partner but what does that mean to you exactly?

“Think about what you need to function emotionally in a relationship, what you need to get from your partner and how you want to spend time with that person.

“Don’t be worried about scaring people off. Then you don’t settle for 85 per cent. You get 100 per cent.”

Research the date location to get a feel for the ambience. Picture: iStock

FIRST DATE DOS:

1 Research the date location to get a feel for the ambience, set up and menu.

2 Exercise before a date or do something to get in a good mood.

3 Dress up but make sure you feel good in what you’re wearing.

4 Arrive on time or even 10 minutes early so you can take a moment to be present.

5 Don’t rely on an instant connection.

6 Be mindful of your body language – don’t sit with crossed arms.

7 Don’t let the first date take longer than an hour.

8 Be an engaged listener.

9 Brush up on your date’s interests before the date.

10 Women: If a man offers to pay, it’s OK to accept and say thank you. He’s not expecting anything from you. If you insist on splitting the cost of a date he may think you don’t like him.

11 Be vulnerable, real and speak your mind.

12 Open your heart and be curious about your date.

Put the phone away! Picture: iStock

FIRST DATE DON’TS

1 Arriving late.

2 Not making eye contact or smiling.

3 Not making an effort to look good.

4 Keeping their phone on the table, checking their messages or answering a call.

5 Expecting chemistry straight away and being discouraged if the spark isn’t there.

6 Drinking more than two alcoholic drinks.

7 Not asking open-ended questions.

8 Sharing too much information too soon such as problems, medical procedures (Fun fact: one of the men I went out with shared details of his colonoscopy).

9 Being negative and complaining.

10 Being rude to staff at the restaurant.

11 Talking at length about exes and bad breakups.

12 Using terms of endearment prematurely such as honey, babe, darling.

13 Bragging about income, connections, possessions or skills.

Originally published as Matchmaker reveals 25 vital dos and don’ts of a first date