Dr Justin Coulson: What is the purpose of parenting?
ALL parents face challenges when it comes to raising their children. Dr Justin Coulson believes having a definite purpose to parenting will help you navigate the difficult times.
Parenting
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LATELY I’ve been reflecting on the challenges of being a parent.
Parents struggle with children’s attitude, lack of motivation, ingratitude, unkindness and disrespect. In my daily conversations with parents I consistently hear variations on the idea that it’s tough to raise kids.
“This is so hard! Why are they such a pain? Why won’t they just listen to what I say?”
Yes, parenting is tough. So why do we do it? Many might quickly say biology; we’re built this way, hardwired to desire children. Others might call it social conditioning; that we have a learnt desire for children because of longstanding social influences. But neither of these ideas speaks to the purpose of parenting.
A short while ago I asked parents on my Facebook page what they think is the “purpose of being a parent”. Where I usually get loads of comments, likes and shares on my Facebook page, this time I was met with silence. No one answered. It seems we don’t really think so much about the “point” of parenting. It’s just what we do. Does this mean we parent without purpose? Do we simply parent because we’re parents? In some cases, perhaps.
Every parent swears they love their kids like mad. We want to do the best. But what is the best? I suspect many of us (most of us!) don’t possess a well-thought-out and cohesive foundation to what we do.
This approach means that, while some people go overboard trying to do it all to raise the best kids possible, some are likely to just “do what it takes” to get the job done. If our parenting lacks tangible, thought-out purpose (or something vague such as “raise the best kids I can”) we may not be willing to do the hard work, or even know what work to do to get it done well.
And if there’s no real purpose or the purpose seems too big or vague, we may chafe when the going gets tough. We might become easily frustrated or angry when our children challenge us and life feels uncomfortable.
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Raising responsible kids isn’t easy. But I’m not sure where we got the idea child-rearing should be easy. Or that life should be easy for that matter.
Harvard psychologist Susan David said: “Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life.”
For me, the “why” of parenting is to raise children who are courageous and kind, strong and caring. There’s a second reason — parenting is to teach me to be a better person: more compassionate, understanding and generous.
I also believe our purpose is to provide children with all they need to effectively parent themselves. We need to raise them to know their own values, so they can rely on themselves to make good decisions, avoid emotional pitfalls and bolster their own wellbeing. The purpose of being a parent is to one day make yourself obsolete.
Parenting educator and author Michael Grose calls this “making ourselves redundant”. And that’s a good thing.
Without a doubt, achieving those purposes takes work. It takes resolve. Here are two ideas to help you choose the purposeful (but sometimes painful) path.
Do the time: The reality is children need our focus. They need us to invest in them. They need us to switch off the mobile phone, the TV and our agenda. They need us to drop the dogmatic way we push them to live up to our expectations.
And we need to embrace these things so we can become less selfish, more refined and better guides. It’s our job to pause, listen, engage, understand (in our hearts as well as our heads), and be there as a wise and patient guide.
See the challenges as opportunities: When it gets hard (and it will), we have the opportunity to reconsider our thinking. Rather than being upset at the challenges our kids present, we can see them as opportunities for personal growth for us, and a stronger connection with our kids.
As we navigate the tricky times in our kids’ lives, we have the chance to teach them how to make better decisions in the future.
We have the opportunity to be thoughtful and practice patience as we are spending time with our kids, connecting and growing.
These “hard” times can quickly become the best times for your family — the times that unite you and make you stronger; the times you look back on with fondness, even if you found them trying at the time.
So, what is it for you? Why do you parent? Tapping into your purpose will help you be a better person, and raise a better child.