My ex-wife is banning our daughter from using this one word

"Get mediation involved immediately," someone urged.

Jason* met his current partner, now his wife, 18 months ago, and the pair got married a couple of months ago, around 12 months after getting engaged.

"We moved in together around six months after initially meeting and made sure to integrate my six-year-old daughter into the process to make sure she felt able to discuss any concerns and feel included," the dad explained to a Mumsnet forum.

His daughter stays with them three nights per week and, according to her, is "very happy" with the arrangement.

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"She has attempted to control how we live"

However, the dad's ex-partner and mother to his daughter has expressed continual disapproval of Jason and his new relationship. 

"On numerous occasions, she has attempted to control how we live in our house," the dad said, before listing various ways in which she does so.

"Commenting on where we do our shopping, dictating routines in our house, insisting I don’t choose clothes for my daughter to wear, involving my daughter in communications to me, for example: 'tell Daddy he never returns the right clothes', constant judgemental behaviour and constant messaging even after telling her I don’t want us to message each other other than on handover days or in an emergency and insisting that my wife doesn’t kiss my daughter."

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Now, she is requesting that they don't use the term 'step mum' or any other variant of the term, such as 'bonus mum' or 'extra mum', or anything that implies the use of the word mum.

Jason claims that he and his wife have never pressured his daughter to use any of these terms and, at all points, explained she can call her whatever she feels most comfortable with.

It's actually his daughter who wants to use the term 'step mum' because she has friends who also have step-parents, so Jason has allowed it.

He said: "Her mum is insistent that this is forbidden and even told my daughter, 'Just because Daddy and XXX are married doesn’t mean that she is your step mum,' and offered no explanation to her.

"My daughter came to me to discuss this and was clearly confused and upset, and now is of the opinion that my wife isn’t actually part of the family but just a 'friend' of mine.

"I have emphasised with her and tried to reassure her that nobody is trying to (or ever could) replace her as the mother of our daughter."

Image: IStock

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"You need to set boundaries"

The dad said he was looking for opinions as "my wife is legally my daughter's step mum, so I don’t feel she has any right to contest anything here regardless of whether she likes it or not."

And commenters tended to agree with him. 

"Ask her to stop passing messages through your daughter. Stop contacting her by phone or having conversations with her, use an app to communicate about your daughter. Of course, your daughter can use step-mum if she wants," said one.

Another emphasised that boundaries needed to be put in place.

"Get a mediator so you can agree on a parenting plan and lines of communication that work for all," they said. "My view is that when people start with pretty unreasonable things like 'forbidding' a six-year-old in doing something then she's only going to get worse. You're not the good guy to her, so nothing you can do will get it better on its own. So get some professional help and get this on a even keel."

"All her requests are entirely unreasonable, and I can't see your ex changing without third-party help," a different woman agreed. 

Relationship "moved very quickly"

However, others pointed out the complexity of the situation, saying that Jason's hastiness in forming a relationship could be cause for concern for his ex.

"Hmm, you do seem to have moved very fast in this relationship, especially considering a 6yo is involved," pointed out one person.

"The step mum thing is ridiculous of course, your wife is step mum and your ex doesn't get to decide what your daughter calls anyone, but I suspect some of the other stuff is not as unreasonable as you'd like to paint it, and it's understandable that your daughter's mother has some real concerns about the whole situation, as well as being a difficult this for her to navigate emotionally," said another member.

Another added: "Your new relationship moved quickly, engaged, moving in now married and it’s still only 18 months. I can understand your ex’s concerns. I wouldn’t be thrilled, but it’s not up to your ex."

"As a mum, I wouldn’t dream of introducing a bloke for several years. And you only have your daughter part time so really didn’t need to. I think you inappropriately involved a child in your adult relationship," concluded somebody else. 

Originally published as My ex-wife is banning our daughter from using this one word