'Women who regret having kids aren’t narcissists'

OPINION: "I think your experience as a mum highly depends on two things: current mental health and resources." 

Like many of you, I’ve found parenting incredibly difficult.

When I had my first daughter back in 2010, I experienced severe postnatal depression, something common in Australia, where one in five women face PND.

While I love my kids dearly, I don’t love mothering. It’s hard every day.

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"I'm not ready to be a parent of a teen"

I’d assumed the mental and domestic load would decrease as they got older, but that hasn’t been the case. I recently confessed to a friend with older kids that, “I am not ready to be the parent of a 14-year-old-girl.”

She laughed and replied: “Yes. Nothing can prepare you for this. The kids get bigger, and their problems get bigger.”

When kids are young, parents worry about things like feeding and teething. As they grow, the stakes shift. Parents of teens face issues such as self-harm, suicidal thoughts, drug use, body dysmorphia, racial identity, extreme cyberbullying and school refusal. Mental health problems in our youth have skyrocketed since Covid.

Ten years ago, I wrote about my own parenting struggles and was met with harsh backlash, including hate mail from one man who called me a “selfish bitch.” He told me I “didn’t even deserve to have kids.” He then said he felt sorry for my kids (who are lovely, flourishing humans, by the way).

This kind of vitriol against mothers who express doubt about parenting is common, but it raises an interesting question: Why won’t society allow women to admit that parenting is hard, or even that they don’t enjoy it?

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Why do we make motherhood so difficult for women?

A major issue is that society needs people to have children in order to keep functioning. This is why politicians panic when fertility rates fall. An aging population, without enough children to replace, it means fewer taxpayers to fund healthcare and education. This also puts pressure on systems like health and aged care.

My question is: If we need women to have children, why do we make it so difficult for them?

A content creator I follow, Paige Connell, a working mother of four, expressed her frustration in a recent rant. She pointed out the hypocrisy of leaders encouraging women to have more children but failing to provide the basic support needed to raise them.

She highlights barriers like the lack of flexible work options, sick leave, and workplace protections for mothers.

“Have more babies, but don’t expect any help raising them,” Paige mocked. “You wanted this. Have more babies, but don’t complain. You chose this. Have more babies, but once they’re born, you're on your own.”

Paige’s words frame the issue well. While it’s easy to blame women who regret having children, the real problem is how society is failing them. Would these women regret having children if they weren’t burdened by so many challenges?

Gender inequality plays a significant role here. Data from the HILDA study shows that “Australian men are not doing any more housework than they were 20 years ago, and women are doing 50% more housework than men.”

Many mothers, particularly those with older children, are caught in the “sandwich generation,” caring for both aging parents and growing kids while often working full-time.

This pressure can lead to ‘coping’ mechanisms like unhealthy alcohol use. (Oh yes, I’ve been there!)

Among the emotional rants on the topic, one woman made an insightful point. She said:  “I 100% think your experience as a mother highly depends on two things: current mental health and resources.”

Correct. If we want women to have children—and not regret it—we need to ensure they are supported rather than left to struggle alone.

Ginger Gorman is a social justice journalist and author. Follow her on Bluesky here. Her upcoming book for Harper Collins is called, “Flying not Falling.”

Originally published as 'Women who regret having kids aren’t narcissists'