'Sorry, but nobody is entitled to a night out without other people's children'

"Unless you’re in one of the very few spaces that are designated 'adults only', there shouldn’t be an expectation that you won’t find all kinds of members of the public there, including kids."

Image: Supplied

It’s just gone 7 pm, and I’m getting dirty looks from strangers in an Italian restaurant. 

Well, to be specific, it’s not just me getting the dirty looks. It’s also my two boys, just turned two and five months old, who have drawn some attention to themselves by doing exactly the activities that two-year-olds and five-month-olds revel in, at exactly the volume you would expect.

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The snide comments from strangers

If you’re a parent, you can imagine the scene: Wheels On The Bus is being sung, spaghetti is being shoveled into little mouths with only a rudimentary understanding of how a fork works and shark stickers are… everywhere. 

They’re not interrupting anyone in particular, and their chaos is confined to our table, but I can still feel the eyes on the back of my head as I’m trying to parent. 

Taking my kids out to places where other adults are gathered, often without their own kids, is something I do a lot. We live in the inner city, so our local pubs and restaurants aren’t particularly family-friendly.

It’s possible people seek them out for that very reason, but to us, they’re just what we’ve got within walking distance, so we make do. I sometimes get the impression that it isn’t a popular choice, but nobody has ever been brave enough to tell me off to my face, although we’ve had a couple of snide comments like “Isn’t it past your bedtime?” directed at my kids. 

Image: Supplied

But when comedian Arj Barker controversially ejected a mum and baby from his show last week, I was struck by the number of people who felt entitled to comment about the baby’s presence in the first place.

“If I had organised a babysitter and left my kids at home to go to that show,” a number of comments read, “I would have been FURIOUS to find someone else’s baby there.”

Don’t get me wrong. I have two (loud, boisterous, gorgeous, highly disruptive) kids under two and a half. I, of all people, appreciate a good night out without them.

Spending time without your kids, especially in the company of other adults, is a glorious chance to reclaim a little bit of who you were before your kids came along, which is to say, a person whose top artist on Spotify is someone other than The Wiggles.

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If you’ve managed to offload your kids for the day, or the evening, or - can you imagine - a whole weekend, I have nothing but respect for you. I hope you have a wonderful time. 

I hope you drink from a water glass that nobody has dropped a toy dinosaur into and do not have to whisper-scream “GENTLE HANDS WITH YOUR BROTHER!” a single time. I hope you can order a sophisticated, adult dish without anybody saying “What’s that? Can I have some? Is it spicy?”

I hope you do not need to resort to distracting any of your companions with an iPad. I hope you can go to the bathroom unaccompanied. I hope you do not have to use a single baby wipe for the entire meal. 

"Why do you expect no kids to be there?"

But I hope you don’t hold it against me that, right next to the lovely calm oasis you’ve created for yourself, my toddler is doing an enthusiastic rendition of “Wipers on the bus go swish swish swish” - because unless you’ve hired a babysitter for the whole restaurant, you haven’t paid for the right for an evening free from everyone else’s kids. 

You would think it goes without saying, but unless you’re in one of the very few spaces that are designated “adults only”, there shouldn’t be an expectation that you won’t find all kinds of members of the public there, including children. Whether or not you think it’s an appropriate place for those kids to be is, frankly, none of your business.

The range of acceptability in parenting is vast, and different kids handle the same situations differently. A place you have deliberately opted not to take your child - a restaurant, a pub, a show, a sports game - might be a place that someone else is perfectly comfortable taking theirs. And they are completely within their rights to do so. 

The good news is that if you find yourself unexpectedly faced with a stranger’s child in a space where you thought you might only find other adults, you aren’t obliged to do anything. You don’t have to engage with them.

You can let whatever they’re doing, however appropriate or inappropriate you deem it, roll off you like water off a duck’s back. They aren’t yours, and you don’t need to supervise them. You certainly don’t need to express your displeasure to the parents, who are just trying to get on with their evening.  

In fact, if you find yourself without your own kids, in a space where other people have theirs, I’d suggest you take a deep breath and savour the moment, and lean in to the most relaxing sound on Earth: the happy noise of a child who has absolutely nothing to do with you. 

Originally published as 'Sorry, but nobody is entitled to a night out without other people's children'