‘Pretty nasty’: Australian family reveal how they helped dad through mental health struggle

Denis Gillies was quick to become short tempered and controlling during a rough patch, but his wife knew drastic action was needed to stop him from staying an “angry, old man”.

By his own admission Denis Gillies was not coping as well as he thought he was.

Things at home were pretty bad, according to his wife Jennene, who had come to the conclusion her husband had turned into an “angry, old man”.

As well as the derogatory remarks and being short tempered with the children, she had noticed he was drinking too much.

He was also becoming controlling around how much money she was spending.

Morgan Gillies, with his dad Denis Gillies, say there's more harmony in the home now that dad Denis has learnt to open up and share his feelings in a men's group. Picture: Richard Dobson

“It was getting pretty nasty at home,” Ms Gillies, 52, who works in child protection, said. “He was saying derogatory things, hurtful things every day.

“I was wondering how long I could stay in this marriage?”

He hadn’t always acted that way, but his behaviour changed during Covid when he had to work from home, resulting in the loss of his social connections.

“I thought I was doing OK, but looking back I wasn’t doing quite as well as I thought,” Mr Gillies, 58, who works in IT said.

Like many men of his generation, he did not want to go to a mental health professional.

In desperation, his wife found a men’s support group called The Men’s Table, where groups of between eight and 12 men meet to have dinner, a drink and a chat.

It’s billed as a safe, confidential, non-judgemental space where men can open up and speak freely about what is worrying them.

There are currently 1500 men attending tables across every state in the country, with more groups opening up every week. Members range in age from 18 to 93 and people chat about the ups and downs of life.

Mr Gillies agreed to go and after a while he felt confident enough to talk about what was going on with him.

The group has helped Denis become a good role model for his son, and a good example of healthy masculinity. Picture: Richard Dobson

It was a relief, and he said being able to speak about his concerns made his home life a lot “happier and a lot more relaxed”.

Ms Gillies put it more strongly.

“It’s been life changing,” she said.

Not only has their relationship improved, Ms Gillies said her husband has become a good role model for their son Morgan, 18, who seeks his advice when things are worrying him.

Co-founder of The Men’s Table David Pointon said the group helps to break the stigma that “men don’t talk” and indirectly it promotes “healthy masculinity”.

A survey of members and their partners found a third of all women saw healthier perceptions and expressions of masculinity in their men as a result of The Men’s Table.

That increased to 46 per cent when a man had been attending for more than a year.

More than half of men said they were learning and seeing healthy masculinities at meet ups.

That improved to 62 per cent for those who had been going for more than 12 months.

Unhealthy male gender stereotypes can lead to violence against women, according to domestic violence groups.

Mr Pointon said outdated stereotypes hold men back.

“I want fellas to know, it’s OK to show up as yourself with your tears and your muscles,” Mr Pointon said.

“You don’t have to be a hard nut to be a good man.”

“What we do is old-fashioned.

“It’s returning to the power of in person connection.”

For more information, go to themenstable.org.