If your kids are in childcare, you can’t call yourself a SAHM

"Why do you have a $1200 childcare bill if you're a SAHM?"

“Don't have kids if you can't raise them!” is the comment from one man under a recent video of mine.

It started as a bit of fun with me donning a pink fur coat and dishing out a handful of $20 notes; to mock the sentiment SAHMs often hear - that we're gold-diggers, because they "don't work".

The clip shows me splashing cash... on things like electricity, groceries and childcare. Not really extravagances.

I had a blast filming it - but not everyone was amused.

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What was meant to make a point about how SAHMs are doing so much more than "spending their husband's cash" quickly dissolved into hundreds of comments about the value of mums who don't earn a monetary income.

"Can a SAHM really call themselves that if their kids are in childcare? What's she doing with her time, then, if not being a mum full-time?" one questioned.

"Why do you have a $1200 childcare bill if you're a SAHM?" asked another.

Then, there was this query, which I did not see coming: "Don't you think SAHMs should let working mums have childcare positions, first?"

Now that's a can of worms.

The funny thing is, I'm not even a SAHM - I have my own business and work full time - I just had something to say in defence of a way of doing motherhood that might be different to others.

But it was obviously triggering.

Emma Kenney 'splurging' on daycare. Image: Supplied

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"You don't know her situation"

Then, unexpectedly, my hero - this guy - brought some reason to the debate, writing: 

"You don’t know her situation, she might have multiple kids, or only send them one or two days."

Another noted that being a SAHM with kids in childcare is the same as sending them to their grandparents -it's still kid-free time.

My reaction to the debate is this: I'd argue that if your kids are supposed to be in your care 24/7 in order to call yourself a parent then none of us are.

Where is the boundary? When they are on camp, or at school, are you still a mum?

Other viewers of my clip saw things that way, too.

"So what if she uses daycare?" one wrote. "If that’s what’s best for your family and you can afford it then good for you."

I am totally doing what's best for my family at different ages and phases.  When I had a toddler and a newborn, my toddler still went to childcare so he could keep his place and I could be with my baby.

It is the same reason some send their kids to grandparents. Motherhood takes a village!

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"I'd expect you to go back to work"

Another comment I found totally wild said that depending on the kids' ages, the mum should "return to work."

That of course overlooks the fact that stay-at-home mums work the equivalent of three full time jobs, and that breastfeeding a newborn alone takes about 40 hours a week.

But the judgey feedback didn't stop there, with one mum accusing me of being weak because I don't "work on the mines six days a week."

Well, we will never know if that's true or not. But I do know that motherhood isn't six days on/six days off.

For the mums I was thinking of, accused of being "gold diggers", it would be so very hard without help - including childcare.

The reality is, if you don't have a village and society shames you away from childcare, you’re on your own.

To me, childcare, or some support so the kids aren't always with you, is a necessity, whether we’re working two jobs, one or none.

Every mum or primary caregiver needs a break and support, and they shouldn’t be shamed for seeking it.

Emma Kenney and her business Angus the Label is also on Instagram.

Originally published as If your kids are in childcare, you can’t call yourself a SAHM