‘I’m a fertility doctor and this is how NOT to tell a woman she’s miscarrying’

A doctor’s TikTok about miscarriage has gone viral with hundreds of women sharing the devastating moment they found out their baby didn’t have a heartbeat.

One in four women have experienced a miscarriage.

Sadly, it’s possible that the same number of women have experienced the terrible bedside manner of the doctor or ultrasound technician who informed them there’s no heartbeat.

In that vulnerable moment, all you need is a bit of empathy, someone to deliver the message gently and kindly.

But sometimes you get an ultrasound technician who runs out of the room in silence, or a doctor who’s in a rush and has no time for all your feelings.

Dr Lora Shahine is a fertility doctor, and she’s shared a viral video outlining what NOT to say to a woman when you’ve realised she’s having a miscarriage.

“This is a life changing moment for the patient,” she captioned the video.

“We can do so much GOOD in this moment – support and compassion are key.”

Dr Shahine first shared what not to do – the cold bedside manner, the detached delivery –  and then gave a script suggesting a better way to deliver the sad news.

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Fertility doctor recommends how to tell woman about miscarriage

Dr Shahine role-plays an exchange between a woman and a doctor, acting out both parts.

“Ummm, there’s no heartbeat,” Dr Shahine says in a flat voice in the what-not-to-do part of the video.

“I’m sorry, what?” she responds, now playing the part of the patient. “The ultrasonographer just left and didn’t say anything.”

“Ya, they’re not allowed to say anything. They wait and have the doctors come in and give the news,” she replies as the doctor.

In the caption, Dr Shahine explains how this method lacks empathy. Even though the doctor says “sorry”, she’s clearly in a rush.

“I’m going to give this information to your doctor and they’ll talk about it more. OK? Take care.”

Dr Shahine pauses the roleplay to say, “Not OK. Let’s do better. How about this?”

In the new roleplay, she points out that the empathetic approach “takes the same amount of time but helps the patient so much more”.

She introduces herself to the woman and says, “I have some tough news to share. The ultrasound did not show a heartbeat.”

“I know, it’s so hard. This is not your fault, you did nothing wrong, and we’re going to take really good care of you.”

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Women share miscarriage stories

The comments were full of women sharing their own stories of how they found out they lost their babies.

“My OB wasn’t even there. The tech said no heartbeat. I was ordered to put my clothes on then was forgotten in a room to cry alone,” one woman said.

“Blighted ovum,” said another. “The silence was deafening.”

“Sobbing, wishing this was how mine was handled when I lost my baby at 11 weeks,” a third person wrote. “I was told, ‘Well if you wanna dig through those clots…’”

“Thank you for sharing this. I suffered this nine times and never got my rainbow baby,” a fourth woman said.

Originally published as ‘I’m a fertility doctor and this is how NOT to tell a woman she’s miscarrying’