The risky business of being a teen in the digital age
WHILE sex, drugs, alcohol, parties and fast cars, are rightly worrying for parents, it’s the things you don’t see that may be of more concern. Teenage rebellion can look very different in the digital age, but parents can still stay one step ahead, experts say.
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WHEN it comes to parenting a teenager it’s the old sex, drugs and rock n roll imagery that commonly keeps mum and dad up long into the night. But experts warn that, while sex, drugs, alcohol, parties and fast cars, are rightly worrying for parents, it’s the things you don’t see that may be of more concern.
As your sweet little primary school kids slide into adolescence and the teen years, parents have been taught to expect the worst.
If we listen to the hype, we can expect teenagers to make poor decisions, put themselves in dangerous situations and follow their peers blindly into risky behaviour.
But not all teenagers will enter this phase. Experts say there is much parents can do to prevent their teens falling off the rails, or soften the blow when they see the danger signs.
“It’s true adolescents in general have an inability to predict the consequences of their actions,” says author Michael Carr-Gregg, whose book Surviving Adolescents 2.0 is released this week.
“And while not all adolescents will act in this way, by and large they are wired not to assess risk well. It’s all about brain development, the parts of the brain that help with good decision making and risk assessment has not fully developed in an adolescent.
“This immature adolescent brain, together with technology, has created a perfect storm.”
It’s easy to point the finger of blame at technology, but Carr-Gregg and many of his colleagues claim social media in particular has made parenting teens harder than it was a generation or two ago.
And while peer pressure has long been a precursor to risky behaviour, technology has created a generation seeking “digital Dutch courage” where teenagers are encouraged to act poorly because they have a smart phone pointed at them.
Carr-Gregg points to the various online challenges that have emerged over the years that encourage teens to take silly and often dangerous risks in the pursuit of online fame, or as Carr-Gregg calls is “their 15MB of fame.”
While some, like the Ice Bucket Challenge that asked those nominated to pour a bucket of iced water over their head in order to raise money for ALS, were fun and harmless, many were downright dangerous.
For example, the Tide Pod Challenge encouraged participants to swallow tablets of concentrated laundry detergent and post it on You Tube.
But possibly the worst is the Fire Challenge in which people were literally pouring flammable liquid on a part of their body and setting it on fire to see if they could withstand the heat.
“We are living in the Cult of Going Viral,” Carr-Gregg says. “So more than ever parents have to be vigilant and super monitors because we know adolescents take risks and don’t assess situations well.
“Technology has changed the face of adolescence and is really challenging parental support and their ability to monitor their children effectively.”
Rebellious behaviour in teens is all a part of growing up, says Marina Passalaris, founder and CEO of Beautiful Minds, which provides self-esteem and confidence education to pre-teens and teens.
“This group generally wants to push boundaries and be seen as adults and mature but they’re not there yet,” Passalaris says. “They are living on the border of childhood and adulthood and this imbalance creates a challenge for them.”
Through Beautiful Minds, Passalaris and her team of educators visit around 800 schools around Australia each year which puts them in contact with about 1.5 million children.
She says one of the biggest complaints they get from adolescents and teens is that their parents don’t hear them. And she says parents who put too much pressure and demands on their children could end up pushing them away and force them to take their behaviour underground.
“I’m all for parents setting boundaries but we do need to trust our children,” Passalaris says. “We need to give them the opportunity to prove we can trust them, that can be a powerful thing for a child/parent relationship.”
While this may seem easier said than done, Passalaris offers these strategies to help find a good balance between children and parents:
1. Don’t freak out in front of your child — this will only serve to stop any communication and push them away. Instead, put aside some time each week for a one-on-one activity of their choice and leave the mobile phones at home or in the car.
2. Remind them of the most important message — that you are not here to stop them for the sake of it, that you love them and that you want to protect them. It may help them understand where you are coming from if you tell them their behaviour scares you.
