Psych reveals the reason you fight with your partner before bed

Always find yourself bickering with your other half right before bed? You’re not alone – and the bad habit is ruining your sex life.

It’s a familiar scene for many couples: you go to work, come home exhausted, eat dinner, watch TV, and then head to bed.

Just as you pull the covers up, you decide it’s the perfect time to have a long discussion about finances, the children, the state of your relationship, or perhaps a three second remark your partner made two years ago, just to keep things petty.

What follows might be an infuriating back-and-forth, where each other’s choice of words and micro-expressions are scrutinised under the dim light of your bedside lamp, which is begging to be turned off.

After several “Can we talk about this later?” requests and “But we can’t go to bed angry!” retorts, an hour has passed that your partner will gladly remind you the next day “could have been spent sleeping”.

So, why does this happen? Why do we think those sacred pre-sleep moments – meant for winding down and hitting your Goodreads reading goal – are the perfect time to air our festering grievances?

According to Carly Dober, a Principal Psychologist and clinic owner at Enriching Lives Psychology, this pattern is more common than you might think.

Couples often fight before bed due to factors such as tiredness and a lack of closeness throughout the day. Picture: iStock

The late night tension

Ms Dober explains that individual biology and nervous systems can greatly influence how and when couples argue.

As fatigue sets in at the end of a long day, it can affect how people interpret situations that might not feel as intense during daylight hours.

“Conflicts can often arise when there hasn’t been enough time during a busy day to connect and talk to their partner, or because the business of an average day distracted them enough until it was time to go to bed,” she tells news.com.au.

Some people may hold back from discussing certain topics throughout the day, only for their emotions to become more pronounced in the evening, prompting them to bring them up.

What do couples typically argue about?

Ms Dober, who specialises in relationships, finds that most arguments revolve around common triggers: finances, parenting differences, intimacy, miscommunication, and past disagreements.

These sensitive topics often resurface at night when partners are preparing to relax, which can intensify the arguments.

Sleep consequences

While it might seem best to express your feelings whenever you feel the urge, arguing right before bed isn’t always the best idea.

“Obviously, it can cut into your sleep or affect the quality of your sleep, both of which can have serious consequences for mental health, mood, functioning, and cognition,” she says.

Arguing at night can have severe impacts on your sleep. Picture: iStock

“You may also be arguing with someone who is genuinely exhausted from their day and not catching them at a good moment can impede the success of the discussion.

“Not only this, we don’t want to associate our beds with arguing. We want to associate them with sleep and sex.”

As well as ruining your quality of sleep, and tarnishing the sacred spot you have sex, which in turn affects your love life – it can also lead to an increased likelihood of nightmares.

Ms Dober’s insights are backed up by a study in the US, which found that fighting before bed can bring on bad dreams.

Plus, being sleep-deprived makes it harder to regulate emotions, making it more likely that negative dynamics will repeat in the following days as you are more reactive to stimuli.

A psychologist advises couples to have a weekly check-in about their relationship. Picture: iStock

Strategies for better communication

To prevent these arguments from happening in the first place, Ms Dober encourages couples to communicate openly about their concerns without waiting for bedtime.

“Discussing with your partner that there’s something you’d like to address and finding a time that works for both of you can be very helpful,” she advises.

“Also, gently remind yourself that unless it’s urgent, all matters can be discussed the next day.”

She suggests establishing regular check-in meetings that allow couples to not only address issues but also to recognise what’s working well in their relationship.

“You might discuss how your partner is supporting you (it’s important to highlight the positives, not just the problem areas), the areas they might need help with, and any issues that have come up during the week,” she explains.

“For some couples, this could be a Wednesday night meeting; for others, it might work better as a Saturday morning catch-up.

“Find a time that works best for you all and treat it as a regular relationship maintenance discussion.”

Originally published as Psych reveals the reason you fight with your partner before bed