James Weir recaps the absolute destruction of Million Dollar Island’s premiere

A brand new reality show has raised eyebrows with scenes of “absolute destruction” in its premiere episode. James Weir recaps the drama.

Million Dollar Island premieres with scenes of destruction.

The premiere of Australia’s newest reality show is marred by the kind of violence and theft usually only seen on nightly TV news reports about mums at an Aldi Special Buys sale.

Welcome to Million Dollar Island, a destination where Catriona Rowntree will never be spruiking a five-night all-inclusive twin-share package. Here, on Channel 7’s attempt at Survivor, 100 nobodies are shipped off to Malaysia and dumped in the middle of the ocean. They’re then forced to use their American Tourister suitcases as makeshift life rafts as they paddle to shore. A fight to the death ensues.

What’s up for grabs? One million dollars. The cost? All dignity.

“It’s the ultimate game of human behaviour – where the walls of society no longer exist,” grunts the show’s host, Ant Middleton.

These non-existent social standards are exemplified just minutes later, in the first challenge. Down one end of the beach rest some wooden crates containing food and equipment. But there’s not enough for all 100 contestants. Cue the rampage in five, four, three, two …

“It’s every person for themselves – women and children, outta the way!” yells one guy.

We cut to a wide shot of the island and watch the contestants swarm down the coast. Their blood curdling screams are heard by trout fisherman far out at sea. Nobody should ever be forced to run across sand in wet clothes while fighting over food scraps. Tempers — and crotch chafe — flare.

So much squelching.

Moments later, contestants are ripping apart the wooden crates and pulling out whatever supplies they can get their hands on.

“We’re not rats!” one man cries, begging his fellow contestants to show some respect.

He’s promptly trampled and left in a cloud of sand.

It's worse than the toilet paper aisle brawls during Covid.

Someone’s gonna cop a splinter to the face.

The squabbling and bickering builds and soon our 100 strangers are having fiery arguments with each other. Some even commit petty crimes.

“People were stealing things off people – it was absolute destruction,” one contestant recalls.

“I saw the ugly side of human nature,” another tearfully adds, like he survived war.

When the supplies dry up, some contestants start ripping apart the crates and wielding the jagged planks of timber.

“I need a machete!” someone yells.

That shovel’s definitely being used to dig a toilet.

A million dollars is not worth this.

The madness reaches fever pitch when a bearded man in his fifties starts growling at people while maniacally chomping into a raw bulb of garlic.

His terrified co-stars leap back. It’s the ultimate weapon on a desert island with limited facilities: garlic breath.

Million Dollar Island continues Tuesday at 7.30pm on Seven.

Stand back or I WILL breathe on you!

Originally published as James Weir recaps the absolute destruction of Million Dollar Island’s premiere