Em and Scott: How we put our marriage back together

EM RUSCIANO and her husband Scott go where couples usually fear to tread, an absolute tell-all about their separations.

Em Rusciano and her husband Scott are back together again after a six month separation.

AS I write this column I’m sitting on a plane returning from a trip away with my husband Scott. He is next to me and given the subject matter we thought it best if he also contributes to this week’s piece.

Note to reader: My husband calls me Emy.

It’s the first holiday we’ve had together in 14 years. Work, kids and finances have provided reasons for us to not holiday as a couple. It was a magic few days, we grew closer and I even sat on the beach and watched my man surf like I did when we first met.

Things were slightly different then — I was 20 and in a white string bikini. Now I’m 37 and strapped up in a one piece that has the structural integrity of a NASA space station — it sucks my guts in and pushes my boobs up.

Everything else felt the same, I sat in the sun reading and would look up to see him waving every now and then, so I’d know which far off black dot he was in the surf.

Scott: Uninterrupted couple time is so important for relationships. It was a good few days. The bikini Emy refers to above was indeed awesome. A James Bond girl-esque number. I still like what I see despite Emy’s typical insecurities — she’s got a great chassis (she’ll wince when she reads that).

It was nice to be in a different relationship pattern these past few days, where things were lighter and kinder.

A holiday happy snap captured by Scott.

Em: The reason this holiday was important is because Scotty and I separated, for the second time, six months ago.

We didn’t separate for any specific reason, there were many factors. And to be honest we probably didn’t fix our relationship properly after the first time we separated (which was three years ago).

We didn’t tell many people this time and unlike the last time we spilt we stayed living in the same house.

He moved into the spare room, we went about raising our daughters together and attempted to keep our relationship going on a functional level.

The first three months were hard. We didn’t argue, no-one seemed angry, but we didn’t know what the boundaries were. Was it OK to sit and chat on the couch after the kids were in bed?! I needed some hard and fast rules but we were scared to set them.

So we swung between being best mates and long stretches of silence. Scott is stoic and able to separate himself from emotionally challenging situations. He was far calmer than I was about our separating; I walked around like a gaping open wound bumping into things.

Scott: I didn’t like being in separate bedrooms in the same house for all sorts of reasons, (I wasn’t involved in that decision) but I accepted/resigned myself/avoided/denied it in the short term.

I accept that may have come across as stoicism, I felt very sad but wasn’t prepared to face it.

Em: During this time I was also touring my stand-up show. All my energy went into that so off stage I was a hollow, strung out zombie girl.

It was a very tough few months, pretending you’re OK when your insides are caving in from heartbreak is tricky work.

I remember getting home from my Perth shows and cornering Scott. I was sick of the holding pattern we were in and felt that if either of us had any hope of actually moving on, we needed to plan our exit strategy. The conversation was a calm one, we talked about not being sure if we really wanted to get a divorce, and also both confessed we didn’t know if either of us had the energy or the motivation to try and put our marriage back together.

I knew that the thought of not seeing him every day made me wretchedly sad, and the hard part was: so too did the idea of staying together.

Scott: Emy touring her show not only made her impatient and overly sensitive, but also drained her energy and motivation to approach our problems at her best.

I wasn’t at my best either. By coping as best I could at the time, I certainly wasn’t focused on making things easier for her. I do remember that calm conversation. At the time it did feel like there was a need to commit to a decision there and then, and we almost did a few times. But we didn’t. We didn’t put a timeframe on making an absolute call.

Em: Looking back now, one of the things that was making it hard for me was the way I was thinking about our situation.

I now realise I had an idea about how it should have been happening, and this wasn’t matching up with the way it was happening. Shouldn’t we be shouting and throwing things at each other and bringing our lawyers to meetings? Isn’t that how divorces have to be?

When Scott said he didn’t feel the need for the situation to be like other people’s, it gave me permission to let go of the rules I had in my head. We agreed we could make our own version of co-living and parenting and see what came of that. From there, I was able to lean in and do what felt right and good at the time.

Scott: Sometimes you’ve gotta step back and see that the process you’re taking is not the only option. When Emy asked me what I wanted to do with us, I just didn’t know. Normally that wouldn’t be an acceptable answer for her and some sort of action, decision or resentment would be forced.

In fact, Emy often chafes with how things are, in relation to the idea she has in her mind about how things should be.

This time we were able sit with the uncertainty for weeks and months, which was a totally new approach for us.

Em: Slowly we came back together. We went away and worked on ourselves and started to relate to each other in a new way. Scott called this a third way of viewing our relationship and making things easier and better.

The first way was my view of how it should be, the second way was Scott’s.

The problem with our individual versions was that they were self-focused and self-serving — we were each drilling down on how we were being short-changed in the relationship, rather than what the other person needed.

Scott: I did something I should’ve done a long time ago. Something in part, I’d not seen the need for, but mostly just never got round to. I started working with a psychologist to deal with my general levels of dissatisfaction in my own life.

I’m still working with him and I love it. It’s been so important for my own learning and life, and it’s also indirectly helped us. The change in me has been subtle but significant. And easy. And noticed by Emy!

Such a small but real shift in me has had a big positive effect on our relationship. We need more breakthroughs and we have a fair way to go, but now we’re confident we can make things better. They already are.

Em and Scott.

Em: It’s not perfect or complete, but now Scott and I are working more of a team first approach — something we’ve never really had. This is nothing ground breaking but for a lunatic, self driven, lone wolf like me it’s been a life changing shift.

I’ve said this before: Long term intimate relationships are hard. Sometimes it is easier to walk away, sometimes you do just need a break for time and space, to go away and figure yourself out.

We’ve done that twice now and I don’t know if it will happen again but I’m OK if it does. We have our new approach and a third way, and yes I know it sounds like we’re on the brink of starting a relationship cult.

Maybe we will.

Scott: You should all know that Emy has many fetish type ideas, including an unsettling obsession with starting some kind of cult, any cult. She talks of it often.

Em Rusciano is a comedian, writer, singer and regular news.com.au columnist. You can follow her on Facebook.

Originally published as Em and Scott: How we put our marriage back together