Are cheating sex dreams a sign things are not okay at home?
If you dream about cheating on your partner, does it mean it’s time to move on? Psychologist Dr Tim Sharp helps a woman whose erotic dreams have left her questioning her relationship.
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Got a question for our panel? Nothing’s off limits! This week, psychologist Dr Tim Sharp helps a woman whose erotic dreams have left her questioning her relationship.
QUESTION: I’ve been with my partner for 10 years and have never thought about cheating, but in the past few months I’ve been having sex dreams about one of his friends.
I wake up feeling incredibly aroused, but then quickly become overwhelmed with guilt.
Until I started having these dreams, I would’ve said I was happily partnered up, with no complaints — in or out of the bedroom.
But this situation has mucked up my perspective and now I’m wondering if I’m actually happy. What is this dream trying to tell me?
ANSWER: Let me begin by noting a common mistake made by many when it comes to dreams — their importance is widely over-estimated.
There are so many myths and misconceptions about dreams and their meanings — made famous by Freud and his followers — but the reality is that, as far as we know, dreams are quite simply the result of our brains laying down memories and organising information collected throughout the day.
That’s not to say dreams don’t have any meaning, but the deep and meaningful (and often fantastical) elaborations drawn by some are most likely to mislead and make you overreact.
Your dreams are most likely based on some reality from your recent past. Not surprisingly, then, people with whom you’ve recently interacted will often appear in your night-time adventures. It’s also worth noting that memories of those people can easily become mixed up in emotions associated with other events or ongoing stressors. And that’s what creates the confusion.
So your husband’s friend appearing in your dreams isn’t surprising, especially if you see him often or even talk about him often. And the attraction or lust you feel for him in those dreams could simply be a by-product of something else that’s going on, like you’re attracted to certain characteristics of his or you find him funny, or he just makes you feel good because he’s a nice person.
If this is the case, then the dreams you’re having about him may be merely a coincidence, which means you can ignore them.
As far as I can tell from the information you’ve provided, you’ve done nothing wrong — you haven’t cheated or been unfaithful — therefore your guilt is probably unwarranted, albeit understandable.
Alternatively — and given that you’ve emphasised having multiple dreams like this — you may want to use this as an opportunity to reflect on and review the status of your relationship. Take the time to really think about what’s good and bad within it.
While doing so, keep in mind that it’s perfectly normal in any relationship to have ups and downs, ebbs and flows.
And it’s also not unusual at some point, especially over the course of a long-term relationship, to have thoughts of being intimate with others.
However, the difference between successful and satisfied relationships compared with those that don’t survive is often in how people respond to these intrusive thoughts or imaginings.
Thoughts are just thoughts; if you don’t act, you can just let them drift away. Which they will often do if you give them the time to work their way out of your system.
That being said, if these thoughts and dreams continue to trouble you, or if your relationship review reveals any aspects of the partnership you’re not happy with, then you may need to do something more to work through these issues.
Most importantly, find a time to talk about them with your partner, or if that’s a little scary, perhaps a close friend or therapist. Good luck!
* Got a question for our panel? Email us at feedback @bodyandsoul.com.au