Dear Husband, you aren't my assistant. You're my co-worker

"You aren’t the primary caregiver, but we're still both parents. There's no hierarchy in this 'organisation'. You don't need instructions from me." 

Picture this: you have a test coming up, you study,  you write notes, and you know the material inside and out. You have a study partner who just sits beside you. Come test day, instead of recalling from memory, they simply lean over and copy your answers. That is my current dynamic at home. 

My husband is not always there, but he’s not a 1950s husband; he’s there enough and is hands-on when he is. But somehow, he still has to copy off me or annoyingly asks me what he should do before doing what needs to be done. 

It's so frustrating.

When kids are little, there’s so much they can’t do alone. They need a grown-up to fill their sippy cups. They can’t quite reach the cereal boxes in the cupboard by themselves. They need someone to put toothpaste on their toothbrush the “right” way (apparently, there’s a wrong way).

But they have to wait for their needs to be met because my husband is waiting for my instructions on what to do and how.

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Why don't you know what I know?

It’s not for a lack of intelligence. On “paper”, my husband is smarter than I am. Yet, I have to be the keeper of all things: the mental load, dietary needs, comings and goings, daily schedules, and the weather (I swear every day he asks me what the weather is or will be - and yes, he’s holding his phone in his hand). 

It could be the length of the school holidays has finally gotten to me, but as a working mum with three young kids, I currently have a short fuse. His endless questions and queries have tipped me over the edge. 

Husband: What does M have on his sandwich?

Me: Only vegemite, no butter.

Husband: Can they have this nutbar? 

Me: NO, there’s nuts. No nuts at school/camp!  

Husband: What time does N have to be up?

Me: In 30 minutes (same as yesterday).

Husband: What’s the weather tomorrow?

Me: Check your phone. I’ve never once professed to be interested in the weather.

I seriously said that after weeks of being asked about the weather. I have never been a weather person in my whole career but somehow I'm supposed to know the weather. JFGI - seriously.

A very rare moment, all three behaving at bedtime. Source: supplied

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You are my co-worker - we are meant to be a team

I blurted out, "Just because you aren’t the primary parent doesn’t mean you’re my assistant. You are my co-worker, my equal."

OK, that was to the mirror when I was alone, but I finally realised the problem once I articulated it. We are partners. There’s no hierarchy in this “organisation”.

As an assistant, you rely on your superior to give instructions (a good one will want to go above and beyond, but indulge me). Meanwhile, a co-worker knows what’s needed and sees themselves. Please don’t wait for my instructions. Take the initiative and know the task at hand because I’m tired of giving instructions. I have three kids, not four. I am the one in charge of the kids' every need, simply because I’m more available during the day.

Yes, my husband works long hours, and I’m grateful to him for that. But I hate that I hold all the cards.

I have two small hands. 

Me with my three boys - I know their every like & dislike at the drop of a hat. Source: supplied

Time for a promotion 

So, how do I promote my husband from assistant to co-worker? 

I have had the opportunity to speak with the wise Maggie Dent. I told her I wouldn’t let her off the phone until she agreed to move in with us until my boys were ready to fly the coup. Sadly, she had to get on a plane. 

What I learned is that men aren’t mean; they are forgetful. They don’t take on the mental load like women do because they aren’t wired that way.  

So here’s what I will do: write lists and laminate them so my husband has notes. After all, he loves to learn; this way, he has a reference document rather than using me as the encyclopedia. 

I also have to realise that if you’re holding onto the cards so tightly, no one will take one, for fear that you will drop all of them. Another little gem from Maggie: don’t expect your partner to do it the same as you - it will only lead to disappointment. Just take the win that he is doing it. 

Letting go is hard, but burnout is more problematic. 

Dear husband - this is your official promotion to co-worker - welcome aboard. It’s great to have you on our team.

Originally published as Dear Husband, you aren't my assistant. You're my co-worker