Em Rusciano gets to the bottom of a mum acting shady at swimming lessons

WHEN Em Rusciano noticed another mum acting shady at swimming lessons, she decided to give her a reality check.

Em Rusciano with her daughter, who she definitely doesn’t have to spend every minute watching at swimming lessons.

I WAS sitting at my kid’s swimming lesson, sweating from places no human should, when I noticed a mother huddled over her handbag. She caught my attention because lady was looking shady AF, like she was doing something super dodgy, so naturally I was curious to know what it was.

I watched for a few minutes more as she fossicked around in her bag, then nervously look at the pool and then back to her bag again. I let this go on for a few minutes more, then couldn’t help but ask, “what are you doing?!”

She blinked at me, perhaps thinking she’d hallucinated my question due to the humidity and strong chlorine fumes (to kill all the urine in the pool no doubt) surrounding us. She also seemed unsure of how to answer.

“What have you got in there?! Are you counting your bags of coke before the drop tonight?” I joked.

Then I panicked. Oh GOD what if she WAS a drug dealer?! We were at a private school, the car park was full of expensive European cars, maybe THAT’S how they afford all that Lululemon gym gear?! As I pondered the possibility that the woman sitting in front of me with her immaculate bob, pristine white Converse and cream Country Road cable knit was in fact a suburban drug baron she blurted out:

“Oh God he didn’t see me did he? If you saw me then he probably did.”

“Saw you do what?!”

I look around, half expecting to see a shady looking man in a long leather coat and ill fitting boot legged jeans. (It’s 2016 y’all, never trust a man in boot legged jeans.)

“I’ve got to finish sending some work emails but Tom hates it when I’m on my phone during his lesson. He likes me to watch him. I feel so bad but I need to finish this work.”

Yes. She was secretly sending work emails inside her handbag, to avoid the wrath of her seven-year-old son.

First up: Relax Tom. Second up: Is this a thing? Is there an unwritten rule that says we must have our eyes on our spawn at all times or they will feel unloved and unwanted?

I reckon 90 per cent of parenting is listening to you kids say “watch this” over and over and over again x infinity. The other 10 per cent is mastering how to open a packet of chips in the kitchen without being heard.

Their entire lives my children have demanded that I observe them do everything from drawing a circle to doing a poo. I’ve spent a ridiculous amount of time watching some really unimpressive sh*t! Literally.

I have also seen some spectacular triumphs but trust me there are more crappy “watch me” demands than magnificent in the daily life of a parent. I feel like the balance is well and truly in my favour, it never even occurred to me to feel bad for not paying attention during swimming lessons.

I enjoy watching my kid get in the pool, I love the how much joy she gets from being in the water. I feel a wave of pride wash over me as I watch her swim the first few laps and can see how much she’s improving. I smile and give her a wave when she looks up and catches my eye.

But then I will get my book/iPhone/knitting out and use that time for myself. Because someone else is with her. This isn’t my watch! My shift is every other friggen hour she’s with me. Let her swimming teacher cop it for 30 minutes.

Parents, DO NOT feel guilty about not physically seeing every, single, fecking thing your kids do. Especially something as mundane as swimming lessons. Maybe if Tom took up archery or bull fighting he’d be in with a shot of earning our attention but watching kids blow bubbles and suck in half the pool along with rogue bandaids and stray pubes isn’t exactly a party.

We also need to teach them to do things for themselves, just for the joy they get, to not look for external validation every time they fart.

I smiled at potential drug lord Mum and told her that she shouldn’t feel bad, that the work she was doing was probably paying for Tom’s lesson and that she was well within her rights to get her iPad out and wave it around in public without shame. I looked over at precious Tom and he was pulling his speedos waaaaaay up his ar*e, diving under the water and doing “moon stands” as we used to call them.

Ha, good one Tom. Good one. Now cut your Mother some slack you adorable little monster.

Em Rusciano is a comedian, writer, singer and regular news.com.au columnist. You can follow her on Facebook.

Originally published as Em Rusciano gets to the bottom of a mum acting shady at swimming lessons