Em Rusciano: Am I the only one who finds marriage hard?

EM RUSCIANO’S husband is usually the one on the receiving end of her columns. But this time he’s been given the right of reply, and he’s confrontingly honest.

Marriage is hard work

WHEN the news of Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck’s rumoured separation started doing the rounds I was genuinely upset.

Why did it affect me so? I guess I kind of saw them as a better looking, richer more talented version of my husband and I.

What?!

Look just trust me on this one, she is sporty and he is ruggedly handsome.

Every article I read (look I won’t lie, I read a few) felt the need to bring up Ben’s acceptance speech at the 2013 Oscars in which he referred to his marriage as ‘work’.

He said: ‘’I want to thank you for working on our marriage for 10 Christmases. It’s good. It is work but the best kind of work and there’s no one I’d rather work with.’’

Apparently this is a bad thing. Stating the bleeding obvious that marriage, especially one over a decade long, takes work, is a no to the no. Many of the reports have placed this speech as the conception of the Affleck/Garner marriage woes. The first crack, the birth place of their future divorce.

What a load of crap.

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner: We can see the resemblance with Em and her husband. Photo: Christopher Polk/Getty Images

First off, if your long term marriage/relationship isn’t ‘work’ then I salute you. If you have found someone that makes everything easier all the time then you my friend, are in possession of an actual albino unicorn, aka strap that s**t down yesterday.

Normally at this point I would launch into a pithy diatribe about my husband giving him zero right of reply. I can be a real dickhead like that. But today I thought I’d let him take over my column. See how he feels about the whole marriage to Em situation. I emailed him some questions relating to our marriage and told him to answer them without fear.

He did.

Here they are.

1. What is the best part about being married to me?

The best thing about you is your energy and enthusiasm. I also like your Astro girl sparkly eyes and face.

2. What is the most challenging thing about being married to me?

How self-centred you are, your reluctance to trust and your unfair accusations in arguments.

That and the fact you are making me type this on a f**king leopard print keyboard and I can’t see the letters.

(*Note to reader: Scott’s laptop was flat so he had to use mine. Below is a picture of said keyboard. The struggle was real.)

Em’s keyboard. What do you mean it’s hard to see what you’re typing?

3. Would you classify our relationship as being hard work?

Yes, however hard work usually leads to something great. Hard work can be viewed as something negative I suppose, if there is no end goal. My end goal is a more harmonious existence with you so I am happy to put it in.

4. At what times have you felt happiest with me?

When we’re both heading in the same direction for something we both want, and we’re trusting each other. When you do things for others without being asked or asking for anything in return. When we first started going out and you wore that white, James Bond style string bikini.

5. At what times have you felt angriest with me?

The times when you interpret what I say through a filter of fear of rejection, general fear or self first thinking. When you formulate 46 arguments against what I am saying in the time it has taken me to say it, this usually means you haven’t actually heard me. When you don’t back me in front of our girls.

6. Are you happy with our sex life?

Yes. No problems there at all. You go all right, you’re a good root indeed. I wonder if you’ll leave this in?

7. Out of 10 what would you rate the strength of our relationship.

8/10

8. Do you think we’ll make it?

Honestly, I don’t know. I hope so.

Thanks Scotty, we’ll discuss your answers to questions 5 and 2 at a later date …

My question to you dear reader is: Why does admitting uncertainty in a relationship make everyone nervous? Will some of you read this and think that my relationship is doomed? Is this column my Affleck Oscars speech? The thing is, I feel an overwhelming compulsion to admit instability in my relationship. To claim anything else would be untrue and it also gives me a nice buffer zone for if/when things go to shit.

Three years ago, my husband and I were done. We called it quits on 12 tumultuous years and went our separate ways. We were broken and I thought completely unfixable. Then after a year apart we decided to work on our relationship and managed to put the pieces back together.

It’s not perfect, we were pretty smashed up and will never be restored to our original glory but it’s getting there. It’s taking a new shape, it’s a bit wonky and I know that both of us sometimes question our decision to get back together, but ultimately we are stronger together, and making something strong usually takes, say it with me, oh yeah you know what’s coming: Hard. Work.

Em and Scott. It’s hard work, but it’s worth it.

Em Rusciano is a comedian, writer, singer and regular news.com.au columnist. You can follow her on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram.

Originally published as Em Rusciano: Am I the only one who finds marriage hard?