'They'd take photos if she wasn't eating salad and post it online'

"Eventually, she found it easier not to eat," a dad has exclusively told Kidspot about the 'salad shaming' that contributed to his daughter's eating disorder. 

"Dad, I can't believe it, I can eat here."

These are the words that left dad-of-four, John*, with a mix of relief and gratitude.

His teenage daughter, Sasha*, had just moved from a private girls’ school in the heart of Sydney, to a co-ed school in the country. 

There, she finally felt she was ‘allowed’ to eat at morning tea and lunch, without judgement from her classmates.

Want to join the family? Sign up to our Kidspot newsletter for more stories like this. 

Image: IStock

RELATED: My son was locked in a cabinet and urinated on

'Salad shaming' led Sasha to stop eating lunch

A couple of years prior when she was just 15 years old at her all-girls school, Sasha's friends started becoming obsessed with what they, and others, were eating. 

The teens would sit around in a circle and judge everyone’s food and if they weren’t eating salad, it became a bit of a joke.

This ‘salad shaming’, as it came to be known, insidiously affected Sasha’s relationship with food, John exclusively tells Kidspot. 

“If she was eating anything other than salad, her friends would make small comments or take Snapchats or photos and post it on social media and it would go around on online chats,” he explains. 

“She eventually found it easier not to eat,” he revealed - a devastating testament to just how influential Sasha’s friends were.

Soon enough, Sasha developed an eating disorder. And while John says the ‘salad shaming’ wasn’t the sole trigger for his daughter’s subsequent anorexia, it definitely played a part. 

There was a competitive aspect to it as well amongst her friends. A ‘who could eat the least’ type of thing.

At the time, the pandemic was also in full swing, and the isolation and anxiety that came with that only worsened Sasha’s already-negative relationship with her body and food.

RELATED: My kid was rejected from a Selective School and I’m ropable

"We took her to the GP then ended up in emergency"

It wasn't until late in the process, "probably when she started her recovery," that John and his wife, Maggie*, realised the gravity of their daughter's struggle.

Some signs had been there, but they were easily attributed to COVID. 

Her withdrawal from family life and her uncharacteristic moodiness were all masked by the chaos at the time. Plus, Sasha did a good job of hiding her weight loss and wore baggy clothes.

“We ended up taking her to the doctor because we were concerned about her mental health,” John says.

“As soon as we took her there, they told us she was in a bad way and the next minute we were in emergency and that started our two years in hospital.”

Using "our" to talk about their ordeal, John makes it clear that what lay ahead was a challenge the entire family would have to navigate together.

"Never come back here again"

Waiting rooms and hospital corridors became the backdrop of their lives as they navigated the relentless dance of their daughter’s anorexia. 

One minute she was in hospital, seemingly getting better and vowing to “never come back here again.”

The next, she was back home and starving herself.

“We were lulled into a false sense of security,” John recounts. “She learnt a lot from the kids in there so she got better at hiding it.”

“For the next months, there was this whole game of her pretending to eat and pretending to be recovered. It was like a revolving door. But every time she went to hospital she would get worse.

“In her mind, every time she was going there she was getting fat because she was eating, so when she came out, she had to lose the weight. We were losing hope and thought she was never going to recover.”

It soon became clear to John and Maggie that their daughter’s recovery meant more than just regaining weight - it was about rebuilding the self-esteem that had been lost over the years. 

“With anorexia, when you eat, the voices in your head are telling you that you’re not worthy… it becomes worse and worse,” he says.

A sea change was the beginning of a new chapter for Sasha

John wanted to help break that cycle and so bought a farm and moved his family to the country. 

The sea change marked the beginning of a new chapter for Sasha. “It was the best thing we ever did,” he says. 

The farm became a bit of a sanctuary, a place of connection and healing. John remembers Sasha “fell in love with the animals and didn’t want to be apart from them.” 

With time, the journey out of the city and out of the scrutinising eyes of the ‘cool girls’ meant that Sasha found her old self again. 

“She got healthier and happier and one thing led to another and she started to eat more.”

John’s voice brimmed with pride as he described her newfound energy for life. 

“She used to just sit with girls at school who would talk about people and what they ate, now she’s running around at lunch and playing footy…”

“She also couldn’t believe that she could eat foods like chocolate, and the boys wouldn’t bat an eyelid... they wouldn’t say anything.”

Now 18 months into her recovery, Sasha is now loving life. 

The Butterfly Foundation was a lifeline in the midst of their struggle

In the midst of their struggle, the family turned to organisations such as The Butterfly Foundation - a charity for Australians impacted by eating disorders and body image issues. 

In an era where schools are seeing more and more problematic behaviour around food and disordered eating, their role has become ever more crucial. 

Helen Bird, Butterfly’s Manager of Education explains, “We’re repeatedly hearing about teenage friendship groups not eating at school, as well as a surge in playground dieting and ‘healthy eating clubs’ at school which can fuel comparative behaviours amongst young people.”

So when John came across their website, he knew they would understand what Sasha was going through. 

“They helped us so much, Sasha spoke to counsellors and they were a great source of support when we needed it the most,” John says. 

"Give them unconditional love, all the time"

John shared his advice to parents navigating similar challenges with their children.

Firstly, “Get onto it ASAP. If you have any suspicions, don’t second guess yourself.”

Secondly, “Give them unconditional love, all the time.”

It might sound simple, but he didn't initially grasp the idea. 

“When you’re going through it, it’s so confrontational so you can get frustrated easily. We used to say to Sasha, ‘Look what you’re doing to this family’ because at dinner she’d be carrying on and the other kids would hate it. They would leave the table and eat in their bedrooms. 

“So I said you’re just destroying our family. But what we’ve learnt is that’s the worst thing you could say. She’s sitting there with really low self-esteem, and we just double downed on her and said she’s the problem and she caused all this. 

“We then learnt that she needs to know that it’s not her fault and we love her and we just have to support her through it. If we can show her that we are there the whole time, then she’ll find the will to beat the eating disorder and that’s what we think happened. 

“It’s so hard to live that though, when you’re at the height of it. But if they feel that you’re there, even if they’re putting you through a hell of a lot of pain, it will help them so much.

“It’s a beautiful thing on the other side and that’s what you’ve got to hold onto.”

Butterfly is calling on all educators to review their approaches to nutrition education and create positive body image environments at school with a call out to register for Butterfly’s Body Kind Schools program - Butterfly’s annual free awareness initiative in September, featuring new activities added for 2023 that focus on encouraging a positive relationship with eating and ensuring no young person goes hungry at school due to shame and concerns about their body.

Originally published as 'They'd take photos if she wasn't eating salad and post it online'