Dear Melissa: Ask your burning relationship questions

Discovering you’re about to have a child can be thrilling, but if your partner isn’t fully on-board, this time can become challenging. Expert Melissa Ferrari reveals what you should do.

Melissa Ferrari helps couples overcome challenges in relationships. File picture

Discovering you’re about to bring a new life into the world can be thrilling, but if your partner isn’t fully on-board, navigating parenthood can become challenging. Expert Melissa Ferrari reveals what you should do.

Scroll down to send in your questions.

HOW DO I TELL HIM?

Dear Melissa

I found out I’m pregnant, and I seriously don’t know what to do. My boyfriend and I have always said we weren’t ready for kids, we’re focused on our careers and everything. But now this has totally thrown me for a loop, and I’m freaking out. I have no idea how he’s going to react or what this means for our plans. I’m really torn on whether I should tell him right away or just take some time to figure it out myself first.

Melissa’s response

Having a child is one of the most wonderful life-changing moments you will ever experience, from the moment you see your child for the first time many of the concerns you are feeling will fade away – that is the same for the both of you.

Yes, when a pregnancy is unexpected, that can be scary as you look to chart the future, but it is something you and your partner can work through – so take a deep breath and allow the world around you to slow down.

As we evolve our relationships, we will find that they will become pressure-tested by events around us, this is where you discover whether or not you are with someone who will always have your back – no matter what.

An unexpected pregnancy is a major test of a relationship, but the only way you will discover the strength of the bond that you have been building together, is by telling him that you are pregnant.

You did not get pregnant on your own. You are in this together.

This is not ‘your issue’ to deal with – it took the two of you to create the miracle that is growing inside you.

How the future for the three of you looks is a joint decision and it is no longer a conversation about whether you are ready for a child, as its now a conversation about how together you are going to raise a child.

Don’t wait another moment, put trust in your partner to do the right thing, to be there to support you and to be there to work together with you to plan the future.

Your partner (as he did in creating a child) has an equal role to play in what that future you create together looks like.

You do not need to go through this alone – along with your partner speak to family and close friends, who will want to support you – and if you are struggling to cope with the change that is coming to your life, then get some professional counselling to help you through.

Parenthood is challenging, but it is also the most rewarding thing you will ever do – stay calm, wrap yourself in the support you need and remember, it will all work out.

Communication is the key in every relationship.

WHY DID HE LIE?

Dear Melissa

My boyfriend has a kid from a past relationship that he NEVER mentioned. I was cleaning out a spare room and came across an old letter. I put everything together and … it honestly felt like a scene out of the movies. How could he keep something like that from me?! I feel totally betrayed and disrespected. Why didn’t he tell me?

Melissa’s response

Firstly, I want to acknowledge that the emotions that you are feeling are understandable. To have entered into a committed relationship without all the information you should have had is a huge betrayal of trust.

The secret that your boyfriend has kept from you is a significant one and one that could have an influence on the rest of your life together.

I cannot tell you why your boyfriend had not told you about a child from a previous relationship, that is something that you are going to have to discuss directly with him.

What I can say is that you have every right to ask why he kept this secret.

Openness and transparency are critical to a strong and healthy relationship, when one partner has kept something of significance from another, whatever the reason, it will test that relationship to its limits.

You need to take a direct approach here and let your boyfriend know what you have discovered and ask him why he has not told you about the child.

Keep in mind that there may be something he does not want you to know from his past that relates to the child or the child’s mother, so if he is evasive or not willing to open up, then seek help from a counsellor who can help create an environment where he is more comfortable to speak openly.

This does not have to be the end of your relationship, but you need to get to the bottom of why he has kept this from you, from there you will be able to make a decision, with all the information you need to determine what the future may look like.

If you do continue the relationship, then you will need to work on agreements around openness and transparency, so you feel comfortable that there will be no further secret keeping.

Secrets and relationships are not a good match.

Melissa Ferrari. Picture: Kirsten Flavell

Melissa is one of Australia’s most sought-after relationship therapists with over 25 years’ experience in couples counselling and individual psychotherapy. Specialising in the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT), Melissa provides intensive sessions with practical, personalised feedback, through which she helps individuals and couples to make savvy relationship choices.

Originally published as Dear Melissa: Ask your burning relationship questions