My husband made my traumatic birth a million times worse

"His attitude and absence were one thing; what he did to my sister that night was another," the Sydney mum writes.

Like many women, I have a traumatic birth story.

But not because my premature baby was born suddenly at 31 weeks, or that I had to be transferred to a hospital that could deliver him that early, or that he was sent straight to the NICU to be intubated upon delivery, or even that my parents had just fled overseas to bury my grandmother.

To me, those were examples of how life doesn't work out as you think it might; and I can say that because all was ultimately OK.

What never recovered, though, was my relationship with my husband after the birth of our son, because I was traumatised at my child's birth due to the way he behaved.

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My husband was the most traumatic aspect of giving birth. Source: iStock

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"I went into labour at 3am"

We're not really sure why it happened, but I dropped my parents at the airport that morning and came home and vomited for an hour. I called my sister, who'd had a very traumatic birth herself, and she immediately contacted my obstetrician, who advised me to go to the hospital.

Doing a number of tests on the baby and myself, I was admitted overnight. At 3am, my kid decided it was time to be dramatic, and I went into labour.

The private hospital I was in didn't have the equipment to handle a baby that early and so, I was rushed with sirens blaring by ambulance to a large public hospital, where my obstetrician performed an emergency C-section immediately.

So, how did my husband traumatise me that night?

"He was completely uncontactable"

Firstly, my husband of five years refused to stay at the private hospital when I was admitted in the afternoon.

"I'm never going to get any sleep," he told me, as I was hooked up to all sorts of things, nervously wondering about the tests, hoping to God the baby was going to be OK.

I asked him to stay, and he still went home. I was scared and needed support.

But he didn't just go home... he left his phone charging in his den, then went upstairs to our bedroom, which didn't have a landline, closed the door, and went to sleep. 

Later, he didn't understand the problem. "You were OK at the hospital when I left," he said, confused as to why I felt abandoned and utterly let down.

He should never have left.

When my waters broke at 3am, I called and called and called him, not knowing he was completely uncontactable. I then called my sister,  who said she'd head over to our house and told me not to worry.

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"He was resolutely unmoved at the birth"

My sister somehow managed to get my husband there at the moment the ambulance doors opened at the other hospital. There was no time to be angry; I was prepped for a C-section and was a new mum within 20 minutes.

My husband was resolutely unmoved; there was not one gesture or moment of comfort. Not before, or during, or even when I only got to hold my son for a fleeting moment because his tiny lungs weren't strong enough for him to breathe.

Although we later discussed what had happened that night, and why my husband was totally MIA, I didn't get the full truth until my sister finally told me what happened. She had gone to my home, banged loudly on the door to wake my husband, then had to let herself in with her key, and banged on the bedroom door, to get my husband's attention.

Thinking of her having to do that - working so hard so that my husband wouldn't miss the birth of his child, and I wouldn't be alone - when he just didn't even care, still breaks my heart years later. She was terrified for me, and the baby, and it was just such an unfair position for her to be in.

Yes, the birth was traumatic; my head was spinning by how quickly everything whizzed out of control as my son was being born when I didn't expect it. But my husband's behaviour made that traumatic event just so much worse.

"I don't know why he was like that"

I didn't understand why my husband behaved the way he did, at the time, and it hurt.

In the years since, I recognise there's a pattern to his behaviour - of always deflecting attention from me, back to himself. I guess you could call him a narcissist.

Narcissists have such low self-esteem that they think they're not needed. But it was more than that; my husband, who'd taken and taken from me for years, wasn't capable of giving back at crucial times.

He was just a selfish person and an even more selfish dad.

With 1 in 3 women identifying their birth as traumatic, there is much work to be done in the prevention and treatment of birth trauma in Australia. This week is Birth Trauma Awareness Week, learn how you can help here. 

Originally published as My husband made my traumatic birth a million times worse