Body+Soul 2024 Sex Census | How a cheating wife confessed the affair to her husband

A major survey has uncovered a surprise number of Australians who have cheated on their partner. More curious are the ones who got away with it, or stayed together after being exposed.

Mary was happily married and building a life with her husband when she was tempted into a passionate affair with a “very attractive, worldly” man from her work.

She’d slip away for romantic trysts with her lover, a “go-getter” who was 12 years her senior. “He was quite experienced … I was attracted and infatuated for a while,” says the social worker.

But after 18 months of secret hook-ups, the guilt became unbearable. Mary quit her job, ended the affair and summoned the courage to confess to her husband.

“I was dreading it but I thought ‘I’ve just got to do this … I can’t keep going with this betrayal between us’. I wanted to be able to work it out and I wanted us to stay together,” said the now-54-year-old.

One in four Australians say they would forgive a cheating partner.

“I said ‘there’s something you need to know. I’ve been having an affair but it’s stopped now. I feel so guilty, I don’t want you to leave’. He was devastated.

“I felt so bad about what I’d done. It’s not only the guilt and the damage you inflict on your partner but it’s how you then sell yourself short.”

Mary’s husband, Mark, decided to forgive his wife. And years later – after working on their relationship with couples and individual therapy – they are still rock solid.

“I think we learned a lot about ourselves as individuals … and with the love and patience over the years, we’ve become closer,” she said.

“We’ve survived it because I think we were basically compatible in some of the most important areas … he is my soulmate.

“Although that period of disclosure was a leap of faith, I knew I had to have the courage to believe in the strength of the relationship. We’ve shown that couples can get through this and be stronger and richer but it’s so important to reach out and get support.”

11 per cent of those surveyed said checking someone out amounts to cheating. Picture: iStock

50% WOULD LEAVE A CHEATER

The Adelaide husband and wife are not alone. One in four Australians say they would forgive an unfaithful partner because they love them, according to the Body+Soul 2024 Sex Census.

But 50 per cent would leave a cheater, the landmark survey, which takes a peek into the nation’s bedrooms to look at shifting attitudes and practice, has revealed.

The survey – the first in five years – shows 41 per cent of Australians say they have been cheated on but just 20 per cent admit to cheating on their partner.

DON’T MISS Body+Soul inside your Sunday paper on September 8 for more eye-opening results from the Body+Soul 2024 Sex Census, as we reveal what’s really going on in Aussie bedrooms.

The Body+Soul Sex Census reveals 46 per cent of cheaters have managed to keep their affair a secret.

And 46 per cent of Australians who have indulged in affairs behind their partners’ backs are managing to keep their spicy secret.

The study into the sex lives of more than 2000 readers aged 18 to 75-plus also unearths some dramatic beliefs about betrayal, with 11 per cent calling a partner who checks out a passing stranger a cheater and one in 10 people rating repeated likes on a third party’s online posts as a deal-breaker.

More than one in 10 say repeatedly liking someone’s social media posts amounts to cheating.

CHEATER EXCUSES ON DATING APPS

The results are no surprise to writer and dating expert Alita Brydon, who founded the hugely popular Bad Dates of Melbourne and Bad dates of Australia Facebook pages.

“There are so many stories on Bad Dates of Melbourne of people finding out that the person they’ve swiped on is actually married or in a relationship,” she said.

Alita Brydon, founder of the Bad Dates of Melbourne, says cheating is “more common than what we talk about”. Picture: Penny Stephens

“And it’s quite funny because some of the excuses we see when people get busted are things like ‘my mate set up the profile for me, or that was from we weren’t together a year ago, and I never deleted the profile’. I mean there’s always an excuse, it’s happens all the time.

“I think that cheating is more common than what we talk about … but just because it’s common doesn’t mean that it’s not devastating, just because it happens frequently to people doesn’t mean that it’s not life altering and serious. It’s a deal breaker for me. It would be incredibly hard to rebuild that trust.”

The Body+Soul 2024 Sex Census found that 46 per cent of cheaters have never been caught by their partners. Picture: iStock

Ms Brydon said for those who found the more innocuous actions of liking a third party’s online posts or checking out a passing stranger a betrayal, it was a matter of “intent”.

“You can like somebody’s post and it not to mean anything. But if you’re hiding from your partner that you’re liking someone posts, it’s a very different ball game,” she said.

Sydney relationships expert Samantha Jayne said for some couples, cheating was an “opportunity to repair” and start again. Considerations such as child custody and cost of living also factored into decisions to stay.

“I think cheating is really not easy to heal from but people stay for different reasons,” she said. “Sometimes it’s that they really love that person and it’s more important to them to repair than leave.”

The study unearths a trend towards polygamy, polyamory and open relationships, with 10 per cent saying they have more than one partner.

Ms Brydon said she had observed the “growing” trend in online dating apps.

“You only have to swipe on Tinder or Hinge and you’ll find that there are a huge amount of people in polyamorous or open relationships, and it’s growing,” she said.

“You can actually see them describe themselves as that and these words 10 years ago, they weren’t common words, people didn’t know what they meant. But in the dating world, we all know what that means now because it’s so common and meeting someone who’s polyamorous is just standard these days.”

Relationship expert Samantha Jayne says for some couples, cheating is an “opportunity to repair”. Picture: Tara Croser

The Body+Soul Sex Census survey found 52 per cent of respondents would leave their cheating spouse.

Ms Jayne said younger generations – who were “so much more fluid” – were probably responsible for the marked jump in non-monogamous relationships.

“There’s a lot more relationships that aren’t exactly exclusive, cheating with consent and polyamory,” she said.

But she said for the majority of couples she worked with, cheating was an “absolute deal breaker”.

“It’s very black and white for some people … they’re very strong in their values,” she said.

“There’s people out there that repair from cheating but it’s just a really tough thing so before you do it, be really, really careful. Not everyone is as forgiving.”

Don’t miss Body+Soul inside your Sunday paper on September 8 for more eye-opening results from the Body+Soul 2024 Sex Census, as we reveal what’s really going on in Aussie bedrooms.

Originally published as Body+Soul 2024 Sex Census | How a cheating wife confessed the affair to her husband