3. Seek professional help — for really rebellious behaviour, involve a professional and attend any counselling together with your child.
Michelle Mitchell, an author, speaker and parenting educator, says while most parents worry about things like drugs, sex and binge drinking, it’s the things they are not looking for that could prove more distressing.
Mitchell has been working on a new book around what she considers to be a modern day epidemic — self harm — and a new spin-off, digital self harm.
She says the 2015 Mental Health Child and Adolescent Report claimed about 10 per cent of young people self harmed — the act of deliberately injuring their body through cutting, burning and self battery.
But other research has put the figure as high as 24 per cent. A US study found around six per cent of 12 to 17-year-olds participated in digital self harm.
“Digital self harm, or cyber self-bullying is when a person goes online, creates an anonymous account and trolls themself,” explains Mitchell, the author of Parenting Teenage Girls In The Age Of A New Normal.
“They will literally post comments on their social media accounts saying things like “nobody likes you” or “you’re ugly”.
“It can be a way for the person to validate their self hatred, or to seek attention. And when you think about what the knock on effect of that can be, it’s hugely worrying because some people will agree with the nasty comments and add to the pain.”
Mitchell points to the case of Hannah Smith, a 14-year-old girl from the UK who committed suicide in 2013. Initially it was thought her death was the result of cyber-bullying but was later found to be have been caused by digital self harm.
Mitchell says risky behaviour in teens is a lot more psychological these days compared to past generations when it was predominantly physical.
* Surviving Adolescents 2.0 by Michael Carr-Gregg and Elly Robinson, Penguin Life, out July 16, $22.99.
TEENS SAY: IT’S ALL ABOUT EARNING PARENTS’ TRUST
LILY Heath says teenagers often get a bad wrap in society. But she says it’s the bad few who give the rest of them a bad name. While she says she has seen teens acting out, particularly when it comes to alcohol and partying, she and her friends — Gaby Caldwell, 15 and Ebony Carrero, 16 — know better than to risk their parent’s wrath by doing the wrong thing.
“I went through a stage where I wanted to go to parties and things like that and I talked to my parents and they set some ground rules,” Heath says. “It was things like I wouldn’t drink alcohol even if it was around, I wouldn’t get in a car with a P-plate driver, I wouldn’t go off alone and they would drop me off and pick me up.
“It’s all about trust, at first they had to learn to trust that me and my friends would do the right thing and follow their rules, and then I earned their trust.”
Heath says by earning doing the right thing has gained her more flexibility and greater freedom.
“I’m not going to ruin that trust my parents have in me because then it makes things hard for me,” she says.
LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF
LEARNING to care for yourself is the best lesson this generation of kids can get, parenting author Michelle Mitchell says. With their almost constant attachment to social media, she says teaching adolescents and teenagers ways to take a moment away from technology may seem overly-simplistic but is crucial in helping them from sliding into negative behaviour.
“Self care is massive with this generation of kids and how they think and feel about themselves,” Mitchell says.
“By having some self care strategies on hand, a child can learn to have greater resilience from nasty comments or when they encounter negative feelings.”
Mitchell says there are five main categories for self care and she encourages parents to help children compile a list of 10 activities they can do when they feel the need to have some screen-free time and stick it on the fridge:
1. Creative strategies: include story writing and journaling; painting and drawing; composing music or playing an instrument; learning a new skill like cooking; putting on makeup or styling your hair.
2. Soothing strategies: include taking a warm bath or shower, drinking hot milk; getting a massage; cuddling a teddy or blanket; lighting a scented candle.
3. Organising strategies: include sorting a wardrobe; cleaning bedroom; building something; finishing homework or assignments.
4. Social strategies: include phoning a friend; being with a friend; helping someone in need; going to a public place; playing with a pet.
5. Physical strategies: include riding a bike, swimming or going for a walk or run; dancing; making a loud noise; punching something; eating something with a strong taste.