‘I spend half the year living apart from my husband - our marriage is better for it’

A Sydney mum-of-two gave her family no warning she would be living at home ‘part time’ - and the result was not what she expected.

Monique has sent hundreds of thousands of emails in her life - but just one completely changed everything.

Three years ago, the Sydney mum-of-two was meant to spend five days doing some maintenance on her family’s holiday home and part-time rental in the Whitsundays.

On the day she was meant to leave, however, Monique didn’t get on the plane. Instead, she typed out a note to Michael, her husband of 23 years and father of their then 18 and 19-year-old sons.

“I woke up and decided to stay,” the 57-year-old tells Kidspot.

“I sent an email and said ‘I’m going to hang around here for a while as I just need to breathe, and I need some space from the family’.”

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Monique and her family. Image: Supplied

Moving away from the family

The couple remained ‘together’ but gave each other the space they both ended up needing from each other.

“If Michael had said ‘no’, I probably would have gone anyway, I was drowning so much that I didn’t see that I had any other choice,” Monique says honestly.

“Friends probably thought we were divorcing without the paperwork, but it was never about that, or seeking another partner. I always loved my husband, I just got to a point where I didn’t like him very much and I was a part of this unit as a parent without my own identity.”

Monique, who lost a dear friend at the age of 53 the year before, suddenly came to realise how fragile life was.

“As a carer of others, you get to a point where you haven’t prioritised yourself for decades and you’re exhausted,” she says.

“I’d never asked myself before what I wanted from life and I’d had years in the perimenopausal stage of not feeling good physically or mentally, and there was no support around like there is now. I was in survival mode and I couldn’t live that way anymore. I knew that if I didn’t make a change, nothing would change.” 

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An adult "gap year"

Monique remained in the Whitsundays for six months, before travelling overseas for another two. When she returned from her ‘adult gap year’ to the home she shares with Michael and sons, Benjamin, 22, and Henry, 21, Monique took stock of her family’s wellbeing.

“I asked the boys, ‘How was that for you? Did you care that your mother took off?’” she recalls.

“The eldest said, “I’m really impressed you had the balls to follow something you wanted to do’, and the youngest said, ‘I think you deserved it’. That was so lovely.”

The arrangement worked so well that Monique decided it wouldn’t be a one-off, and for the past two years, she has lived between the Whitsundays and Sydney, splitting her time somewhat equally between each home.

“I’ll have maybe a month up north then a week or two in Sydney, then it’ll switch the other way around. It changes all the time,” she explains.

“After being in Sydney, I love coming back to a smaller community and nature. The absolute silence is wonderful. It’s a sense of homecoming. I can go grocery shopping once a fortnight instead of every day, because I’m only catering to one person. I prioritise my health and wellbeing here.”

Living the (solo) life. Image: Supplied

While her life in Queensland is far less chaotic, Monique, who works as a wellbeing advocate is clear to point out that she’s not there on one big holiday.

“I see my health clients remotely, and I’ve written a book, so I never sit and do nothing,” she maintains.

The needs of her husband, sons and elderly mother remain a high priority - but are now tended to with more manageable boundaries.

“I don’t do what I want to do 24/7,” she says.

“I may be in the middle of a project, but I’ll come back when anyone needs me, and the first thing I do is go to the supermarket and fill up the fridge. If Michael ever became unwell, of course I would be by his side. When the kids have exams, I always come back for those because that’s the time where it’s my great pleasure to put a hot meal on the table for them and let them focus on that and juggle their jobs. Then at other times, I think it’s good to pull back to let them build that resilience because in their generation, they don’t have a lot of chances to do that like I did in my time when parents were less hands-on.

“I love seeing how the boys are now incredibly independent. Michael, who previously decided he never wanted to be in the kitchen, now cooks for Henry and Benjamin and their friends on Sunday nights and he’s very proud of that.”

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Is this the ultimate marriage tip? Image: Supplied

A very happy family 

As for her own space up north, Monique happily has her family come to stay throughout the year.

“I welcome them all the time, but there are some periods where I just have to say, there are two weeks where I need to be alone,” she explains.

“It’s just about putting boundaries around yourself and your time, even if it’s at home but you’re telling others not to disturb you for 15 minutes while you have your coffee.” 

As for sleeping arrangements, the couple share a room in Sydney but not in their holiday home - and it’s done wonders for their relationship.

“Michael has had sleep issues for many years, so I recommend to people if you can’t have separate rooms, to just have separate beds or separate doonas in one room - it’s a gamechanger and a marriage-saver,” Monique says.

“We have lots more space [in the Whitsundays], so it’s luxurious for us to have separate rooms and we both love it. When you sleep better, you are definitely more amorous.” 

In this cost of living crisis, Monique knows she’s incredibly lucky to have the options she does.

“It’s a privileged position to have somewhere else to go, and not everybody can,” she admits.

“If I didn’t have the house, what would I have done? I don’t think I would have rented a place, but I don’t know. I’m just so lucky I have a community in both places.” 

Monique says separating herself from her family on a regular basis has given her the breathing space she needed to reclaim her old adventurous self and passions she had abandoned in raising two children and running a household. And rightly so, she has no guilt about doing it.

“Asking, ‘Where is the ME in all of this’ doesn’t minimise the love that you feel for your family or your partner,” she says.

“It’s a really short life and it would be a horrible thing to get to the end of it and your epitaph says, ‘I forgot to get a life’. You can be the ‘hell, yes!’ person, but also one that has responsibilities and has a community to honour. It doesn’t need to be one or the other.”

With no plans to stop being her best self between Sydney and the Whitsundays, Monique - who is currently holidaying overseas with Michael and their sons - is relishing in having the happiest family life - and marriage - she’s ever had while remaining true to her own needs.

And it’s all thanks to that one email that she so bravely hit ‘send’ on all those years ago.

“It’s really wonderful - it’s almost like beginning a new relationship with Michael,” she says affectionately.

“It never occurred to me that it would happen initially, but we have settled into this beautiful respect for each other and the friendship we had before is even stronger. When we are together, we make an effort to spend time as a couple because it’s for a limited time, and he loves it when I come out with him to catch up with his mates.

“I’ve always loved him, whereas now we really like each other and a different type of deep love remains.”

Originally published as ‘I spend half the year living apart from my husband - our marriage is better for it’