I'm a selfish mum and I know you want to be one, too

"Since when did neglecting ourselves become the gold standard of motherhood?"

When you become a mum, your priorities shift. Your kids and family come above your own needs. But what if you occasionally change the order... does that make you selfish? 

If so, then I am totally a selfish mum - one who does not devote every second of every day to her children. 

Every now and then - but on a regular basis - I carve out time for doing something that is not directly for my three boys. We've been conditioned to think that it's selfish, neglectful, for a mum to do that.

But when you stop to think about it, being a 'selfish mum' makes you a better mum.

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"I'm a 'selfish mum' #sorrynotsorry"

This week I came across Alexandra Kay on Insta; she's a proud 'selfish mum'. Her latest video stopped my mind-numbing scrolling and grabbed my attention.

In it, she jumps on the 'I'm an X, so of course I do X' trend to confess her so-called selfish behaviour.

"I'm a selfish mum, I'm going to stop exclusively pumping and give my son formula for my mental health," she says.

"I'm a selfish mum; sometimes I'm going to get a babysitter and go on a walk by myself." 

"I'm a selfish mum; I'm not going to take my son to that play date because I have therapy that day."

"I'm a selfish mum; if I were on a plane and the oxygen mask dropped, I'm going to put it on myself before I put it on my kids."

That last one was the lightbulb for me...

There it was: you have to take care of yourself to take care of your kids. Those 'selfish' acts are akin to the oxygen mask scenario. 

I once read somewhere that a flight attendant said after an emergency: "Thank you for putting on your own mask first as instructed. Because by the time you’d have your kid's masks on, you’d be passed out, and they (most likely) wouldn’t put yours on. That means more unconscious bodies for me to drag out after we land." 

Why is this trend called 'selfish mum' instead of self-care mum? Source: influencer Alexandra Kay and writer Jordana/Instagram

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Why do we not apply this safety announcement to our everyday life? 

How did looking after our basic needs as women become weaponised against us as soon as we give birth? Can someone please explain how we are supposed to give everything of ourselves to others, if there's nothing left of us when we do? There is something very wrong here.

This is not me playing the victim or wishing my three kids away. This is me (on behalf of all the empty-bucket mums) wondering how we are supposed to be good human beings without making time for ourselves. Just because you have a child doesn't mean you stop being a human, and you and your husband should take a back seat.

Self-care, like taking a shower, going to the bathroom or going for a walk alone, shouldn’t be viewed as a luxury just because you’re a mum! It’s a cliche, but you can’t pour from an empty cup! To be labelled selfish for having some time out, going to therapy, doing some exercise, or even just sitting and scrolling - even if it is on the toilet (multitasking at its best) - shouldn't result in guilt or shame!

It's time for me (and you!)

It's ironic. If we prioritise ourselves, we neglect our kids, but neglecting ourselves is the gold standard. Not anymore. 

Let's collectively decide to stop it. 

"We live in an age of overparenting—we treat it as an Olympic sport," says Samantha Ettus, best-selling author of The Pie Life: A Guilt-Free Recipe For Success and Satisfaction and a mum of three.

"We're confusing the amount of time we spend with our kids with the quality of our parenting. The quality of your relationship with your child isn't directly correlated to the time you spend with them." And once you accept that, she says, it's easier to figure out what you need to be your best parent.

There is no one definition of what self-care is up to the individual; for me, it's a regular girls' dinner, working out at least twice a week, and one that I have been neglecting - keeping up with my medical appointments. 

Here are some tips for those of us who aspire to be 'selfish mums':

1.  First, let's call it 'self-care mum' - it sheds you of any guilt 
2.  Carve out time for yourself and keep it. It then becomes a habit rather than a chore. 
3. Pick a self-care sponsor, another mum who will keep you accountable, and you can do the same for her.
4.  Build a support network to help ensure your self-care doesn't become a one-off.
5.  Start small, even if it's five minutes each day, whatever it is - build from there.

If we all agree to be a 'selfish mum', it's no longer being selfish; it's just being a mum; everyone wins. Having a happier, more patient mum is better for everyone.

And my kids will see that joy and fun are essential parts of life.

Originally published as I'm a selfish mum and I know you want to be one, too