How to make an introvert-extrovert relationship work
Believe it or not, introverts and extroverts can make the best couples. Our guide will help you make the most of your differences and send your relationship soaring.
They say the couple that plays together, stays together. But what if one of you loves nothing more than a night on the tiles with friends, while the other finds socialising stressful and prefers to stay at home?
Every relationship involves some level of compromise on any number of issues; working out how you socialise as a couple may be one of these issues, especially if you have broadly opposing personality types.
When one of you is an introvert and the other an extrovert, you’ll need to put in a bit more effort to find a workable balance.
The point is: there is no reason why this relationship dynamic can’t work and there are plenty of couples out there with an introvert-extrovert mix.
“People meet in all sorts of places that aren’t necessarily social,” says marriage and family therapist Stefan Walters.
“For example, you could be introduced by mutual friends and in that moment you’d have no idea what the other person’s social life is like — so there’s no reason introverts and extroverts can’t connect.”
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In fact, Walters says, it could even be a case of opposites attract.
“An introvert might be calm, grounded and thoughtful — traits that could be particularly appealing to an extrovert,” he explains.
“Meanwhile, an extrovert’s energy, passion for life and sense of spontaneity may seem admirable and different to an introvert.”
THE CASE FOR COMPROMISE
“Introvert-extrovert couples can clash when it feels like there’s no ability to compromise or see the other’s point of view,” Walters warns.
“When your relationship starts to feel like a battleground rather than a place of acceptance, it can become an issue.”
As with so many relationship sticking points, talking is the first step towards finding a balance.
“Making compromises for the people we love is very important,” Walters says.
“Both parties need to work hard to recognise and understand where the other’s needs are coming from. Neither person is being difficult — they’re just being who they are.”
The reasoning that we broadly fall into extrovert-introvert personality types was first suggested by psychiatrist Carl Jung in the 1920s.
His observations suggest that extroverts tend to engage with external stimuli, directing their energy outwards, which means they get a buzz from being around lots of people and being the centre of attention. In contrast, his theory says that because introverts are more solitary and thoughtful, they’re less likely to enjoy socialising in a crowd.
A recent study by Washington State University in the US extended on previous research showing that extroverts are generally happier and have more fun than their introvert friends, proving that the findings remain true even across cultures.
Experts warn, however, that no matter your personality type, socialising is important for everyone.
“Whichever type you are, human connection is a basic need,” says Sophia Dembling, author of Introverts in Love: The Quiet Way to Happily Ever After.
“If you’re an introvert and rely too much on just one or two people, you put yourself at risk of being cut off. And while solitude is OK, isolation isn’t.”
In fact, a study by the University of Georgia in the US showed that socialising together can improve the wellbeing and even the quality of a relationship as it acts as a buffer against potential stresses, such as financial problems.
So it’s well worth finding a middle ground when it comes to socialising.
A NEW PERSPECTIVE
When you get your energy from being the life and soul of the party, it can be hard to see the appeal of staying in night after night, and vice versa. But, says Dembling, they’re equally valid behaviours.
Introverts can feel overwhelmed when pushed too hard, while extroverts may feel depressed if they don’t get enough social interaction.
“The extrovert’s need for interaction is as strong as an introvert’s need for solitude,” she explains.
But no matter how large the gap between your socialising styles, with a bit of give and take, you should be able to identify ways you can socialise together successfully.
“It’s worth explicitly discussing what kind of interactions your partner prefers, rather than working it out through trial and error, because every couple is different,” says Dembling.
“For example, if you plan to meet an introvert one-on-one, they may not like it if you invite someone else.
“Meanwhile, the extrovert in your partnership is allowed to say: ‘This event matters and I really want you to be there,’ and it’s up to the introvert to work out ways of coping with it. If you agree to limit the number of parties you go to, that’s fine — but you have to discuss it first.”
Walters agrees that having different personalities shouldn’t be used as an excuse not to be flexible: “You should be able to come up with things to do together that work for both of you.”
If one of you hates big dinner parties, for example, you can agree to invite just one couple over at a time.
“However different you are, there should always be a willingness to see your partner’s needs. If neither of you will compromise, that’s a bigger relationship issue.”
IF YOUR PARTNER’S AN EXTROVERT(and you’re an introvert)
LEAVE THEM BE
If your partner’s happy to go out without you, don’t badger them while they’re out.
“Don’t pull guilt trips — by texting constantly, for example — just because you won’t join in,” says Dembling.
FIND YOUR SAFE PLACE
Refusing to ever go out is as annoying as an extrovert trying to drag you on to the dance floor.
“It’s not going to kill you to do one thing you don’t love once a week,” says Dembling.
“But you can look for ways of making it easier for you.”
And it will make your partner happy that you made the effort.
MAKE YOURSELF HEARD
Don’t leave your partner to carry the burden of all your social planning. If you don’t get involved, then you can’t get upset if you end up doing things you don’t like.
Dembling suggests helping plan activities to keep some control.
IF YOUR PARTNER’S AN INTROVERT (and you’re an extrovert)
GIVE YOUR FRIENDS FAIR WARNING
If you’re worried about how other people will react to your partner, explain it to them.
“Presenting their introversion as something not to be taken personally, makes it less of an issue for everyone,” says Dembling.
OFFER PROTECTION
It can be hard to remember your partner experiences things differently. When they need to retreat, find an opportunity for them to do so. Dembling says they’ll appreciate your support.
BE UNDERSTANDING
Once you’ve persuaded your partner out, don’t get annoyed by their coping mechanisms. If they cling, for example, they may be happier sitting in a quiet corner while you dance. Find a solution that works for both of you.
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