We need to talk about elephant donger-gate

IT SEEMS not everyone is happy about the female I’m A Celeb contestants ogling Kris Smith’s physique. Australia, we need to talk about this.

COMMENT

AUSTRALIA, it’s time to talk turkey, sorry dirty, sorry donkey.

As if there weren’t already enough signs of the coming apocalypse, people are now calling for gratuitous ogling and sexual innuendo to be removed from reality television. God knows what they think will be left.

The offending incident was a few contestants on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here admiring the physique of male model Kris Smith and introducing the immortal phrase “He might have an elephant donger!” into lounge rooms across the country.

The complaint was that this comment was only allowed because it was made by a female contestant. And yes, granted, if Steve Price had complimented Kris Smith’s donger it certainly would have raised a few eyebrows.

But the major gripe is that men leering at women is deemed creepy while women leering at men is just fun and games. (The minor gripe, I suspect, is that none of us look like Kris Smith.)

Certainly they have a point. Anyone who doesn’t think there’s a double standard between male and female behaviour has obviously never been married. But, as anyone who’s been married also knows, some things just aren’t worth the fight.

The simple rule is that chicks are allowed to perv on blokes but blokes aren’t allowed to perv on chicks. That’s why God invented tinted windows.

So for all those blokes whingeing about it, can I say: Please, just harden up. And I realise what a dangerous expression that is in this context.

The truth is the Aussie sausage has had a proud place in the nation’s media ever since Jack Thompson’s johnson first escaped the staples in the original Cleo centrefold.

We’ve had to censor the essentials here but let us assure you, his cup runneth over.

And if history has taught us anything it’s that there is no more natural home for knobs than on reality TV.

For proof, one need look no further than Big Brother’s “Hotdogs”, who became a media phenomenon in 2005 simply by pulling his weiner out on national television. The network liked it so much they gave him his own show.

But of course we all walk in the footsteps of giants, and Hotdogs would never have learnt his craft had it not been for the pioneering work of Warwick Capper, whose contribution to Celebrity Big Brother in 2002 is seared into the national memory.

It was this raw natural talent that secured him that prized Up-Late Game Show hosting gig.

Somebody buy this man a belt.

As former Home and Away actress Kimberley Cooper noted with alarm: “He just dropped his pants and flashed Sara Marie and I his penis.”

Men’s rights activists will no doubt note with frustration that many progressive young women today urge their sisters to “free the nipple” yet when poor Warwick tried to liberate his own appendage it was met with considerably less celebration from the feminist community.

But as with most things, it is the original that is the best and who could forget the first ever series of Big Brother in 2001 and the introduction of “Donkey Boy” into Australian hearts and minds.

Ironically, “Donkey Boy” was in fact a quite lovely and thoughtful architect called Gordon Sloan who did a lot of good things with his life, including acting as a human shield in Baghdad during the 2003 Iraq war before tragically dying in Beijing 10 years ago.

RIP Gordon.

And yet it is still the generosity of his other manhood for which most Australians will remember him, which perhaps tells you everything you need to know about modern society.

But who cares if we’re shallow or hypocritical. We’re all dirty pervs in the end. Sure, we blokes may have to hide our furtive glances at the army of cleavages we confront every day but let’s face it, we always find a way. If you really want to land a man on the moon all you have to do is tell him there’s a pair of naked breasts on it.

And if picnicking ladies want to titter about a gentleman’s packed lunch, then what is the harm? It sure beats talking about feelings.

So let’s lighten up Australia. There’s no need for the schlong goodbye.

After all, as my wife’s always telling me, why make such a fuss over such a little thing?

Originally published as We need to talk about elephant donger-gate