Ask Dr Justin: How to handle your child’s temper tantrums
KIDS tantrums are a fact of life, but just how you handle them could be the difference between raising a happy child or an anxious one, Australia’s number one parenting writer Dr Justin Coulson writes.
Parenting
Don't miss out on the headlines from Parenting. Followed categories will be added to My News.
EVERY parent has those days — when your child has refused to get ready for school, thrown food at his brother and stomped on the dog’s tail.
When days like that happen, and they do, we can get so angry we lash out.
With smacking now seen as less acceptable, the lashing out often takes the form of yelling.
Author Astrid Lindgren, who wrote the popular Pippi Longstocking books, once said: “When I was about 20 years old, I met an old pastor’s wife who told me that when she was young and had her first child, she didn’t believe in striking children, although spanking kids with a switch pulled from a tree was standard practise at the time.
“But one day when her son was four or five, he did something that she felt warranted a spanking — the first of his life.
And she told him that he would have to go outside and find a switch for her to hit him with. The boy was gone a long time. And when he came back in, he was crying.
He said to her, ‘Mama, I couldn’t find a switch but here’s a rock that you can throw at me.’
“Suddenly the mother understood how the situation felt from a child’s point of view: that if my mother wants to hurt me, it makes no difference what she does it with.
And the mother took the boy onto her lap and they both cried.
Then she laid the rock on the shelf in the kitchen to remind herself forever: never violence. And that is something I think everyone should keep in mind because violence begins in the nursery — one can raise children into violence.”
Most of us don’t send our children outside for a switch any more.
But are we using rocks instead? Are we hurling verbal “stones” at our children?
Parents who don’t smack their kids typically use other negative tools to discipline or punish; things like time out and counting to three, and when those strategies don’t work — yelling.
Positive Parenting Solutions founder Amy McCready says: “I can tell you, without question, that screaming is the new spanking.”
Researchers believe yelling at your kids can be just as bad as smacking.
Children raised in a home where yelling is common have a higher risk of psychological issues.
And when parents use yelling as a way to correct and discipline, kids have an increased risk of behavioural problems, anxiety, stress and depression, as well as lower self-esteem.
As parents, we don’t want to yell. So how do we turn the anger around? First, when our kids are really getting under our skin, instead of getting furious, we should get curious.
Our children don’t wake up in the morning and think, “How can I make life horrible for my parents?”
They might be having a hard time.
We need to work out what needs aren’t being met and help meet them.
Second, use humour! Humour is one of the best ways to take away anger.
A good friend of mine was teaching his daughter to drive.
The whole family was in the car when she missed a corner and ended up crashing into a petrol station sign. My friend looked at his daughter and at his family and said: “Well, while we’re here, does anyone need to use the bathroom?”
By using humour, my friend released the tension in the situation.
Then they could calmly talk about what had happened and how to resolve it.
Third, when I’m starting to get upset there’s a mantra that I use: “I’m going to be calm and kind.”
When we repeat this phrase, it reminds us of what we want, and helps us better regulate our own emotions.
Fourth, pretend that you’re “Aunt Mary”. Aunt Mary never gets cranky at the kids. She always finds a way to be kind, even with the challenging child.
We don’t want to hurt our children, and we definitely don’t want to throw verbal “stones”. When we are calm and kind, we will be able to keep anger and yelling out of our home.
Better for our kids and for us.