‘I quiet quit my five-year relationship’

Five years into a relationship, Mary Madigan had a realisation about her partner and a sad truth was exposed.

OPINION

Forget quiet quitting from your 9-5, I’d highly recommend quiet quitting your relationship. Seriously, if you’re doing more than your fair share, I’d recommend resigning from your role of overworked partner.

Quiet quitting has currently taken over our cultural conversation. Basically, it just means you set boundaries and do less at work.

Don’t overwork yourself, don’t overstress yourself and start doing the job outlined in your job description, not all the extra stuff. But it’s also something you can apply to your relationships.

Trust me: I’ve done it and reaped the benefits. I was with someone for almost five years when I decided to just quietly quit being his girlfriend. I was sick of doing emotional overtime, so I clocked out.

Mary Madigan quiet quit her relationship. Picture: Instagram

Of course, the phrase ‘quiet quitting’ wasn’t one of the loudest conversations on the internet back then. But I was ahead of my time. I decided to stop doing the most to make our relationship work and opted just to do what was reasonable.

See, I looked at my job criteria and realised I was doing things way out of my pay grade.

I set boundaries, stopped putting in unnecessary effort, and decided to see what would happen if I stopped being the initiator. I promised myself I wouldn’t organise anything and then see what we had left.

I’d asked myself the big question, would our relationship survive if I just stopped doing all the work? And suddenly, I was desperate to find out the answer.

Interestingly it feels like employees are currently asking the same question themselves. What would happen if I stopped killing myself over a job?

My quiet quitting was triggered by the fact that I was ingesting far too many romance novels at the time, and I realised that all the men in these novels were actively participating in their relationship, and I was jealous.

I’m not saying I wanted a big grand gesture; I don’t need a boom box outside my bedroom window, just maybe a boyfriend that booked a restaurant or offered to help me move house.

Are you putting all of the effort and romance into your relationship? Picture: Everton Vila, Unsplash

I’ve always suffered from ‘please like me’ syndrome, where I constantly feel the need to earn love or approval.

It happened at work – I spent so much of my early 20s working late or underselling my worth because I never thought I deserved a job or a role – and it happened in my long-term relationship. I constantly went the extra mile and eventually, I realised that he wasn’t even prepared to walk a single step.

I was the one that made an effort to visit him, I was the one that organised the plans, and I was the one that got up extra early to factor in the travel time from his place to mine. Meanwhile, he very firmly explained that he could only stay at my place on weekends due to the extra commute time. Basically, I was working overtime, while he was barely turning up for his shift. So, I decided to stop and see what would happen.

Once I stopped making plans, making an effort, or agreeing to get up early to stay at his place, we rarely saw each other. We didn’t really do anything when we saw each other either, and our relationship only revolved around weekends.

Quiet quitting a relationship can expose what’s really left to fight for. Picture: Charlie Foster, Unsplash

By the time I decided to break it off, I simply ended it via text. Purely because we hadn’t made any ongoing plans to see each other and I was concerned it could be weeks. Interestingly, he was shocked. Our relationship was on a downward spiral, but I think he just always thought I’d come to my senses and resume my former role while he continued to make zero effort.

But quietly quitting had made me realise that once I wasn’t doing all the work, I wasn’t getting anything out of the relationship.

The only difference between quiet quitting your relationship and quiet quitting your job is that quietly removing yourself from your relationship isn’t sustainable. Eventually, if your whole heart isn’t in it, you should kick it.

But stepping back made me realise I wasn’t getting anything back and gave me the strength to leave. Sometimes putting in the minimum can give you maximum results. For employees right now it’s about obtaining work/life balance and for me it was about realising I was going to be much happier single.

Mary Madigan is a freelance writer.

Originally published as ‘I quiet quit my five-year relationship’